"You should just smile and blow me!"

Back in February I wrote about an Olympic snowboarder and his fascination with unicorns shitting rainbows, or something. Well a couple of dumbasses took offense, albeit illiterally, because they didn't have a sense of humor. I proceeded to write a post to address those douchebags and school them on the nuances of sarcasm, hypocrisy and irony; as well as definitions of words in the English language. Fucking "half" instead of "have." Ugh. Anyway, how about instead of stroking out while reading this (if you happen to be the hyper-sensitive type) you remember that, as I said, "if not for hyperbole, snap judgements and sarcasm, Hypocritical Irony would not exist." Or you can just click off the page. But to quote the great Col. Jessup from A Few Good Men, "Either way, I don't give a damn."

So have you heard the one about Mel Gibson? No, not the Holocaust denials. No, not the sugar tits remark at a DUI stop. Nope, not the assertion that jews cause all the wars in the world either. I'm talking about the good stuff. The “I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first” stuff. Yeeeeahhh. THAT stuff.

Now how about we just go ahead and break down all the stuff that Riggs allegedly said. (And for the record. Everything going forward has "allegedly" implied because I am far too lazy to repeatedly type that out. Moving on...)

“You’re an embarrassment to me.” “You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n----ers, it will be your fault.”

Have you ever had to go out with a woman who looked like trash and or shit? That wasn't rhetorical by the way. I seriously don't know what that's like. Only the classy ladies for me! But I'd have to imagine that it would be embarassing to be seen with a woman who looks like bacon looking for love. And really I think he's just making his point that he's concerned for her and cares about her safety in regards to the gang rape. And the N-bomb. Well, um, maybe he meant it in the "a person of any race or origin regarded as contemptible, inferior, ignorant" kind of way. I'm thinking the only thing worse than getting gang raped would be getting gang raped by people you feel superior to or who are stupid.

“How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice.” “I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.”

Maybe she really likes giving blow jobs. Some chicks really enjoy it. At least they do as far as I can tell from about a million different sites on the internet. So in that respect, if he was nice enough to offer his junk for her to tongue bathe and she was being a bitch about it I see no problem in him becoming frustrated and threatening arson. And STILL let her blow him. That William Wallace. What a guy.

“You know what? You f**cking deserved it.”

He probably just gave her a nice gift. Like roses or something. Speaking of roses...

“I’ll put you in a f uckin rose garden you cunt! You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?”

Obviously he knows how much she loves roses and therefore wants to simply surround his girlfriend and baby-mamma with the roses that she loves. And of course he's capable of that. He's got like a billion dollars. As for the name calling. In some cultures that's actually a term of endearment.* Like in Australia.* Which just so happens to be where The Road Warrior is from.
*That is 100% false. It's those commies in China who use it as a term of endearment.

“I should’ve woken you up and said fucking blow me bitch! I should’ve fuckin’ woken you up and said blow me! You would’ve liked that better, yeah? But you need the goddamn sleep!”

Allowing someone to sleep is a very noble thing. I HATE to be woken up. I could sleep for a month straight and if someone accidentally woke me up I would still be pissed the fuck off. He was feeling all mouth-rapey but decided to take the high road and let the woman sleep.

“So don’t call me mean when I’m nice to you. Because I’d like to show you what mean really is. Bitch, cunt, whore, gold digger! All true! You fucking proved it to me! If you’re ever interested in proving otherwise, let me know. If you don’t care, I know you know what you are too.”

Hmmm, this is harder than I thought.

“Look at yourself. And look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve fucking done! Look at your son. He’s a fucking mess. You fucking excuse for a mother. You’re a fucking bitch!”

Yeah, I think it's time for old Uncle Martyin to check out. Just don't tell Mel I was making light of this. Please! I'm scared! Hellllp!!!!