Hey Coed Magazine, how about you stop pretending you're something you're not

Year end lists are a useless exercise to be sure. So are the chic decade end lists that are so popular this time around. No two people have the same tastes. I don't care what someone else's favorite movies were for the year. And do you know why? Because it is useless for me to know what someone else enjoyed. When I was younger I would get shit from my parents when I wanted to go see Adam Sandler movies, and they would tell me about how the movie got terrible reviews. My response was always the same: "Well how many of the reviews were written by 12 year old boys?" So until someone pays me to make a list, or pays another 27 year old dude who likes vampire movies, toilet humor and gratuitous nudity to make a list you can take yours and kiss my ass.

The only thing worse than people trying to summarize an entire year, let a lone decade's worth, of whatever arbitrary topic they choose is when they have to get pretentious about it. I loath pretentious people. When I rule the world if you start acting like a stuck up prick it will be perfectly legal for someone to give you a good hard nut shot. I know that I am loud and obnoxious. I also think I'm right about everything. (Which is basically because I am, you see.) But I do not look down my nose at people who have different opinions than me. I might think they are retarded but I'm not going to be pretentious about it. The easiest way for people who make lists to hop on the pretentious douchebag bandwagon is to add some kind of retarded choice into their collection to show everyone just how not shallow/introspective/sensitive they are. Take People Magazine for example.

Every year they come out with their list of the most beautiful people. And every god damn year I look at that list and scratch my head. Rumer fucking Willis? Seriously? That bitch looks like one of those "If They Mated" mash ups on Conan. Michelle Obama? Look, I know she's the First Lady but go ahead and tell me with a straight face that she couldn't fit her fist in that yapper of hers. She is not an attractive woman. Beautiful People lists are supposed to be shallow and superficial. They are supposed to be made up of people that are nice too look at. And I understand the idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but based on pure aesthetics, a most beautiful people list should be one of the most easily agreed upon lists out there. Go ahead and find a guy who wouldn't cut off his pinky for 10 minutes with Marissa Miller.



Anyway, when I'm being productive at the office by browsing the web and see "66 Women Who Wowed Us" I have certain expectations. Those expectations, while specific, are quite simple: 66 hot women who I would like to see naked, dressed in as little clothing as possible, preferably on a bed or beach. So I click the link and the first face I see is Zooey Deschanel. Meh. I can see the appeal for some people. I happen to prefer her sister, but OK we're still good. Second face: Lady fucking Gaga. Are you mother fucking kidding me? That fug bitch looks like she was beaten in the face with a brick. She looks like something that would turn up in one of Tim Burton's movies or something. Like some kind of image someone would see in a nightmare. But still, I guess there are guys out there who can see that she has a decent body and invest in a nice brown bag. Then we start to get into business with Penelope Cruz, Ms. Miller, Eva Mendes, Sofia Vergara and a bunch of chicks I've never heard of but now want to see naked. That is until....

BAM!!



Susan Boyle is in this gallery. Now you listen up Coed Magazine. You fuckers have a very specific purpose. You focus on things that I hold very near and dear to my heart: women, booze, sports, comedy and popular culture. You're good at your job and you cater to the "Frat Guy" set very well. Now don't go getting fucking pretentious on me you ass holes. Susan Boyle has no place on your website unless it is on a list titled "People Whose Disappearance Would Make The World A Prettier Place" sandwiched right between Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton. I understand that the list was titled "66 People Who Wowed Us" and not "Hot Chicks You Want To Nail" but come the fuck on dudes. It's about expectations and I could give a flying fuck how great Susan Boyle is at singing. She is hideous to look at and really that's all I care about. So how about you pull your shit together, make a follow up to your expose on hand bras, and stop trying to pretend to be sympathetic to some ugly old lady with a good singing voice.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Prepared for hypocrisy? Be prepared for hypocrisy

No, I did not forget that I went on a 500 word diatribe against Chris Brown yesterday for being a douchebag for how he treated his girlfriend. Yes, I know that I proceeded to go on about how I would never disrespect or harm a wife or girlfriend of mine. Or any woman for that matter. Respect for women is very important. That being said, let's talk about Erin Andrews and her statements (as reported by the NY Daily News via Deadspin) that she made in court when faced with her stalker that video taped her naked in her hotel rooms in three different states.

"I am a victim of this sexual predator. I would like to see him immediately put in prison for as long as possible," Andrews, 31, told the judge.

Yes, she was a victim. And damn right she should want to see him get sent away. The dude's a pervert and it was a gross invasion of privacy. The fact that he'll get high-fived by the prison guards and that he's a hero to ESPN fans everywhere is irrelevant.

"I walk in crowds and I see him in my peripheral vision. When I'm alone in my house, I have fears that he's going to walk inside and hurt me."

That is also perfectly understandable. A little paranoid? Probably. But can you imagine what it would be like? That paranoia would kick your ass if one day you woke up and there was video of you naked in your bedroom or hotel room. Of course if people had to see a video of me naked in my room I'd feel more apologetic than paranoid or embarrassed, but that's just me.

"I don't know him. I've never met him. I don't know why he chose me. But I hope he never sees the light of day again."

Aaaand here's where I have a problem. Really? You don't know why he chose you? Have you looked in the mirror? Have you seen the freakin' video? Allow me to refresh your memory.




OK, ladies, you can just put your pitch forks down right the fuck now. I am in no way implying that what this scum bag did was appropriate or that it was deserved in any way at all. I'm just saying that maybe for a minute we could step back and think about how utterly ridiculous that statement is. The only reason she's even on TV is because she's hot and knows sports. Trust me, I know plenty of people (male and female) who know a whole lot about sports that would not make it on TV. Who is she kidding? I don't even mind that she wants him to go to jail for the rest of his life. Like I said yesterday, I'm all about ridiculous punishments for doing shady/douchebag things because, hey, I'm never going to drill a peep hole in someone's hotel room and video tape them naked. But to pretend that there is any reason other than the fact that she's gorgeous and famous behind why this guy "chose" her is patently ridiculous. I just wish we could be realistic about this. I remember when a reporter asked Melania Knauss (Trump's wife) if you couldn't make an argument that she wouldn't be dating him if he wasn't rich, her reply was along the lines of "Would he be with me if I wasn't beautiful?" Arrogant? Sure. Conceited? You betcha. Honest? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I'm not here to say that it's OK to objectify women. They are people too. Except for reality show stars. I still think Tila Tequila is an alien from outer fucking space. And don't get me started on that midget Snooki from "Jersey Shore." I'm not here to say that it's OK to video tape them naked in a hotel room. Unless, you know, that's what they're into. What I'm here to say is, if you are a woman and you are going to make a living off of your good looks then don't get up on your soap box and bitch and moan like you are shocked that men would objectify you. If you can't handle that then go home, grab some donuts en route and have at 'em. Trust me, in 50 or 60 pounds no one will be video taping you naked. Fatty.

Chris Brown is a bigger douche than I thought

I know. I was surprised too. This morning sucked. I woke up and flipped on the news to see Joe Biden running his mouth about Afghanistan and Pakistan and how it was a good idea to bail out company's who were run by incapable, greedy, fucktards. I looked out the window and it was raining. Then I look at the scroll at the bottom of the screen and see that Chris Brown is angry that his new album is being boycotted. Chris Brown, you'll remember is the guy who made Rhianna go from looking like this:

To looking like this:

In his Twitter feed he had this to say:

“I’m tired of this shit. Major stores are blackballing my cd. Not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. What the fuck do i gotta do…”

This is what you "gotta do" douchebag. DON'T FUCKING BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! I swear to god dude, it's really easy to do. And holy crap. You have to have a brass set to actually get indignant about people taking issue with the fact that you beat a woman.

By many accounts I am not a nice person. I have a surly disposition, I whine a lot and I really really love being sarcastic. There is also only a very short list of things that I will never, ever, do in my life. They are as follows: cheat on my wife, beat a woman, dudes, kids and acid. Definitely won't ever do acid. You can't have the misanthropic world view that I have and expect to have a nice chemically induced mental vacation. But yeah, that's basically it. Put enough drinks in me and you could probably convince me to do just about anything else if the argument is compelling enough.

I have zero respect for any man who would hit a woman because it's not a fair fight. (Go ahead, make an argument that that means it's wrong for one guy to beat the shit out of a smaller guy if the smaller guy is being a douchebag. Go ahead, I dare you, jackass.) And to have the balls to turn around and not understand why people might not want to give your their money because you did just that is profoundly retarded. And even if you don't get why people would take issue with you stomping on your girlfriend, how retarded do you have to be to question them. You're at least AWARE that people don't like it. But to rub their face in it? Guh.

It's people like Chris Brown that make me wish we could get creative with our justice system and the way punishments are meted out. Eye for an eye, baby! You beat your wife, she gets to club you with a baseball bat. You touch a kid, BANG!, gen-pop in a state correctional facility, scumbag. You kill someone, you get killed back. It takes a special kind of loser to do those things and you should pay the punishment. Oh, your latest album didn't debut as high as you would have liked it to Chris? How about you shut your mouth and be glad you aren't getting your ass stomped in prison. Ass hole.

Yes, I know. It's winter so the rain could be snow. Jackass.

Well it's officially that time of year folks. No, not Christmas. I'm talking about the time of year when every time it rains some jerk off has to say "Well you know, if it was 10 degrees colder we'd have like 6 ft of snow." And my personal favorite, "You know for every inch of rain we get it would be 10 inches of snow." Every god damn time it rains in the winter you have to deal with these fucktards.

Listen up Masters of the Obvious. We know. If it was colder there could be snow. But if it was colder maybe this particular pocket of precipitation wouldn't be hovering above us right now. It's just such a retarded observation. Do you really need to share this little tid bit with us? It's rates along with "Is is hot enough for you?" on the scale of idiotic things that living breathing pains in the ass like to say just to try and start a conversation or hear themselves speak. Neither reason, by the way, is a good reason to communicate with someone else. I do not deny the fact that I will turn my damn ears off when I hear someone start saying retarded things. And frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If I started rambling on and on about obvious points that don't need to be vocalized I would fully expect someone to either ignore me or tell me to STFU.

Go ahead people. Share with someone today, as we deal with a terrible rain storm in the greater Philadelphia area, that "Durrr at least it's not snow. 'Cause you know every inch of rain is like 10" of snow." Of course if you're dumb enough to do that you've probably stopped reading this blog months ago because you were offended. Oh, and you also deserved to be punched in the balls.

People like this are what give conservatives a bad name

On Monday night, as a favor to my fiance and her brother-in-law, I agreed to go to the sister and brother-in-law's house so they could talk to me about their church. I knew going in that I was going there to be preached at so it's not like I was surprised when I walked in the door. Now, I'm not a religious person. I was raised in a Catholic family and went to church and CCD until I enrolled in a Catholic high school. I know all about The Bible and Jesus and blah, blah, blah. Today, though, you won't find me in a church unless someone is getting married or someone died. You might be able to make the argument, too, that that's because, well, I was raised in a Catholic family and went to church and CCD until I enrolled in a Catholic high school. For over 20 years I did the religion thing. But I never bought into it. It just wasn't for me and eventually I just stopped going because frankly I felt like a hypocrite. And I haaaaaate feeling like a hypocrite. But I digress. So we get to the brother-in-law's house and Ho. Lee. Shit.

They put on the full court press. They split up the fiance and me, took us to different rooms, and proceeded to go through their spiel about The Four Spiritual Laws. At multiple parts they would ask questions about whether or not I had accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. The answer, of course, was always no. These people were hard core. I was told that I wouldn't go to heaven and that they really wanted to see me there. They told me that as great as I thought America is (they are Korean,) heaven is a thousand times better. They were seriously disappointed, I think, when I didn't drop to my knees praising Jesus. In a way I felt bad for them. Their blind faith seemed unfortunate to me. But the one guy puts up siding for like fifteen hours a day to support his family. You know what? If I had to do that shit I'd want to hang every last hope I had on a prayer that there was something to look forward to when I die instead of just not having to work any more. But they were nice enough and the way they talked about JC made it apparent that it made them happy. And whatever, if it makes them happy who am I to begrudge them that.

I don't mind when people have different opinions than me. If they want to be wrong that's their prerogative. I might think that having certain points of view make you unrealistic, un/mis-informed or, say, mind numbingly retarded (I'm looking at you reality TV fans;) but that does not mean that I think that they are not entitled to their opinion. That's why some of my least favorite people on this planet are the ones who try and jam their points of view down the throats of other people who don't share the same views. Now I'm not talking about the kind hearted people who wanted to share with me their love for Jesus, I'm talking about the blow hard douchebags who do not respect differing opinions and proceed to try and manipulate you into coming over to their side by shaping every single aspect of the world in such a way that you can't make a truly informed decision. People like these mouth breathers.

I identify as a conservative and Republican and I've said before that that does not automatically make me some kind of intolerant asshole. And you know why people often times automatically assume that I'm an intolerant asshole? It's because of people like those fucktards at Conservapedia.com. What. The. Fuck? Re-translate the Bible to filter out imaginary liberal propaganda? Those people should get shot in the face.

"Professors are the most liberal group of people in the world, and it's professors who are doing the popular modern translations of the Bible," said Andy Schlafly, founder of Conservapedia.com, the project's online home.

Really asshole? You think that there's a cabal of liberal professors out there secretly trying to subvert conservative society with the mother fucking Bible? Yeah, this is a good idea. Get a bunch of amateurs together who may or may not have any real experience with ancient languages or theology at all and set them loose on a book that has been translated thousands of different fucking ways anyway. I hate you Andy Schlafly. I hate you because it's people like you who fuel the fire of liberals who want to put ME under the same tent as a fucking lunatic with a stick up his ass like you.

Now if only there was a paragraph in this story that might, say, give an example of how big of a dumbass this guy is while also giving us an idea of how he turned out this way. Oh, wait. Here we go:

"The best of the public is better than a group of experts," said Schlafly, whose mother, Phyllis, is a longtime conservative activist known for her opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment.

Actually, no, you idiot. It's not. That's why they are "experts." You ever get sick? Did you go to fucking Yahoo Answers to find out what was wrong with you and how to proceed or did you instead go see a doctor? A, you know, expert. On the surface it sounds like he's making some kind of profound proclamation, like: "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king." But no. Instead he's displaying his ignorance of reason and rational thought for all the world to see.

And his mom was a conservative activist? There is nothing more annoying and usually blind to anything but their own ridiculous philosophies than an activist. They are vile human beings. They are the type that picket. They throw red pain on people wearing fur. They make outrageous claims in support of their cause regardless of their veracity. I can't stand them. And what's that? Oh, she opposed the Equal Rights Amendment. Splendid. So she was intolerant AND she had what was probably an embarrassingly inappropriate and uninformed idea of what conservatism is? Well there you go. 1 + 2 = Andy Schlafly. And you get bonus douchebag points for being from Jersey, fucker.

CBS gets a bum rap

CBS gets a bum rap just because it likes to churn out cookie-cutter crime procedurals like a fame hungry couple with no morals churns out kids in the hopes of landing a reality show. The network's programming also gets a bad rap because it likes to create spin-offs of said procedurals ad nauseum. Seriously, NCIS:Los Angeles is a spin-off of NCIS which is a spin-off of JAG. They actually have a spin-off of a spin-off. Their comedy programming gets slammed too. I suppose that's because it's pretty generic and basically un-offensive.

Well you know what? I like CBS. I like NCIS and Numb3rs and the CSIs. I like Rules of Engagement, How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. And I'm not going to apologize for it. Oh, your pretentious tastes in television don't like that? Too fucking bad. Believe me, I like my edgy FX programming and the prime time comedy on NBC is some of the smartest that the small screen has seen in years, but sometimes when it's 10 o'clock on a weekday night and I've had a shitty day, I just like to turn my brain off and laugh at some predictable sitcom joke. Oh, Charlie Sheen, your thinly veiled reference to penises and sex never get old. And really, if you can't figure out who the bad guy is in those procedurals 8/10 times, you're functionally retarded.

That's why when I saw this video on YouTube it really made my day. CBS spliced dialogue from How I Met Your Mother with video from Frosty the Snowman. Have you ever heard Frosty the Snowman brag about his porn collection? How about listing all of the women he's nailed? No? Well in that case then, you're welcome.

And Bowden quits first!

The man to the left is going to go down as the winningest coach in Division 1-A college football.









Bob Costas sucks. He has always struck me as the scrawny little kid who could never actually participate in sports so he put his full attention into learning the sport and the stats to go along with it only to become a smug ass hat who thinks he is more important than he actually is. I had a conversation a few years ago at a graduation party with an executive at NBC Sports and he was sharing with me what a whiny little bitch Costas is and how he would have to constantly field phone calls from him essentially telling on people who were mean to him.

The only time I have ever respected Costas was when he interviewed Joe Paterno two years ago and asked him, point blank, if his own mortality played a role in his decision to keep coaching into his 80s. Paterno basically responded that it did not but did have a wonderfully sarcastic tone to it that made me hear in my head, "Of course not you retard. Next question." I thought that it was incredibly ballsy for Costas to ask that question. Obviously there is not a Penn State fan around who has not thought the same thing and discussed it over beers at a Happy Valley bar. You always hear those stories about men who live their lives for their work and once they retire they just die. It was a valid question and Costas asked it.

That being said, I'll place the over/under on how long it takes that crazy old bastard Bobby Bowden to kick the bucket once he announces his retirement this afternoon at 3 months. That's one month for every win that he currently trails JoePa as the winningest coach in Division 1-A football suckas!