An open letter to Christmas

Dear Christmas,

I think you're great. Your season is a great time of the year. People are happy. There are parties to go to. Families get together to share each other's company and give each other gifts. It really is a wonderful time of the year. With that being said, I have one request. Back. The. Fuck. Off.

It is the god damn fucking beginning of November and I've seen commercials for you for the last week. Do you know what was a week ago? Hallo-fucking-ween. There used to be a nice little holiday hierarchy that people followed. Once Halloween was over then the Thanksgiving commercials and decorations came out. Then after Thanksgiving it was your turn to shine. Now look at you! Just stomping all over October, November AND December. Exactly who do you think you are?

Just because I like you doesn't mean I want to be reminded of you coming for the 8 weeks leading up to you. It's overkill and I don't fucking like it. Take a break and relax. Trust me, people will still celebrate you. People will still buy tons and tons of worthless shit. I swear to god they will. But we do not have to be reminded that you are right around the corner. It's bad enough when some salesperson throws the "You know, there's only XX shopping days 'til Christmas!!" line at me. Whenever I hear one of those lines I feel like drop kicking the douchebag who said it.

I don't need to open up the newspaper in the beginning of November and have all of your sales screaming at me. After walking into CVS the other day I encountered an entire aisle of your shit. A entire fucking aisle!! It's still November and I've also heard your carols on the radio. What the fuck?

Like I said before, I think you're great. I really do. But please for the love of god stay the fuck out of October. As soon as the turkey is done digesting you can have your time and I promise not to complain. For the time being though, chill the fuck out.

Yours,

H.I.

Most exciting game of the season tonight

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Reason #29198465 why I miss college

Girls dress like sluts on Halloween. For one night every year in October parties everywhere are packed full of drunk girls who have whore'd up some cliche Halloween costume, and for that I applaud them. Sure they'll try and tell you that they are not in fact a "slutty" school girl/angel/cat but instead a "sexy" school girl/angel/cat. Whatever, sweetheart. If it helps you feel better when your daddy calls tomorrow morning as you shush the guy whose name you can't remember next to you in bed as you realize you never even took off the skirt you had on, it's fine by me. You can call it whatever the hell you want. But let's not delude ourselves into thinking that that skirt with your ass hanging out of it, bare stomach, and cleavage revealing shirt is anything that it's not. Because frankly, it's not sexy. It's slutty. And I love it.

Slutty Girls in Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Tribute -- powered by Cracked.com

Yes, I know. A woman tried to whore herself out for World Series tickets

Thank you to every single Yankee fan I've ever met in my life for passing along the story of, in what I'm sure is an isolated incident that has never happened before in the history of ever, some jackass Philadelphian who tried to offer a cop sex in exchange for World Series tickets. On Craigslist.com. Awesome.

So her name is Susan Finkelstein and her post, to be clear, was pretty vague:

"DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia) Diehard Phillies fan--gorgeous tall buxom blonde-- in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable--- I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"

So no, she didn't actually offer to blow someone outright for a chance to go to the game. I suppose it was implied with her assertion of certain physical attributes, but come on. It's also worthy of note that for someone who is "the creative type" that post had absolutely zero creativity to it and if she had been as creative as she thinks she is, she probably wouldn't have ended up in jail.

I'm OK with some middle aged woman trying to go to a baseball game. And to be perfectly honest with you, I don't even really care that she committed this particular crime. Prostitution is really one of those victimless crimes; like gambling and assaulting Mets fans. What I have a problem with is that she was such an idiot that she went onto Craigslist in order to attain this particular goal. Stupid people have no place in what would be considered polite company. I also take offense to her claims of being a gorgeous blonde, which she is not. If I was going to trade a Phillies Yankees World Series ticket for a hummer or a quick lay you better believe it's not going to be from some 43 year-old, married retard.

Now, as I've never solicited sex from a woman, actually, let me clarify. As I've never solicited sex from a woman in exchange for money, I don't know the exact etiquette required for such a transaction. So the Philadelphia PD has so much time on their hands that they saw a vaguely worded ad on Craigslist and proceeded to contact the woman and get her to proposition them. That's some stupid shit on two different levels. One, she didn't realize she was talking to a cop? Because as anyone who has ever watched a crime procedural on TV knows, cops have to identify themselves as cops and they can't let you incriminate yourself. THAT is entrapment! Wait, what? OOOOH. So I guess it's a little less cut and dry than those fancy Law & Order defense attorneys would have me believe. But hey, guess what Finkelstein? Bad things happen to stupid people. And second you're a fucking idiot for using Craiglist to get the tickets using sex anyway. I'm pretty sure the only thing people use CL for anyway is to solicit sex and sell stolen property.

People get caught committing crimes because they are either stupid or greedy. The only smart people you see getting picked up are the ones who are so greedy that it makes them make stupid mistakes. So let this be a lesson to you: if you are (at least in your own opinion) a "creative, gorgeous, buxom blonde" and you want to get tickets to a World Series baseball game and the first idea you have is to whore yourself out to a cop on Craigslist, here's what you do. I'll wait while you grab a piece of paper. Step one: go into the garage. Step two: turn on the car. Step three: take a fucking nap.

Hey look everyone, it's an ass hole making life difficult for other people!!

I know what you're thinking. Cool shirt, right? WRONG mother fucker!!! That is a blue and white piece of Christian propaganda right there. Just take a second and look at it. See? It's actually a cross. It has nothing to do with promoting Penn State football. It has nothing to do with school spirit. It certainly has nothing to do with Penn State's newest tradition of "whiting out" Beaver Stadium during football games. No, it's the university's attempt to indoctrinate its students with religious values, pure and simple. At least that's what the Philadelphia chapter of the Anti Defamation League and student Michal Berns, among others, would like you to believe.

Holy fuck is that retarded. Would you like to know why people take issue with groups like the Anti Defamation League, ACLU, NOW and NAMBLA? It's because of complaints about stupid shit like this. Well, except NAMBLA. I think people mostly take issue with them because of the whole gay pedophilia thing. But when people go overboard looking for reasons to bitch and moan about something it creates a boy who cried wolf type scenario when something actually worth bitching about comes up. Instead you get a, "Oh Christ. Are those people complaining about something again?" type of attitude.

Michal Berns, you madam, are a douchebag:

Michal Berns, a junior majoring in media law and policy, said she refused to buy the $15 shirt because of its religious connotations.
"At first glance, you don't necessarily think that's what it looks like, but when you look at it more, it does look like a cross," Berns told Foxnews.com. "That's the reason I didn't purchase it."

Are you for fucking real? YOU JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ANYTHING WRONG AT FIRST!!! Whiny little bitches like her are the reason people like me have to write blogs. Chances are, if you have to contemplate whether something offends you or not then it's probably really not all that offensive and you are just being a hyper-sensitive jerk off.

I do not lack empathy. Really, I don't. I get irritated over all kinds of stupid things and can understand that other people are likely to get pissed about equally asinine things. It's pretty hard to offend me and as a white male I think it's actually against the rules for me to be offended by anything. My problem comes when people go out of their way to find something to get angry about. I don't LIKE going into psychotic rages about ridiculous things like t-shirts and bumper stickers, so I don't seek out things to make me mad. People like the ADL and Berns just make life difficult for the rest of us with their inane bitching and moaning about a non-issue and really need to focus their energies elsewhere. Somewhere like the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

Hypocritical Douchebags

Whoa, stop the presses!! The president is not losing sleep over the fact that his administration is trying to marginalize a news outlet simply because is dares to dissent! That smug prick. I am not a huge fan of Fox News. As a matter of fact I think their opinion programming is just as bad as any other on cable news and I think that they have become a caricature of themself as an outlet for conservatively bent news.

As far as I can tell there are only two places to find meaningful and intelligent discourse when it comes to politics: Morning Joe and The New Hour with Jim Lehrer. The former because there is an even representation of viewpoints when topics are discussed, and the latter because they just report the fucking news and let me know what happened in the world that day. Plus it's kind of soothing and calm to come home to at the end of the day while Morning Joe gets me ready in the morning because Mika Brzezinski is smoking hot in that bitchy uptight kind of way (like Ann Coulter without the penis) and there is often lots of yelling and making fun. But I digress

Cable news networks like to pretend that they are not bent one way or the other in their representation of the news. Well that's retarded. It's all skewed. Can we just be grown-ups here and admit it? Frankly I don't mind either. Mostly because I'm not a fucking mouth breather who can't syphon out the bull shit and draw my own conclusions. I take a tremendous amount of pride in not being an idiot and that's why when the White House does things like try and discredit a news organization just because it happens to subscribe to a different ideological agenda I feel like punching a puppy. How fucking hypocritical can you be? The team at CNN I'm pretty sure jerks off to images of Obama and holy shit does Chris Matthews have a hard on for the guy.

This is a glaring example of the Obama Administration's above the law approach to policy making and agenda setting. There have been members of the administration who have gone onto news programming and essentially told everyone to ignore Fox. They make claims that they are not a news organization and should be treated as such. Their examples? Well Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity of course. Guh. That would be like me saying that MSNBC should be ignored and now allowed access to the president and his staff because Keith Olbermann gets to spout his ridiculous liberal agenda for an hour every night. Everyone knows that Beck and Hannity are douchebags. Actually, strike that. Smart people know that Beck and Hannity and Olbermann are ideological douchebags.

In the United State of America we have a thing called the the Bill of Rights. (Cue: Battle Hymn of the Republic) The Bill of Rights introduces the first amendment to the Constitution and provides us with freedom of the press, speech, religion and assembly. There is not a provision for "as long as the president and his cronies agree with you." A United States President's administration's attempts to slander a news organization and marginalize them based on ideological disagreements is an appallingly brash and inappropriate thing to do. It scares me a little bit that the Obama Administration thinks that it is OK to take this public course of action against Fox News. If they feel they can flaunt their disregard for the rights afforded us over 200 years ago, and that people will be OK with it (which by and large they are), then where does the line get drawn before people stand up to them?

And liberty and justice for all. (Except Democrats)

Bring. On. New York.