I know it's been a long time since I've written but between vacation and being a productive member of society I just didn't have the time. And I didn't feel like. Actually, it was mostly the latter. But without further ado, who's ready for some chauvinism!?!? I know I sure am.
One of my guilty pleasures is reading celebrity gossip. Not the US Weekly type of celebrity gossip mind you. More the mean spirited and sarcastic type that you would find at What Would Tyler Durden Do? or The Superficial. My homepage is also MSN.com. Why? Because I'm far too lazy to change it, that's why. But I will often click on some of the bull shit pieces that they have at the top of the page that are clearly geared towards women who are sitting at home, single, eating Bon Bons in their bathrobe. Aren't stereotypes fun? They sure are! But today I came across this gem: 10 Beauty Moves Guys Find Sexy.
I am not ashamed to admit that I will always and without fail click on shit like that. It's really hysterical. 20 Things To Drive Him Crazy In Bed. 15 Secrets He's Just Not Telling You. 101 Reasons Why It's OK To Let Yourself Go. Another Lame Attempt To Boost Your Non-existant Self Esteem. Allow me to offer a male perspective on those: Hummers. Your friends are annoying. It's not. And, Didn't I just tell you your ass doesn't look fat? But I digress.
This particular article focused on: "We asked, they spilled. Real guys dish about what they find sexiest in their mates. We bet some of their turn-ons surprise you!" Oh yeah? Well I just can't wait to see what kind of shocking and or inane and retarded bull shit these "real guys" "spilled."
1: When you bare it all.
Ok. The "turn-on" is that guys don't like it when their girlfriends or wives look like they spraypainted their face before they go out. That's not shocking or even remotely surprising. Not at all. One of the guys noted that he loves the way his girlfriend looks when she first wakes up. That is not so much an affirmation of how great she looks. My fiancee looks great when she wakes up too. But I really think it's more of a fascination that a human being can look good when they wake up. Are you a man? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror in the morning. We look like someone beat us with a tennis racket while we hung upside down all night. We are horrific to look at. They manage to not look like monsters so we are enthralled.
2: Your belly.
This is true. At least for me. I don't find stick thin women attractive. It doesnt look healthy and if I can't have sex with you without your hip bones puncturing me you can pound sand. But guess what else I don't find attractive. Chicks with giant guts who obviously have no regard for how they look. So how about this MSN Lifestyle? How about you not try and fill your readers heads with some bullshit that their man wants them to pack on the LBs. We don't. We just want you to enjoy a steak with us like a normal human being and not nibble on a carrot like an anorexic rabbit.
3: When you do that thing you do.
Sometimes little habits can be endearing. I will grant you that. But guess what? Sometimes shit is just annoying. Someone needs to give the guys in this section some balls to strap on. Once again we see the article trying to affirm to women that, "Hey, you can be an annoying cunt all you want! He'll think it's cute." No he won't. Not all the time. And he will leave you so you can annoy the fuck out of someone else.
4: When you toss the hair dryer.
This is a total opinion and deserves no place in this list. Some women look good with straight hair. Some look good with curly hair. And some look good with either. Don't try and feed me some bull shit that if your girl has a frizzy disaster on top of her head that she should just leave it that way. Christ. You comb your hair before you go out right? I fucking hope so. So how about you let her just do what looks good on her. Jackass.
5: Your eyelashes.
Ahem: "I love her eyes," says Trevor, 46. "Sometimes she looks at me under her lashes and it makes me want to head straight to the bedroom!" Ok, Trevor. Eyes I get. Awesome eyes are in fact a major turn on. But eyelashes? I don't even know if my fiancee has fucking eyelashes. Maybe once your boyfriend takes his dick out of your ass you will also stop noticing eyelashes like the rest of the hetero men in society.
6: Your legs.
Agreed. But once again, this is not shocking or surprising. Any woman out there who didn't realize men don't appreciate a nice pair of legs probably hasn't seen hers in a decade because of all the cats that have wrapped themselves around them. The only thing shocking about men noticing a woman's legs would be if he "noticed" that she didn't fucking have any.
7: Your style.
This one was accompanied by this picture:
"Time to break out the feathers, bright nail polish, and all those other trends you love, because, fashionable or not, nothing makes you sexier than you being you."
The fuck it is sweetheart. If my fiancee tried to go outside looking like some hipster freakshow I would tell her to go back upstairs and change her shit. And you know what? I would expect her to do the same thing to me if I came downstairs looking like an idiot. Do you know why I expect that? Because it's happened. And I didn't take offense, I just changed my fucking shirt because I didn't want to look like a douche. Just because you have an "original" sense of style doesn't mean you should share it with the world. You looking like a moron is not sexy. It's embarassing.
8:Your scent.
OK. Lets break this one down.
"I don't know how she does it, but she always smells delicious," says Brent, 29, of his girlfriend, Cate. "Even when she just gets out of the shower!"
Yeah dumbass. Of course she smells good right out of the shower. If she got out of the shower and smelled like she rubbed shit all over her I'd really hope you'd hand her a wash cloth and tell her to get the fuck back in.
"I love inhaling her right here," says Damien, 35, pointing to the area of his girlfriend Veronica's neck right under her ear, where she says she applies Burberry's The Beat Eau perfume every morning. "She smells amazing, all sexy and soft."
That's not her scent. That's Burberry's scent.
"Tyler, 26, says his girlfriend "asked for a bottle of Stellanude by Stella McCarthy for her birthday, and now I now knows why. She smells incredible in it. It's seriously like an aphrodisiac for me, all I can think about is her wearing nothing except that perfume."
Admittedly there are two ways to look at this particular item. Scent and scent. The way she smells wearing a certain perfume is the first way. And yes, it can be appealing if you like what she's wearing. Most women have that signature perfume that they always wear and smell is one of the most powerful senses we have. To this day I can smell a particular perfume that will remind me of an old girlfriend. Then I get creeped out and hope the future wife doesn't find out. (I hope she doesn't read this.)
But there is also her scent. The way she smells when she wakes up. The way she smells while you're laying on the couch on Saturday afternoon with eachother. Which one's sexier? Fuck if I know. As long as it smells good. I'm down.
9: When you ask for what you want.
That's not being sexy. That's being a decent member of society. Women just don't seem to understand how fucking infuriating some coy response to a question is. I know men and women are wired differently, but come the fuck on. How hard is it to process in your head: I want X. When someone asks me what I want I will say X, please. Whether it's sex, food, a movie or even a gift. Just tell me! This is probably the most useful, albeit out of place, item on this entire list.
10: Your job.
I really can't argue with the mentality of this one. I leave for work after my fiancee does. She looks super hot getting ready and putting on her work clothes. It's also attractive to know that she has a job that she's good at because she's very intelligent and capable and not an idiot. (I hope she reads this.)
And there you have it, my insight into the least informative article in the history of everything ever. You're welcome.
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