Today is a shitty day and I’ve had to deal with some seriously retarded individuals with a handful of certifiable assholes thrown in so it was the wrong day for me to hear the latest radio ad for “The Kids Are Alright,” the latest movie from Julianne Moore and Annette Benning. The basic premise of the movie is: two lesbians who are in a relationship each have a kid via artificial insemination from the same dude; the kids grow up and want to meet their dad; the dad comes into their life and they all live happily ever after… or whatever. Now I’m not one for romantic comedies. And I’m especially not one for romantic comedies about lesbians who are as old and busted as Benning and Moore. Well here’s the thing: one of the reviews that the ad quoted said that the movie was “a near perfect representation of the modern family.”
What. The. Fuck.
Now, call me unreasonable but in what fucking world is this critic living in where the current modern family consists of two lesbos who cum-basted themselves with a stranger’s man-juice only to have said man become part of the family once the kids are grown. In the television show “Modern Family” I can buy “modern” as the mom, dad and kids with the grandfather marrying a hot young Columbian chick with a kid while also coming to grips with his gay son and son-in-law. That, I suppose, could be considered as a “modern” representation of American family. With the taboos of decades past like inter-racial marriage and homosexuality becoming more mainstream, the family dynamic is naturally changing in America. But not like in this movie.
I’m really not as intolerant as you would think. I just happen to find offensive things hysterical. But the thing is I despise people who want to exhibit some kind of pseudo-enlightenment by maintaining the ludicrous idea that a lesbian couple with two kids via artificial insemination is some kind of template for families in America. I mean, I’m a 28-year-old white guy who is marrying an Asian chick with a 15-year-old. If you put both of our families and friends together in the same place it would be like a freaking sitcom. (I cannot wait for my wedding.) But I wouldn’t presume to try and explain to someone that my family dynamic is representative of the majority of families in America.
It's just so confusing. Like, now the "norm" has to be abnormal because god forbid you'd offend someone. How about a movie about a married couple with a few kids who all love each other as the “perfect representation of a modern family?” No fucking way, dude. Because you just know some gay, Puerto Rican, tranny who wants to marry its dog would be offended by the implication that they are not being portrayed as the representative demographic of American families.
As a white male in America I’m pretty sure I’m not technically allowed to be offended by anything, nor am I allowed to say derogatory things about anyone, but that comment is not about offending me or my (clearly not delicate) sensibilities. It’s about the politically correct arena that we have to conduct our lives in these days. Some people are different. They have different beliefs, appearances, abilities, sexual preferences and styles. I’m not here to preach that we all hold hands and get along either. I saw a fucktard who was about 200lbs overweight at Steak and Hoagie Factory yesterday with a spike coming out of his chin, a metal studded jean vest (yeah, a fucking jean vest), skinny jeans and the most fucked up looking haircut I’ve ever seen. I didn’t say anything to him as he slobbered all over his girlfriend and if he wants to go out in public looking like a walking case for abortion then that’s his prerogative. But don’t try and fucking tell me that he is representative of a demographic that commands any portion of our population other than douchebag punks who shouldn’t be eating a cheesesteak anyway.
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