Oh MTV don't you ever change

Oh, hi there. I didn’t see you come in. I’m just catching up on my news for the day on this beautiful (albeit hot as shit) Saturday morning. I’m glad you’re here though, because I was just about to go on a psychotic rant about vapid retards and the television network that enables them. Thank god, because if the fiancée had to listen to this shit she’d probably leave me.

I was just reading a spread on MSN.com that talked about MTV and their top ten shows that “broke and set the mold.” They went on the describe MTV (who, to their credit are apparently trying to start playing music videos again. I know! I was shocked too.) as a “prime cultural influencer” over the last twenty years. And you know what? They have been. Of course Kim Jong Il has also been a “prime cultural influencer” in Korea for quite some time too.

That’s the thing about influence. Just because you have it doesn’t necessarily make what you can manipulate good, or the way you manipulate it right. Let’s break down the ten shows that basically redefined what a douchebag is.

The Hills

I am extremely proud to say that I have never seen an episode of The Hills. I have, however, been subjected to the self-entitled pseudo-celebrities that it has produced. You have Heidi Montag and her faggoty little douchebag of a husband Spencer Pratt as the ring leaders of these morons. To their credit though, it does take a serious amount of talent to make almost an entire country despise you without technically doing anything wrong. Then you have Lauren Conrad. She, apparently, is the “normal” one on the show I guess? I only know who she is because I’m a hypocrite and read the blogs that follow these blights to society’s actions. And then there’s Audrina Patridge. There’s only two reasons that I know who she is. Guess what they are? The rest of them? Don’t know. Don’t care. But what I do know is that legions of people actually followed that show before it went off the air and genuinely cared about the characters. I’m not sure what’s worse: being a person who only cares about themselves or caring about a person who only cares about themself.

The Real World
Now to be fair, TRW was a ground breaking television show 18 years ago. It was pretty much the genesis of reality TV and it actually did make for compelling television. They put strangers in a house with cameras and just filmed what happened. The characters were complex and issues that the show dealt with were timely and provocative. Now, of course, the show has degenerated into an orgy of binge drinking and STD swapping. It’s the same every season and apparently people can’t get enough of vapid twenty-somethings getting wasted and fucking eachother and/or fucking eachother over. Each season is just a collection of eight or so stereotypes. Stereotypes of people that make me rethink my stance on abortion, by the way.
The Osbournes
Really Ozzy? Ozzy Osbourne used to be the shit. His music was phenomenal. But as as it turns out, forty or so years of drug and alcohol abuse will turn you into a stuttering, mumbling retard. If I was in the kind of shape Ozzy is in I really don’t see myself letting people catalogue what a crazy train wreck (see what I did there?) I’d become. Especially not when the show would be a stage to showcase how badly my kids suck and how whiny and bitchy they are. If I ever have a son who’s as big of a bitch as Jack Osbourne, well, hopefully they’ll let me out of j ail to go to his funeral.

Laguna Beach
See The Hills

Cribs
I actually don’t have a problem with cribs. Of course that’s because it primarily featured people who actually worked (not deserved, worked) for their fame/fortune/huge ass fucking house.

Total Request Live
Oh man, I totally remember rushing home from school to watch this show. That Carson Daily was one cool dude. What with being 30 and thinking he was edgy with his black nail polish and the creepy way he’d hit on teenagers.

Jackass
So apparently latent homosexuality should be celebrated as a primary example of MTV’s cultural influence? If Jackass was going to influence the people who watched it, the disclaimer in the beginning should have said TRY THIS AT HOME YOU FUCKING OXYGEN THIEF!

Newlyweds
They say it is better to remain silent and let others think you are a retard than to open your mouth and remove all doubt… or something like that. For several years Jessica Simpson was just fun to look at. She was thin, blonde, had huge tits and, well, that’s all she needed. Then MTV had to put her in front of a camera and I have never felt worse for a dude married to a hot chick than I did for Nick Lachey. I mean, he’s since upgraded but can you imagine having to live, let alone be married, to someone who actually kills your brain cells when they speak? This show proved what Ron White would later make the title of one of his comedy albums: You can’t fix stupid. As he says, stupid is forever.

The Jersey Shore
They are getting paid $720,000 apiece for the third season. Seven. Hundred. Thousand. DOLLARS. To get drunk and spread their VD around whatever city will let them invade it. Tragically, this show is actually of cultural relevance. People are intrigued by this show and the vapid nature of its “stars.” Even people who really hate it watch it. And guiltily enjoy it. Myself Included.

So there you have it. The “prime cultural influence” that MTV provides can be boiled down to people you hate, or should hate. Because if you don’t, I hate you.