Some thoughts on the All-Star game

I don’t mind telling you that last night watching the All Star game I had that warm fuzzy patriotic feeling you get as I listened to the National Anthem and God Bless America. (Even though I think Sheryl Crow and Sara Evans did shitty jobs, respectively, singing them.)

I also enjoyed watching the living presidents introduce the “All Stars Among Us” during a celebration of the unsung heroes who have done great things for their communities. And yes, I’m a dick and laughed a little when the players didn’t know how to approach the kid with cerebral palsy. (I swear to god one of them walked up, reached out, pulled back, then tried to give him a fist pound.)

It was also nice to be able to watch Obama, W., Clinton, H.W. and Carter really embody each stereotype that people (read: me) like to attribute to them. Obama was completely patronizing as he lectured the public to help. His hands kept popping into the frame as he used his hands to speak, thus solidifying my opinion that he doesn’t think at all about what he is saying or where he is saying it and that all his remarks are designed to be sound bites. You can’t point at people through the TV dumb ass. W had blurry eyes and unfortunately he seemed like he wanted to say, “Really? I have to do this again? Can’t I just take a nap?” It’s like he knew that many of the people watching the game (present company excluded) probably gave a big “fuck you” in unison when his face came up on their screen. Clinton could have just said, “I am a giant ass hole and would like to have a few seconds to tell you how awesome I really am.” That would have gotten the same point across. Bush 41, of course, could have just said, “I’m a decent man and I enjoy being able to help others.” Ah, Jimmy Carter. He should have tried: “Yes folks, I’m still alive and I’m still as big of a useless pussy hippy as ever.”

I also liked the Bob Dylan/Will.I.Am Forever Young commercial. It’s one of my favorite songs and luckily they didn’t fag it up with Rod Stewart who made an abortion of a cover of the song 30 years ago. It was a simple, feel good message but I found it effective nonetheless. Baseball can be a common ground that different generations and people from different backgrounds can all relate around.

Let’s insert an “I hate the Yankees and would like to fuck with Jeiter only because A-Rod wasn’t there” comment, shall we? At the top of the 8th it looked like, while Joe Buck verbally fillated Jeiter for “hanging out” with a fellow All Star’s son (Oh yeah, Joe Buck sucks more than Elton John on E at a gay pride parade. Artie Lange says hi, ass hole.) that he looked like he was eye fucking some chick that he was looking at in the stands. He was looking at someone the way Prince Fielder was eyeing up a hot dog earlier in the night.

As long as Roy Halladay is wearing a Phillies’ uniform at the 2010 All Star game, the National League can suck as hard as they want to in the mid summer classic.

And fuck you too Jeiter for sitting there like pompous douchebag acting like you’re too cool to be there. Guess what? As you were looking at Ryan Howard like he got owned at the plate (which he did, but that’s not the point) he’s won 100% more World Series rings than you have since 2000.

Far be it from me to make fun of a child (no, just kidding, I don’t really have a problem with it) but Mariano Rivera’s kid just got caught on national TV picking his nose. “Thanks Dad,” he said. Maybe he shouldn’t have been texting like a bored out of his mind douchebag while his father saved the game. (Full disclosure: his son looked like he was about 15 or 16 years old so he should know better. It’s not like I’m making fun of a 5 year old for picking his nose. And also, I just hate the Yankees and their kids.)