This is so late it's pathetic

Conservatively speaking I get frustrated and/or angry about 75% of the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I dislike and/or hate an even higher percentage of people and groups that I encounter. That, not surprisingly, is why I'll probably have a heart attack before I'm 40. (The booze and 3 cheesesteaks for lunch a week probably have something to do with that too.)

I've once again encountered a situation where I found two people that individually I would have a problem with but who are now in conflict with eachother. (horrible grammar is fun!!!) So who do I support? The hypocrite, or the hippie. Ugh.

Despite the name of this blog I despise hypocrites. Because of that I'm labled an "ass hole" because I tend not to sugar coat what I have to say. I'm pretty sure that everyone I know is aware of exactly how I feel about basically everything. For example:

my sister: A few of my friends have gotten engaged and have scheduled weddings around the same time you are thinking about. Do you have a date or place?

me: No. And I said from the beginning that as long as fiancee, her daughter, her mom, and mom and dad are there I don't really give a shit if you're there or not.

my sister: I know. Ok.

(In fairness I prefaced not giving a shit with telling her not to base her plans around mine because I hadn't made them yet. Then I told her I didn't give a shit if she was there.)

So I really don't try and pull punches. It's exhausting, really. If we all just said what we really meant the world would probably be a much more relaxing place to live in. More imprtantly, if people didn't get bent the fuck out of shape when you said what you think, then the world be even better than that.

So back to two shitty groups of people I don't like. First you have another douchebag who wants to burn a Quran. Second you have a shirtless hippie with a rat-tail.

There's a reason why Mexicans will risk death to get here so they can pick fruit and do other shit that, let's be honest, we don't want to do. And there's a reason why Canadians stare South, longingly wishing that they didn't have to live in the same country as people who speak French. Incidentally, I literally mean South. If they look East and see Maine and New Hampshire and decide they want to live THERE, then I don't want them to live HERE. And do you know what? There's a reason why I get to write a mean and sarcastic (while at the same time brilliant... I'm modest you see) blog. It's because our country has some pretty great laws regarding people getting to speak their mind.

But holy fucking shit do people take that out of control. Sure, legally I suppose you're allowed to burn the Quran if you want. But when you do that, you turn into a hypocritical piece of shit. As a country, we're supposed to be tolerant of other people. I mean I don't like all of the people who are wrong or don't agree with me (sorry for the redundancy) out there but I would never tell them that they are not ALLOWED to be wrong.

Long story short. This hippie is my hero. Good for him for telling the hypocrite to go fuck himself. I also, just wanted to post this video.




I apologize for how disjointed and generally shitty this post was. I've been trying to piece it together when I've had free time for like two weeks. And I'm bored with it and I have so many different opinions about this that my laziness prohibits me from writing the 5000 word post that this topic deserves.

Voltaire said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Well, in that vein, all I have to say is that if you want to perpetuate hatred against a particular group of people because you failed to educate yourself on the subject then good for you. Have fun. Bu know that you're on your way to becoming what you hate. And go fuck yourself.

The end.

She's not that hot god damn it

Slow days at the office offer lots of time to fuck around on the internet and ponder random shit. Fortunately for me, the interenet is chock full of two things that I hold near and dear to my heart: sports and tits and I never have a shortage of stupid shit rattling around in my brain to obsess about. So today as I read about my sports and looked at tits I got both slammed together in the form of Ines Sainz and her harrowing journey though the world of sports journalism. More specifically the world of sports journalism as it is experienced by eye candy who randomly shows up at events to show off her hot little ass in a perpetual publicity stunt disguised as a "career." Well apparently she showed up at a Jet's practice and the team of 20-something men went and acted like 20-something men when she showed up in her typical work uniform. Oh, that uniform looks something like this:

Alright. The last four or five days have been rife with idiots on both sides of the following argument: Is her attire, coupled with her presence on the sidelines and in locker rooms appropriate. For the record the stances are angry man haters (women) blasting the shit out of anyone who answers the question in the affirmative as neanderthals who are scum for implying that she was basically asking for it. (They weren't, mostly.) And then the flip side of course are the retards saying that hot chicks should cover up their shit if they are going to be in a locker room or on the sidelines. I won't be going more in depth because the answer to that question does not interest me.

Remember how I said I spent the day pondering random shit. Well guess what? I spent a lot of today and some of the last few days wondering what the fuck the big deal is. I heard people on the radio and on TV and online calling her things like the most beautiful woman they had ever seen and physical perfection. Wait, what?



Do you see that face? Holy hell she looks like she got hit in the face with a sock full of quarters. Now, when the rest of you looks like this:

then your face becomes pretty much irrelevant. My problem is the obsession with her as this piece of physical perfection when you have people like this floating around?

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, Sainz is really a good looking woman. What I've basically done is use her as a vehicle to tell people to stop trying to convince me that this monster is some kind of pinnacle of beauty just because she's got huge fun bags...

My god she's hideous. I love boobs. Absolutely love 'em. But holy hell, just because you're fat and have big tits that you like to flaunt does not make you hot. At all. And would someone get her a tan and a toothbrush? Thanks.

Did you miss me? You missed me.

I know it's been a long time since I've written but between vacation and being a productive member of society I just didn't have the time. And I didn't feel like. Actually, it was mostly the latter. But without further ado, who's ready for some chauvinism!?!? I know I sure am.

One of my guilty pleasures is reading celebrity gossip. Not the US Weekly type of celebrity gossip mind you. More the mean spirited and sarcastic type that you would find at What Would Tyler Durden Do? or The Superficial. My homepage is also MSN.com. Why? Because I'm far too lazy to change it, that's why. But I will often click on some of the bull shit pieces that they have at the top of the page that are clearly geared towards women who are sitting at home, single, eating Bon Bons in their bathrobe. Aren't stereotypes fun? They sure are! But today I came across this gem: 10 Beauty Moves Guys Find Sexy.

I am not ashamed to admit that I will always and without fail click on shit like that. It's really hysterical. 20 Things To Drive Him Crazy In Bed. 15 Secrets He's Just Not Telling You. 101 Reasons Why It's OK To Let Yourself Go. Another Lame Attempt To Boost Your Non-existant Self Esteem. Allow me to offer a male perspective on those: Hummers. Your friends are annoying. It's not. And, Didn't I just tell you your ass doesn't look fat? But I digress.

This particular article focused on: "We asked, they spilled. Real guys dish about what they find sexiest in their mates. We bet some of their turn-ons surprise you!" Oh yeah? Well I just can't wait to see what kind of shocking and or inane and retarded bull shit these "real guys" "spilled."

1: When you bare it all.

Ok. The "turn-on" is that guys don't like it when their girlfriends or wives look like they spraypainted their face before they go out. That's not shocking or even remotely surprising. Not at all. One of the guys noted that he loves the way his girlfriend looks when she first wakes up. That is not so much an affirmation of how great she looks. My fiancee looks great when she wakes up too. But I really think it's more of a fascination that a human being can look good when they wake up. Are you a man? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror in the morning. We look like someone beat us with a tennis racket while we hung upside down all night. We are horrific to look at. They manage to not look like monsters so we are enthralled.

2: Your belly.

This is true. At least for me. I don't find stick thin women attractive. It doesnt look healthy and if I can't have sex with you without your hip bones puncturing me you can pound sand. But guess what else I don't find attractive. Chicks with giant guts who obviously have no regard for how they look. So how about this MSN Lifestyle? How about you not try and fill your readers heads with some bullshit that their man wants them to pack on the LBs. We don't. We just want you to enjoy a steak with us like a normal human being and not nibble on a carrot like an anorexic rabbit.

3: When you do that thing you do.

Sometimes little habits can be endearing. I will grant you that. But guess what? Sometimes shit is just annoying. Someone needs to give the guys in this section some balls to strap on. Once again we see the article trying to affirm to women that, "Hey, you can be an annoying cunt all you want! He'll think it's cute." No he won't. Not all the time. And he will leave you so you can annoy the fuck out of someone else.

4: When you toss the hair dryer.

This is a total opinion and deserves no place in this list. Some women look good with straight hair. Some look good with curly hair. And some look good with either. Don't try and feed me some bull shit that if your girl has a frizzy disaster on top of her head that she should just leave it that way. Christ. You comb your hair before you go out right? I fucking hope so. So how about you let her just do what looks good on her. Jackass.

5: Your eyelashes.

Ahem: "I love her eyes," says Trevor, 46. "Sometimes she looks at me under her lashes and it makes me want to head straight to the bedroom!" Ok, Trevor. Eyes I get. Awesome eyes are in fact a major turn on. But eyelashes? I don't even know if my fiancee has fucking eyelashes. Maybe once your boyfriend takes his dick out of your ass you will also stop noticing eyelashes like the rest of the hetero men in society.

6: Your legs.

Agreed. But once again, this is not shocking or surprising. Any woman out there who didn't realize men don't appreciate a nice pair of legs probably hasn't seen hers in a decade because of all the cats that have wrapped themselves around them. The only thing shocking about men noticing a woman's legs would be if he "noticed" that she didn't fucking have any.

7: Your style.

This one was accompanied by this picture:

"Time to break out the feathers, bright nail polish, and all those other trends you love, because, fashionable or not, nothing makes you sexier than you being you."

The fuck it is sweetheart. If my fiancee tried to go outside looking like some hipster freakshow I would tell her to go back upstairs and change her shit. And you know what? I would expect her to do the same thing to me if I came downstairs looking like an idiot. Do you know why I expect that? Because it's happened. And I didn't take offense, I just changed my fucking shirt because I didn't want to look like a douche. Just because you have an "original" sense of style doesn't mean you should share it with the world. You looking like a moron is not sexy. It's embarassing.

8:Your scent.

OK. Lets break this one down.

"I don't know how she does it, but she always smells delicious," says Brent, 29, of his girlfriend, Cate. "Even when she just gets out of the shower!"

Yeah dumbass. Of course she smells good right out of the shower. If she got out of the shower and smelled like she rubbed shit all over her I'd really hope you'd hand her a wash cloth and tell her to get the fuck back in.

"I love inhaling her right here," says Damien, 35, pointing to the area of his girlfriend Veronica's neck right under her ear, where she says she applies Burberry's The Beat Eau perfume every morning. "She smells amazing, all sexy and soft."

That's not her scent. That's Burberry's scent.

"Tyler, 26, says his girlfriend "asked for a bottle of Stellanude by Stella McCarthy for her birthday, and now I now knows why. She smells incredible in it. It's seriously like an aphrodisiac for me, all I can think about is her wearing nothing except that perfume."

Admittedly there are two ways to look at this particular item. Scent and scent. The way she smells wearing a certain perfume is the first way. And yes, it can be appealing if you like what she's wearing. Most women have that signature perfume that they always wear and smell is one of the most powerful senses we have. To this day I can smell a particular perfume that will remind me of an old girlfriend. Then I get creeped out and hope the future wife doesn't find out. (I hope she doesn't read this.)

But there is also her scent. The way she smells when she wakes up. The way she smells while you're laying on the couch on Saturday afternoon with eachother. Which one's sexier? Fuck if I know. As long as it smells good. I'm down.

9: When you ask for what you want.

That's not being sexy. That's being a decent member of society. Women just don't seem to understand how fucking infuriating some coy response to a question is. I know men and women are wired differently, but come the fuck on. How hard is it to process in your head: I want X. When someone asks me what I want I will say X, please. Whether it's sex, food, a movie or even a gift. Just tell me! This is probably the most useful, albeit out of place, item on this entire list.

10: Your job.

I really can't argue with the mentality of this one. I leave for work after my fiancee does. She looks super hot getting ready and putting on her work clothes. It's also attractive to know that she has a job that she's good at because she's very intelligent and capable and not an idiot. (I hope she reads this.)

And there you have it, my insight into the least informative article in the history of everything ever. You're welcome.

Please oh please let this be true. Please be true.

I hate Brett Favre. This has been documented on HI before. (Here, and Here) In short, it's not that he is a drama queen about whether or not he is going to retire. Sure, that's annoying but the real issue is that it is so blatantly irresponsible and disrespectful to his teammates and the teams that he plays for that he does a disservice to everyone involved. And I do mean everyone, himself included.

Now, yesterday word came out that Favre informed the Vikings that he was going to retire because his busted ankle that he drug his feet having surgery on is still not 100%. Everyone made a dismissive wanking motion and basically said, "Whatever asshole. See you in a few weeks." And thus the Favre Saga v. 3.0 began. Naturally today Favre said that he had informed the Vikings of no such thing and that he intended to play as long as his ankle was fine. I know, I was just as shocked as you. Of course, that is to say that I was not shocked at all. But oh, what fantastic news I heard today. The kind of news that I won't mind reading about Brett Favre over the next few weeks. (Hopefully.) Apprently that backwater hick got bored while he was in New York playing for the Jets and decided to send cock pics to Jenn Sterger. You remember Jenn Sterger, right? (NSFW)

Yup. The (married) QB is about to turn even his supporters against him by not only being a prima donna, but now also a scum bag. Now, so far this has only been reported by Deadspin. But oh god I want it to be true, mostly because as this story picks up steam someone is going to look like just as big of an asshole as Favre. My money is on the media who slobbers all over the cock that he apparently sent picks of to Sterger. Now, look, I don't blame Favre for wanting to hit this. She's definitely hot, but you see, when you string the public along and people don't hate you because of the aw shucks persona that you manufactured, you can't be doing shit like sending pics of your junk to women you're not married to. Which brings me to my second point: dude's married.

So anyway, I can't wait to watch this story unfold. For once it's August and I'm actually looking forward to hearing about Brett Favre. Hopefully when this is all said and done he'll announce he's coming back to football to try and move the news to that angle so that once again he can not win the Super Bowl and hopefully make his "last" NFL pass an interception, which, incidentally would be the third time he's done so. In, conclusion, fuck you Favre, you're more of a two-faced piece of shit than I had originally thought.

Let's hear it for Chief Ramsey!

Because of those god damned Quakers, Pennsylvania has ridiculously stringent blue laws. You can't buy beer and liquor in the same place; only select places can be open on Sunday; you're not allowed to drink and drive, etc. That last one I think is on the books in every state but it's still a ridiculous rule. Actually, it's not illegal in Montana, Mississippi and Indiana where you can drink while you drive, you just can't be drunk while you drive. But there is one thing that Pennsylvania is good at and that's a-killin' people who do bad shit. As one of the 34 states in the country that allows capital punishment, and because I live here, Pennsylvania gets a big thumbs up from me.

I'm (clearly) a proponent of the death penalty. As a matter of fact, I think that it should be used more liberally. For example: Do anything bad to a child? Fuck you. Your ass is going to Rockview (where PA’s death row is located.) See, if the death penalty is going to be a deterrent then you have to USE IT. Make it a capital offense to be a rude obnoxious piece of shit and guess what? You’ll see a drastic decrease in the number of people who run around being rude obnoxious pieces of shit. I’m sorry, but we really don’t need another season of Jersey Shore anyway.

Fortunately, there is one crime that will guaran-fucking-tee you a needle in the arm and that’s killing a cop. As murder goes, killing a cop rates up there with killing a baby on the tragedy scale. How dare someone take the life of another person, let alone the life of another person who has SWORN TO PROTECT YOU? Cops put their life on the line (I know that’s a clichéd phrase but it’s true so fuck you) every single day to protect the rest of us. Now, dirty cops are different of course. If you’re doing stupid shit and something bad happens to you then oh well. But to kill a cop is a heinous offense.

Just over two years ago a Philadelphia Sergeant was shot and killed in the line of duty. His murderer (Howard Cain) was later killed in a gunfight with police. Well guess what? Yesterday the other two guys with him (Eric Floyd and Levon Warner) just received the verdict for their charge of first degree murder from the jury. Guilty. And guess what else? Because Pennsylvania is one of those wonderful states that kills people who kill other people, the prosecution sought the death penalty and hope to Hell that they get it because those fuckers don’t even deserve lethal injection. We should go back to the way it was until around the early 90s when we just electrocuted the shit out of people until they died.

Well anyway, that was basically just about 500 words to preface this: Philly Police Chief Charles Ramsey is the absolute shit and a new hero of mine. Outside of the courthouse following the verdict a reporter asked the chief if he supported the death penalty. His response? “What do you think? I look forward to the day when those two gentlemen once again hook up with Howard Cain in hell.” That is fucking awesome and exactly what I want to hear from a police chief. “Hey chief! Should douchebag assholes that do reprehensible things have to pay for it with their life?” “Fuck and yes they should.”

Oh MTV don't you ever change

Oh, hi there. I didn’t see you come in. I’m just catching up on my news for the day on this beautiful (albeit hot as shit) Saturday morning. I’m glad you’re here though, because I was just about to go on a psychotic rant about vapid retards and the television network that enables them. Thank god, because if the fiancée had to listen to this shit she’d probably leave me.

I was just reading a spread on MSN.com that talked about MTV and their top ten shows that “broke and set the mold.” They went on the describe MTV (who, to their credit are apparently trying to start playing music videos again. I know! I was shocked too.) as a “prime cultural influencer” over the last twenty years. And you know what? They have been. Of course Kim Jong Il has also been a “prime cultural influencer” in Korea for quite some time too.

That’s the thing about influence. Just because you have it doesn’t necessarily make what you can manipulate good, or the way you manipulate it right. Let’s break down the ten shows that basically redefined what a douchebag is.

The Hills

I am extremely proud to say that I have never seen an episode of The Hills. I have, however, been subjected to the self-entitled pseudo-celebrities that it has produced. You have Heidi Montag and her faggoty little douchebag of a husband Spencer Pratt as the ring leaders of these morons. To their credit though, it does take a serious amount of talent to make almost an entire country despise you without technically doing anything wrong. Then you have Lauren Conrad. She, apparently, is the “normal” one on the show I guess? I only know who she is because I’m a hypocrite and read the blogs that follow these blights to society’s actions. And then there’s Audrina Patridge. There’s only two reasons that I know who she is. Guess what they are? The rest of them? Don’t know. Don’t care. But what I do know is that legions of people actually followed that show before it went off the air and genuinely cared about the characters. I’m not sure what’s worse: being a person who only cares about themselves or caring about a person who only cares about themself.

The Real World
Now to be fair, TRW was a ground breaking television show 18 years ago. It was pretty much the genesis of reality TV and it actually did make for compelling television. They put strangers in a house with cameras and just filmed what happened. The characters were complex and issues that the show dealt with were timely and provocative. Now, of course, the show has degenerated into an orgy of binge drinking and STD swapping. It’s the same every season and apparently people can’t get enough of vapid twenty-somethings getting wasted and fucking eachother and/or fucking eachother over. Each season is just a collection of eight or so stereotypes. Stereotypes of people that make me rethink my stance on abortion, by the way.
The Osbournes
Really Ozzy? Ozzy Osbourne used to be the shit. His music was phenomenal. But as as it turns out, forty or so years of drug and alcohol abuse will turn you into a stuttering, mumbling retard. If I was in the kind of shape Ozzy is in I really don’t see myself letting people catalogue what a crazy train wreck (see what I did there?) I’d become. Especially not when the show would be a stage to showcase how badly my kids suck and how whiny and bitchy they are. If I ever have a son who’s as big of a bitch as Jack Osbourne, well, hopefully they’ll let me out of j ail to go to his funeral.

Laguna Beach
See The Hills

Cribs
I actually don’t have a problem with cribs. Of course that’s because it primarily featured people who actually worked (not deserved, worked) for their fame/fortune/huge ass fucking house.

Total Request Live
Oh man, I totally remember rushing home from school to watch this show. That Carson Daily was one cool dude. What with being 30 and thinking he was edgy with his black nail polish and the creepy way he’d hit on teenagers.

Jackass
So apparently latent homosexuality should be celebrated as a primary example of MTV’s cultural influence? If Jackass was going to influence the people who watched it, the disclaimer in the beginning should have said TRY THIS AT HOME YOU FUCKING OXYGEN THIEF!

Newlyweds
They say it is better to remain silent and let others think you are a retard than to open your mouth and remove all doubt… or something like that. For several years Jessica Simpson was just fun to look at. She was thin, blonde, had huge tits and, well, that’s all she needed. Then MTV had to put her in front of a camera and I have never felt worse for a dude married to a hot chick than I did for Nick Lachey. I mean, he’s since upgraded but can you imagine having to live, let alone be married, to someone who actually kills your brain cells when they speak? This show proved what Ron White would later make the title of one of his comedy albums: You can’t fix stupid. As he says, stupid is forever.

The Jersey Shore
They are getting paid $720,000 apiece for the third season. Seven. Hundred. Thousand. DOLLARS. To get drunk and spread their VD around whatever city will let them invade it. Tragically, this show is actually of cultural relevance. People are intrigued by this show and the vapid nature of its “stars.” Even people who really hate it watch it. And guiltily enjoy it. Myself Included.

So there you have it. The “prime cultural influence” that MTV provides can be boiled down to people you hate, or should hate. Because if you don’t, I hate you.

Layin on the hypocrisy pretty thick today... enjoy

Today is a shitty day and I’ve had to deal with some seriously retarded individuals with a handful of certifiable assholes thrown in so it was the wrong day for me to hear the latest radio ad for “The Kids Are Alright,” the latest movie from Julianne Moore and Annette Benning. The basic premise of the movie is: two lesbians who are in a relationship each have a kid via artificial insemination from the same dude; the kids grow up and want to meet their dad; the dad comes into their life and they all live happily ever after… or whatever. Now I’m not one for romantic comedies. And I’m especially not one for romantic comedies about lesbians who are as old and busted as Benning and Moore. Well here’s the thing: one of the reviews that the ad quoted said that the movie was “a near perfect representation of the modern family.”

What. The. Fuck.

Now, call me unreasonable but in what fucking world is this critic living in where the current modern family consists of two lesbos who cum-basted themselves with a stranger’s man-juice only to have said man become part of the family once the kids are grown. In the television show “Modern Family” I can buy “modern” as the mom, dad and kids with the grandfather marrying a hot young Columbian chick with a kid while also coming to grips with his gay son and son-in-law. That, I suppose, could be considered as a “modern” representation of American family. With the taboos of decades past like inter-racial marriage and homosexuality becoming more mainstream, the family dynamic is naturally changing in America. But not like in this movie.

I’m really not as intolerant as you would think. I just happen to find offensive things hysterical. But the thing is I despise people who want to exhibit some kind of pseudo-enlightenment by maintaining the ludicrous idea that a lesbian couple with two kids via artificial insemination is some kind of template for families in America. I mean, I’m a 28-year-old white guy who is marrying an Asian chick with a 15-year-old. If you put both of our families and friends together in the same place it would be like a freaking sitcom. (I cannot wait for my wedding.) But I wouldn’t presume to try and explain to someone that my family dynamic is representative of the majority of families in America.

It's just so confusing. Like, now the "norm" has to be abnormal because god forbid you'd offend someone. How about a movie about a married couple with a few kids who all love each other as the “perfect representation of a modern family?” No fucking way, dude. Because you just know some gay, Puerto Rican, tranny who wants to marry its dog would be offended by the implication that they are not being portrayed as the representative demographic of American families.

As a white male in America I’m pretty sure I’m not technically allowed to be offended by anything, nor am I allowed to say derogatory things about anyone, but that comment is not about offending me or my (clearly not delicate) sensibilities. It’s about the politically correct arena that we have to conduct our lives in these days. Some people are different. They have different beliefs, appearances, abilities, sexual preferences and styles. I’m not here to preach that we all hold hands and get along either. I saw a fucktard who was about 200lbs overweight at Steak and Hoagie Factory yesterday with a spike coming out of his chin, a metal studded jean vest (yeah, a fucking jean vest), skinny jeans and the most fucked up looking haircut I’ve ever seen. I didn’t say anything to him as he slobbered all over his girlfriend and if he wants to go out in public looking like a walking case for abortion then that’s his prerogative. But don’t try and fucking tell me that he is representative of a demographic that commands any portion of our population other than douchebag punks who shouldn’t be eating a cheesesteak anyway.