USA!? USA!? USA!?

America. Fuck Yeah!!

My crippling xenophobia unbridled patriotism coupled with my love of sports makes international competitions one of my favorite things to watch. The Olympics will glue me to my couch for two weeks at at time, every two years. I've watched international wrestling competitions, figure skating competitions along with baseball, gymnastics and skiing competitions and I guess you can count golf too. Holy fuck, I've even watched non-olympic curling championships. Why do I watch these? Because America is the shit and I want to cheer on my fellow Americans in their pursuits of excellence.

Except in soccer. I hate soccer. I do not care one tiny bit about the World Cup. And do you know what? I kind of feel bad about that. There has been nothing to get me to watch soccer during this tournament other than, ironically, the thing people hate the most about it. I turned on one of the USMNT's games, the one against England I believe, to see what the big deal was about the vuvuvelas. (Which was when I realized that yes, yes there was something in this world that could make me hate watching soccer more.) And wow, whoever thought up those fucking things should be raped with a burning pitch fork.

But I digress. I know I should be following the games. I should be cheering on the USMNT simply because they are the American team. They are out there competing in the name of all that is good and right and coated with a thick layer of oil. (Oh, too soon?) But I just can't bring myself to do it. I clicked onto Facebook today and approximately 15 different friends had some itteration of (an obnoxiously protracted) GOOOAAALLL!!!! And I thought, "hm, I guess the US won their game." And then I went back to work.

Why though? Why do I hate soccer? Well, I'm glad you asked. It all goes back to 1999. July 10, 1999 specifically. Prior to 1999 I was merely disinterested in soccer. I just didn't see the appeal, but it wasn't a sport that I actively and aggressively disliked.

That summer I was 17 years old and my parents were having a party at their house for who cares. I was 17 and it was the summer time. Well that particular day the US women were playing China in the World Cup finals. After 90+ minutes (why 90 PLUS minutes? Well that's because they are fucking retarded and don't stop the clock for stoppage in play they add an arbitrary count at the end of the original 90 minutes so no one has any idea how much fucking time is left in the contest.) the score was tied 0-0. Everyone in the house who was watching raved on and on about what a great game it had been up to that point. At this point I almost lost my shit. NOTHING HAPPENED FOR 90 MINUTES!!! NOT ONE G-D THING!!! WHAT WAS SO FUCKING ENTERTAINING!?!?!?! And that's when I started to actively hate soccer. It was unfathomable to me that people are entertained by people running in circles on a field so big that they look like ants from a reasonable vantage point. Not even a US victory over those commie scumbag Chinese could persuade to join the billions of soccer fans around the world.

As a baseball fan you would think I would be sympathetic to fans of a game where for a long time it would appear that nothing happened if you did not understand the nuances of the game. You, I'm afraid, would be wrong. Why? Because baseball is strictly and originally American baby! Like apple pie and democracy!!

For further reading on why soccer sucks, may I suggest a brief essay by Chuck Klosterman.