I can't stand the apologies that celebrities have to make when they do something stupid. There is no need to apologize to the kids. Or the fans. The people that need to be apologized to are the people that were directly hurt by your actions. In Tiger's case, his family. The only thing worse than the contrived mea culpa is when said celebrity can't even pretend to be genuine in their apology. Hey, guess where Tiger Woods falls! That jerk off couldn't even be bothered to feign genuine remorse. His entire statement could have been given in two lines. 1: Leave me and my family alone. 2: Please still hire me to endorse your products.
Let's translate his statement.
Good morning, and
thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room
are my friends. Many of you in this room know me.
Many of you have cheered for me or you've
worked with me or you've supported me.
You'll notice that I've collected a very small, select group of individuals to be present today. You'll also notice that my wife is not here because she hates me and wishes I had died when I crashed my SUV on Thanksgiving.
I know people want to find out how I could
be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know
how I could have done these things to my wife Elin
and to my children. And while I have always tried
to be a private person, there are some things I
want to say.
People really just want to know about fucking those hookers, porn stars and IHOP waitresses. Well, maybe just the hookers and porn stars. And I've always been a private person so I will spend the next ten minutes not really saying anything substantial.
Elin and I have started the process of
discussing the damage caused by my behavior.
As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her
will not come in the form of words; it will come from
my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss;
however, what we say to each other will remain
between the two of us.
Elin is fucking pissed. I am going to have to be her bitch for the rest of my life or until she dies. Speaking of which, does anyone know a good hit man?
I am also aware of the pain my behavior
has caused to those of you in this room. I have let
you down, and I have let down my fans. For many
of you, especially my friends, my behavior has
been a personal disappointment. To those of you
who work for me, I have let you down personally
and professionally. My behavior has caused
considerable worry to my business partners.
Seriously guys, It'll be OK. But Elin is about to rape my bank accounts and if you can still endorse me and help pad that shit you would really be doing me a solid.
I have a lot to atone for, but there is one
issue I really want to discuss. Some people have
speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me
on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people
would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me
that night or any other night. There has never
been an episode of domestic violence in our
marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace
and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves
praise, not blame.
Elin totally kicked my ass.
I stopped living by the core values that I
was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were
wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules
didn't apply. I never thought about who I was
hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran
straight through the boundaries that a married
couple should live by. I thought I could get away
with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked
hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the
temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.
Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far
to find them.
I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to
play by different rules. The same boundaries that
apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this
shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my
mother, my wife's family, my friends, my
foundation, and kids all around the world who
admired me
I thought I could do whatever I wanted because I was rich and famous. It never occurred to me that my fame might actually make this an issue when it became public. Basically I was a sociopath who couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Then I got caught. That suuuuuucked.
I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not
what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you
overcome. Achievements on the golf course are
only part of setting an example. Character and
decency are what really count.
I'd like to repeat a quasi-profound quote that I cannot attribute to anyone but I guess it sounds good in this situation. Also, achievements on the golf course are in no way a vehicle for setting an example. Character and decenty are what really count.
Parents used to point to me as a role
model for their kids. I owe all those families a
special apology. I want to say to them that I am
truly sorry.
Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. To those parents, I would like to say that you are shitty parents and maybe YOU should be the role models. I'm not really sorry.
As I proceed, I understand people have
questions. I understand the press wants to ask me
for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I
understand people want to know whether Elin and
I will remain together. Please know that as far as
I'm concerned, every one of these questions and
answers is a matter between Elin and me. These
are issues between a husband and a wife.
I've already made my wife look like a fool and she told me that if I ever go public with the details of my affairs she will make the beating she gave me on Thanksgiving look like a nice massage. Please don't make me explain. She scares me.
I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to
dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this
path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught
me at a young age. People probably don't realize
it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively
practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted
away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches
that a craving for things outside ourselves causes
an unhappy and pointless search for security. It
teaches me to stop following every impulse and to
learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was
taught.
I was a Buddhist until I realized that I was a billionaire and could do whatever the fuck I wanted. That was so much more fun. And the Buddhism totally got in the way of the cooze. I'm going to use the excuse that Buddhism is going to help me with my impulse control. Which I know is ridiculous. But doesn't this sound good?
As I move forward, I will continue to
receive help because I've learned that's how
people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will
leave for more treatment and more therapy. I
would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why
I'm making these remarks today.
People sometimes need help to change. But sometimes they need hope too. Like, I hope that Elin doesn't murder me in my sleep. And I hope I can start making hundreds of millions of dollars again while getting provided a bunch of free shit. Thanks to my friends at Accenture. And my colleagues who understand why I'm making this statement today, even though the timing is arbitrary and not very clear. But you know what I mean.
I want to thank the PGA TOUR,
Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their
patience and understanding while I work on my
private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow
players on the course.
I'll be kicking your asses at The Master's bitches! Woods. Out.
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