The only thing worse than people trying to summarize an entire year, let a lone decade's worth, of whatever arbitrary topic they choose is when they have to get pretentious about it. I loath pretentious people. When I rule the world if you start acting like a stuck up prick it will be perfectly legal for someone to give you a good hard nut shot. I know that I am loud and obnoxious. I also think I'm right about everything. (Which is basically because I am, you see.) But I do not look down my nose at people who have different opinions than me. I might think they are retarded but I'm not going to be pretentious about it. The easiest way for people who make lists to hop on the pretentious douchebag bandwagon is to add some kind of retarded choice into their collection to show everyone just how not shallow/introspective/sensitive they are. Take People Magazine for example.
Every year they come out with their list of the most beautiful people. And every god damn year I look at that list and scratch my head. Rumer fucking Willis? Seriously? That bitch looks like one of those "If They Mated" mash ups on Conan. Michelle Obama? Look, I know she's the First Lady but go ahead and tell me with a straight face that she couldn't fit her fist in that yapper of hers. She is not an attractive woman. Beautiful People lists are supposed to be shallow and superficial. They are supposed to be made up of people that are nice too look at. And I understand the idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but based on pure aesthetics, a most beautiful people list should be one of the most easily agreed upon lists out there. Go ahead and find a guy who wouldn't cut off his pinky for 10 minutes with Marissa Miller.
Anyway, when I'm being productive at the office by browsing the web and see "66 Women Who Wowed Us" I have certain expectations. Those expectations, while specific, are quite simple: 66 hot women who I would like to see naked, dressed in as little clothing as possible, preferably on a bed or beach. So I click the link and the first face I see is Zooey Deschanel. Meh. I can see the appeal for some people. I happen to prefer her sister, but OK we're still good. Second face: Lady fucking Gaga. Are you mother fucking kidding me? That fug bitch looks like she was beaten in the face with a brick. She looks like something that would turn up in one of Tim Burton's movies or something. Like some kind of image someone would see in a nightmare. But still, I guess there are guys out there who can see that she has a decent body and invest in a nice brown bag. Then we start to get into business with Penelope Cruz, Ms. Miller, Eva Mendes, Sofia Vergara and a bunch of chicks I've never heard of but now want to see naked. That is until....
BAM!!
Susan Boyle is in this gallery. Now you listen up Coed Magazine. You fuckers have a very specific purpose. You focus on things that I hold very near and dear to my heart: women, booze, sports, comedy and popular culture. You're good at your job and you cater to the "Frat Guy" set very well. Now don't go getting fucking pretentious on me you ass holes. Susan Boyle has no place on your website unless it is on a list titled "People Whose Disappearance Would Make The World A Prettier Place" sandwiched right between Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton. I understand that the list was titled "66 People Who Wowed Us" and not "Hot Chicks You Want To Nail" but come the fuck on dudes. It's about expectations and I could give a flying fuck how great Susan Boyle is at singing. She is hideous to look at and really that's all I care about. So how about you pull your shit together, make a follow up to your expose on hand bras, and stop trying to pretend to be sympathetic to some ugly old lady with a good singing voice.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
No comments:
Post a Comment