So the NFL season is winding down, playoff pictures are starting to get a little clearer and each game is more important than the last. But today I don't care about any of that. I care about three things in the world of sports.
1: Charlie Weis got fired today.
2: Pete Carroll is a fucking douchebag.
3: Tiger Woods got beat up by his wife with a golf club.
What a great Monday!
First, Weis. Don't let the door hit your fat ass on the way out dick head! For every Notre Dame fan out there, there's a Notre Dame hater. Frankly, I'm indifferent. I do, however, think that fraudulent Notre Dame fans are huge douchebags. Just because you happen to be Irish does not mean you should be a fan of Notre Dame. You get to be a fan of The Irish if you went to school in South Bend, if you grew up in South Bend or MAYBE if you have a close family member or spouse who attended the university. One of my biggest pet peeves are people who just adopt sports teams to root for. Geography and institutes of higher education that you attended are what should dictate your athletic allegiances. If you are a Cowboys fan who is not from Texas, fuck you. If you are a Yankees fan who is not from New York, fuck you. If you are a Patriots or Red Sox fan, actually, fuck all of those people. So it's more the fans than the institution that makes me hate Notre Dame. At least that was the case until five years ago when that big bag of lard called Charlie waddled his gock into South bend. Weis is just a smug piece of shit and I got a whole lot of joy watching him blow for the last several years. Talk about an overrated coach. Now he's fired. And that makes me happy, although it would have been nice to watch him drive that program into the ground for the next half decade but like I said, it's not the program that I hate, it's most of the fans.
Pete Carroll is another college football coach who I really love to hate. I really have no real reason to other than that, you know, he's won national championships lately and Penn State hasn't. Sure he beat them at the Rose Bowl last year but that's really it. I suppose the real reason he's douchebag is because he's had so many students come through his program who turned out to be douchebags. And you know, really the players are a reflection of their coach. He's also kind of a prick and nowhere was that relevant moreso than in his regular season finale this weekend against UCLA. With less than a minute remaining in the game USC had the game in hand with a 21-7 lead and the ball. They took a knee and UCLA called a timeout. So what? Right? Well at this point USC and Carroll in particular have two choices. First, they could take another knee and run out the clock. That's what you would call, "taking the high road." Or Carroll could dial up a 48 yard bomb to jack the score up another 7 points. That's called "being a huge fucking ass hole." As the head coach of a bunch of kids, it is Carroll's job to teach them not only how to win but how to win gracefully and to play the game with pride and respect. Not to be a spiteful prick who needs to prove some kind of point. Get fucked Pete.
And that brings us to the best news item in the sporting world from the whole weekend: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren had some sort of domestic dispute and holy shit has it been fun to read the speculation. Since it is unlikely that anyone will ever know exactly what happened in their home very early on Friday morning I'm going to go ahead and play a game I like to call "Let's make assumptions that put a smile on my face." Let's say that the most entertaining portions of the speculation surrounding the events at their home are correct. Okay? Then this is what happened: Tiger was banging some chick in Australia. She's hotter than Tiger's wife. Not a big deal until you remember that his wife is a Swedish bikini model. Good work Mr. Woods. So Elin finds out and then BEATS HIM UP WITH A GOLF CLUB!!! Holy. Shit. That is awesome. He ran away, got in his car and then crashed it into his neighbors yard. Then she broke the rear windshield with the golf club!! It's like Cops except they were probably wearing Nike apparel instead of wife beaters and drinking wine instead of Old E. I actually hope the real story never comes out because it could never possibly amuse me more than what I have pictured in my head. Tiger has spent years cultivating an image that while not necessarily likeable, is extremely marketable. He makes hundreds of millions of dollars basically because he is not the type to have an affair and then have his wife attack him with a golf club. Oh Tiger, I know a good auto repair shop if you need some body work done.
Awww. They're so cute when they aren't attacking each other with sports equipment.
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