Apparently right before the picture to the left was taken a reporter asked the Balloon Boy's dad, Richard Heene, "Can you give us an idea of exactly how big of a pile of shit this whole story is?"I despise anyone who exploits their family for personal or financial gain. That includes, but is not limited to: parents who pimp their children out in the entertainment industry, parents who invite cameras into their home to film their lives because they are irresponsible and have a shit ton of kids, people who experience family tragedy and try and cash in on it, and people who ask their kids to do unethical things in an effort to gain publicity, fame and/or money.
Speaking of people who ask their children to do what they know is wrong to perpetuate a hoax or publicity stunt, how about that balloon boy, Falcon Heene. (Oh, I also hate people who give their kids retarded names. It's not ENTIRELY relevant to the point of this particular story, but come on. Falcon? Ugh. I think it's also germane to the point that the same type of douchebags who name their kids idiotic things like Falcon and Apple and Reignbeau are the same types of parents who obviously have such little regard for the well being of their children that they would put them in one of the above scenarios.) This kid was all over the news the other day because he had apparently snuck into his dad's giant floating serving of Jiffy Pop and sailed off into the wild blue yonder when the tethers came undone.
Not since June 17, 1994 when OJ Simpson and Al Cowlings made off up the 405 in California have Americans been so glued to their TVs watching basically nothing fucking happen. For 5 hours the balloon boy was the most famous kid in America. For 5 hours the media salivated over the story because there is nothing, absolutely nothing, the American media loves more than tragedy. Especially if it involves a child. Is he really in the balloon? How did he get in the balloon? Will he live? Will he die? Will that retarded father of his be held accountable in any manner whatsoever? Could we possibly milk this shit any more?
And so it was, at 4:05pm MDT Larimer County's Sheriff's department receives word that Falcon Heene was found inside his family home, safe and sound. So of course the answers to the aforementioned questions are: no, he never was in it, yes, no, probably not, and no because he didn't die. And then it was the Silver Fox's turn. Oh, Wolf Blitzer, you of the election day holograms, Situation Room douchebaggery and EPIC Celebrity Jeopardy fails. You, sir, landed the interview that the public craved!
You just know that Wolf would never let us down. He'd ask the tough questions. He'd pepper the family with follow ups so that if there were inconsistencies in an already suspicious story he could sniff them out like a, well, wolf. HE WOULD NOT TAKE ANY KIND OF BULL SHIT FROM A FAMILY WHO CONNED AMERICA AND WASTED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF PUBLIC FUNDS!!!!
To the interview we go!
Wolf: Congratulations to all of you.
For losing your 6-year-old in the attic for 5 hours? Well, OK. Start off on the right foot Wolf. Don't put them on the defensive yet. Make them comfortable so then you can POUNCE!!
Wolf: Richard, walk us through slowly but surely, what exactly happened to Falcon today and how all of this got so way, way out of control.
Yeah, atta boy Wolf. You know something's fishy. Just give him a little bit of rope so he can hang himself.
Richard Heene, Balloon Boy's Dad: OK. Yes, so we were setting up our family experiment for my wife and I's anniversary. It's a good excuse. And, anyway the kids helped to actually construct the saucer- looking craft. We had glued panels of plastic wood and, you know, they helped paint it. And the experiment was for one of our family inventions. And we're trying to build a craft to where people can no longer drive in their car and just kind of elevate and float to work at 50 to 100 feet off the ground.
Wait. What?
Wolf: And you were doing this in your backyard?
R. Heene: That's correct. Yes, we did this in our backyard. And anyway, so we started inflating it with helium, which keeps it buoyant, so we could conduct the -- the high voltage experiments. The outer skin of this thing had -- had aluminum foil on it for a positive charge and a negative charge. And you ignite this thing and it kind of gets you to go left and right, horizontal.
But I explained it to all the kids. They actually taped on the high voltage signs earlier, so they knew it was high voltage and they can't touch it.
Alright. So the family was making a craft so people can float to work a hundred feet above the ground. And the kids are first graders and were helping with the "high voltage experiments." But the Heene's were careful to at least tell the kids to be careful. Whoa. That's a whole lot of responsible parenting going on there. But how about we cut to the chase. The meat of the interview. Come on Wolf. Bring it home.
R. Heene: He's asking, Falcon -- did you hear us calling your name at any time?
Falcon Heene: Uh-huh.
R. Heene: You did?
Mayumi Heene (the mom): You didn't?
R. Heene: Well, why didn't you come out?
F. Heene: You had said that we did this for a show.
HOLY FUCK!! Did you hear that? The kid basically just said that his parent's told him to hide up there for some kind of show!! There's got to be a reason he said that. Was this a publicity stunt all along? What show is he talking about? Oh, boy I can't wait to see Blitzer rip these people to shreds!
Wolf: I heard what he said, but I'm sure that's -- I'm not -- it wasn't real -- really clear. What was his -- his reasoning why he heard -- he heard you screaming, "Falcon, Falcon." And I'm sure he heard his mom screaming, "Falcon, Falcon."
But why didn't he come out of the garage at that point?
R. Heene: Well, you know, whenever he -- whenever we tell him things like, you know, it's a bad thing to do, he does go and hide. He cowers down. And like if we go to the store and he wants to buy some candy or something, I have to tell him no. So he's always behind. I mean, the other boys are always telling him, hurry, Falcon, hurry.
So he does -- he does tend to do that.
Wolf: Did you think -- Mayumi, did you think it was possible that Falcon was just hiding out this time and was not necessarily on board that balloon?
M. Heene: We searched any -- any place, even the small drawers and possibly Falcon can fit in any -- any part of house -- and we couldn't find him. Also, we searched his friends' houses, you know, he might be visiting. We -- we went through possible -- any places so (INAUDIBLE).
Wolf: Well, the ordeal was...
(CROSSTALK)
Wolf: The ordeal was only just beginning.
And we're going to pick up at that point right, after this short break.
That is some top flight journalism. It also began the the remainder of the interview which consisted of everyone pussyfooting around the fact that the kid just blew up his parents' spot. Of course Wolf didn't go after them with any kind of tenacity. Everyone pussyfooted their way around the interview in an embarrassingly PC manner. God forbid someone get called to the carpet for making up a ridiculous lie and using a child to perpetuate it. It's OK though. I'm sure the whole thing is just a giant misunderstanding and that the Heene's would never manipulate their kids into props for a stunt to bring attention to themselves.
Oh, wait.
R. Heene: Well, you know, we were on "Wife Swap" a couple times.
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