Will they ever learn?

Gov. Elliot Spitzer
Sen. Larry Craig
Sen. David Vitter
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
Gov. Mark Sanford
Gov. Jim McGreevey
President Bill Clinton
Sen. John Edwards
Sen. John Ensign
Gov. David Paterson
Rep. Newt Gingrich
Rep. Bob Livingston

Would someone please explain to me what it is about politicians in the United States that makes them think that they can cheat on their wives and not get caught? The list above is mostly politicians who were caught in the last few years with their dicks in someone other than their wives. Of course it's not a complete list but you'll notice it includes Presidents, Senators, Representatives, Governors and Mayors -- our leaders apparently just can't stop fucking people they shouldn't. (General public included of course on a figurative level.) This then brings up all kinds of different reasons why these men are morons and douchebags and hypocrites. Well, except Clinton. He basically owned his philandering because he's so full of shit and himself that he knew there wouldn't really be any real consequences for his actions. Which, of course, there were not unless you count no longer romantically associating with Hillary a consequence and not serious motivation.

I suppose you could make the argument that to be a prominent politician you have to have an ego the size of Texas and that that could lead to arrogance which leads to poor decision making with the belief that you will be the lucky one to not get caught. Unfortunately, having a huge ego that allows you to be successful in the public arena is not also a permission slip to be a huge douchebag and tear apart families. (You pay attention here too, Mrs. Gosselin.)

You'll notice every time one of these men (and I'm sure it's not only the men, the women are clearly just more discreet) gets caught with their pants down, the next time you see them on TV is when they are at their press conference crying about how sorry they are and how they should never have let down the people they care about. Well, first of all they obviously don't care about them as much as they'd like us to believe. Jim McGreevey paraded his whole god damn family up on stage along with his parents to tell everyone that his "truth" was that he was a "gay American." No governor, your truth is that you were a crooked politician and instead of going to jail for it, you got to play the victim because you like cock instead of vag. McGreevey's poor wife looked stoned out of her mind standing up there in "support" of her husband and the man's father had to stand on stage while his son came out. I can't believe he didn't just shoot himself in the head.

Then you have Elliot Spitzer who made a career condemning drugs and prostitution on his way from DA to governor. Spitzer is the special hypocrite brand of philanderer who, along with Larry Craig, enjoyed behind closed doors the thing that they both very publicly and adamantly decried as vile and the bane of society. Of course for Spitzer it was hookers and for David it was, quite more embarrassingly, rough gay sex. I hate hypocrites, which is ironic. (See what I did there?) If you are going to indulge certain private desires then maybe it might be best if you weren't at the forefront of the mob trying to string up those who participate in them. Just shut the fuck up about it. Vote against whatever you want but you don't have to go on an angry tirade when someone puts a microphone in your face. The scandal with Craig was not that he was gay; and not that he was trying to cheat on his wife, but that he was a raving conservative lunatic who would tell you in half a second exactly how immoral and depraved those homos are.

The newest member of the club is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Now, Sanford is just a moron. It looks like his wife probably knew he was having an affair and he flew to Argentina to see his mistress. Apparently she's attractive and successful, so at least he didn't squander a successful political career for a dog like Monica Lewinski. It's also a shame he wasn't around to do this 50 years ago when sleeping with attractive, successful women who weren't your wife was OK as long as you didn't rub anyone's face in it. (I'm looking at you JFK.) But the story! Come on man! You just up and disappear for seven days? You're the governor of a state dude! You can't just leave, not tell anyone you're doing so, and expect no one to notice. Then the wife comes out with the hiking the Appalachian Trail story? Ugh. How fucking stupid do you think people are? This made his apology of course all the more ridiculous. Crying and apologizing. Apparently everyone already knew you had someone on the side though so maybe you should have just strapped on a set and admitted that you and your wife have an open relationship. Of course by "open" I mean that you are allowed to fuck anything that moves and she gets to live the life of the spouse of a successful American politician.

Now, by most accounts, I am quite a huge ass hole. Like, capital "A" Ass Hole. But I've never cheated on my girlfriend. I've never hit her. I've never sent inappropriate text messages to young boys. And I've never really done anything to cause anyone other than myself the type of extreme embarrassment that these men have subjected their families to. And I'm not even on the public stage. I just do it because I'm not a moron and have certain things that I won't do because I think that they are wrong and would cause pain and embarrassment to the people in my life I care about. It's really not hard. You think before you act. You decide if what you are about to do (like taking a wide stance in a men's room stall, or sodomizing your intern with a cigar) could possibly come back to haunt you. If they answer is yes then zip up your effing pants and get the fuck out of the room.