Hypocritical Irony

hypocriticalirony.com

2011-01-21T08:47:00.000-05:00

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...

Well, actually you can. I really don't give a shit whether you continue to visit this particular site. It's your life, man. But Hypocritical Irony is getting all grown up with a real website, http://www.hypocriticalirony.com/. So Uncle Martyin is packing up his shit and moving in with some friends at said website. Please feel free to join us there for more ranting, more raving and more pointing out of the obvious and infuriating.

See you there!

And to this I say...

2010-12-03T11:40:00.000-05:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The terrible thing is that I'm joyous about the failure of an effort to raise money for AIDS babes... babies, I meant babies, it's just that I still hope Lady Gaga gets AIDS and dies. (Congratulations for my ability to use the word "babe" in reference to Lady Gaga. If you didn't like it then you go fuck yourself because I thought it was punny.)

And just because I love you and feel bad for writing shitty things while I'm bored, you get this...

But the real winner of today is...

2010-12-02T10:38:00.001-05:00

This goofy looking, Kermit the Frog sounding mother fucker. Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter. (And I mean that in the nicest possible way.)

Even though he keep questionable company:

Bad

Worse

Worser

Fucking worst ever.

He gets an A+ in my book. John Street (the douche before Nutter) didn't exactly set the bar high when it came to mayoral responsibility in Philadelphia. As a matter of fact, he set it so low that not even a slimy piece of shit like Charlie Rangel could have oozed under it. But holy hell has Nutter done the city proud as mayor. I've lauded Philly officials before and I suspect that I will do it again. But after the idiocy that was taking the "Christmas" out of the sign leading into the German Christmas Village at City Hall, Nutter channeled his inner Sam Jackson and said "Fuck that shit. You put the mother fucking Christmas back in the god damn mother fucking Christmas Village."

Ok, what he actually said was:

"We are an international, multi-ethnic, multi-faith city," Nutter said. "I took some time to step back from all of this to think about it in a larger context."

Boring. But he also said:

"The Christmas Village is not a religious service. It's an outdoor fair. It's a very commercial enterprise."

BOOM!! Capitalism bitches.

So who's the bad guy? Why, I'm glad you asked. It's City Manager Richard "Dick" Negrin. Ahem...

Negrin said that he never specifically asked for the word to be removed, but talked with Bauer about the complaints.

"He's a great guy who saw a problem, who was trying to help me," Negrin said

Oof. For a second there I forgot what a painfully Democrat ridden city Philadelphia is. But there's Negrin to remind me. Go ahead mother fucker. Blame that shit on someone else. Pass the buck. Take no accountability for being a douche, just dance your ass around the fact that you were an idiot.

"No, no, no. I wanted to keep Christmas in the name of the village. I just happened to mention to Bauer that, you know, some people complained. If he decided to take the sign down with zero influence from me then that was his prerogative." I imagine he said.

What a fucking jerkoff. But Nutter's still the shit.

Forgiveness is Divine

2010-12-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

In the interest of the holiday spirit I'd like to apologize to Kim Kardashian for my rant yesterday. Why?

Well, because she bent over and let her tits hang out. I'm tough, but fair.

Kardashian, Gaga and Seacrest. Your new moral authority America.

2010-12-01T13:55:00.000-05:00

I was about to flip my shit in an annual "Some Stupid Motherfuckers Made a Local Business Take Christmas out of the Name of an Event" type rant today because that shit really pisses me off. But as it turns out, if there's one thing that pisses me off more than the types of hypersensitive PC jerkoffs that make people turn their events and names into milqetoast iterations so as not to offend anyone, it's selfimportant celebrities who completely lack any semblance of self awareness and have no grasp on reality. Oh hey, guess what?

Charity is a great thing. Of course, the people who support the vast amount of charities are annoying fucking douchebags. (Donate to Penn State's Dance Marathon here, unless you hate kids with cancer.) But the idea behind charity is noble. Help out those less fortunate. It makes you feel good. Buuuut, here's the thing. Not sharing when you are wiping your ass on Twitter, to make other people donate money is astoundingly selfish and appalling.

Some of the celebs who have vowed to stay off of their Twitter and Facebook accounts until $1 million is raised for AIDS babies are Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, and Ryan Seacrest. Keep in mind that their net worths, thanks to exhaustive internet searching, are $12 million, $60 million and $75 million respectively. Now I can understand why Gaga and Seacrest would have a special place in their heart for AIDS research. (I'll give you a second... got it? Good.) But that big assed attention whore Kardashian should be whored out to the NBA and then that money can be donated to the AIDS babies. Don't tell me the Heat wouldn't pay to run a train.

Well if there's one thing AIDS awareness has taught us, it's that spiders love to go down.

How about the three of them all put together $333,333.33 a piece and then BANG a million bucks. I'll even throw in the left over penny. Keep in mind that Kim Kardashian will do anything to get herself in front of a camera in an effort to keep herself relevant way past what her shelf life should have been. And I do mean anything. Literally, anything.

I don't pretend to be a moral authority on anything. I'm generally a nice guy except for the excessive anger of stupid fucking shit... like celebrities and democrats, but I wouldn't presume to essentially hold people hostage until they gave money to something I cared about. Maybe one of Kardashians Twitter followers hates Lady Gaga and WANTS her to get AIDS. Then what are they supposed to do? I believe that's what is known as a catch-22.

And don't think I'm letting their dipshit followers who will undoubtedly pony up off the hook. They are just as bad for giving those three the inflated sense of self worth that allows them to take their multi-million dollar earnings from amateur porn, whatever the fuck it is that Gaga does, and the fucking Seacrest empire and put the onus of raising money for a charity on their follows who are statistically out of work at a rate of 1 in 10. And frankly probably even more because they presumably skew towards retard teenages who don't work anyway.

Anyway, stay tuned for the Christmas rant that I'm sure will be upcoming because it simmers in me every year for six weeks until I really and truly lose my shit.

Oh, is there an election coming up?

2010-10-22T14:58:00.000-04:00

Not that I've been writing a lot lately, but I have purposely shied away from tackling any election coverage. And believe me, there has been plenty to bitch about and make fun of. The problem, however, is that it is really fucking depressing to see what our electoral process has degraded to and the type of people who have thrown themselves in the mix.

I'm aware that it is a cliche, but it's very clear to me that the reason why our government is so fucked and incompetent is that the people in our country who could effectively manage government on both state and federal levels are smart enough not to get into the business in the first place. This is also not a new idea. Politics is a place for narcissists and selfish, self-important douchebags. Somewhere along the line principle and integrity were usurped by the ever present cut-throat nature of politics and it into a game. A game where it was all about winning and getting yours than actually, you know, trying to help people. Now, I have no problem with the competitive nature of politics. Of course you want to "win." Unfortunately when you sacrifice your principles and integrity for said win you become little more than a mercenary.

The ideas of politics and democracy are fantastic to me. It used to be fun to follow and watch and debate. Who knows? Maybe I've just become jaded but when you follow an election cycle and neither side of the debate is even remotely appealing to you and the only thing that runs through your mind is "You're both embarrassingly and shamelessly full of shit" then you know there's either something wrong with you, or there's something wrong with those involved in the system.

Of course come election day I'll be at the polls. And I'll pull the red lever. But I'll do it based purely on ideology and, as ridiculous as it sounds, a sense of civic duty. I happen to align more with Republicans than Democrats and while I have no data to back up this next assertion, I'm going to go ahead and assume that the blights on our society who feed the bleeding hearts of the left are the ones who by and large don't vote. I'm so sick of it. I'll vote. I'll vote for Republicans because I support small government and strong defense. Because most of them these days are becoming more moderate when it comes to irrelevant social issues that serve no purpose but to create talking points and cause divides.

Damn. Now I'm even more depressed than before.

Oh, and by the way, Christine O'Donell is going to be a Senator. Mark my words. That fucking whack job has been simply talked down to by her Democratic opponent and as far as I can tell not been taken seriously. And the crazy ideologues who people don't take seriously are the most dangerous ones. It's a good thing I don't live in Deleware because that loopy bitch would have caused me to do what I used to have to do when Arlen Specter ran, which is to say not vote along straight party lines but instead have to go one by one so that I could just vost against Specter. That entitled piece of shit.

Watch the clip. Then we'll discuss...

2010-10-14T18:02:00.000-04:00

Of course by "discuss" I mean I'll rant and rave about how ABC employs intollerant c... ahem, just a second.

There is really only one word in the English language that I happen to find offensive. That word is cunt. I'm not sure why I find it offensive. I absolutely love offensive words and it's ironic that I would, you know, take offense to one of them. I mean, I'm not personally offended by it because I don't have one, but there's just something about the word that makes me go "oof." Probably because I know that regardless of the company I am in, if someone drops the c-bomb, someone is gonna get hit.

That being said, what I meant to type to start this post was that I'd like to rant and rave about how ABC employs intollerant fucking cunts to spit their bull shit all over the airwaves every Monday through Friday.

We'll not talk about Hasselbeck. We'll not talk about Walters. And we'll not talk about the fat one because I have no idea who she is.

Let's instead talk about Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg, heretofor known as the "Contrarian Cunty Commission" or 3C.

I very much enjoy polite discourse. It's an intelligent past-time that intelligent people can engage in. I also don't mind when people disagree with me as long as they can give me a rational explanation of why. I may not always agree with you, but I won't (usually) judge you for disagreeing with me or being "wrong." (Pardon the redundancy.) What I cannot tolerate, however, is when someone ends an argument by running away because they are unable to articulate their point.

Oh hey, did you watch the clip? Now, O'Reilly is great at baiting people into fights; and it's awesome to watch him make someone else flustered while he maintains his cool. But holy shit did Behar and Goldberg grab that proverbial hook and swallow the shit out of it.

And that is what makes them contrarian pieces of shit. As is typical of liberal Americans, they decided that what they needed to do was try and shout down the person they disagreed with instead of offereing any type of intelligent argument. They spewed vitriol at O'Reilly as he attempted to make a point using an issue that just about everyone would be familiar with. The arguments they made had no place in the "discussion," for lack of a better word, and when their illegitimate dispute fell on mostly deaf ears they ran away.

They were cowards and instead of realizing that they were wrong they screamed and yelled. They made a scene. Then they stomped their feet and ran away. Fuck them.

This is so late it's pathetic

2010-09-25T12:53:00.000-04:00

Conservatively speaking I get frustrated and/or angry about 75% of the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I dislike and/or hate an even higher percentage of people and groups that I encounter. That, not surprisingly, is why I'll probably have a heart attack before I'm 40. (The booze and 3 cheesesteaks for lunch a week probably have something to do with that too.)

I've once again encountered a situation where I found two people that individually I would have a problem with but who are now in conflict with eachother. (horrible grammar is fun!!!) So who do I support? The hypocrite, or the hippie. Ugh.

Despite the name of this blog I despise hypocrites. Because of that I'm labled an "ass hole" because I tend not to sugar coat what I have to say. I'm pretty sure that everyone I know is aware of exactly how I feel about basically everything. For example:

my sister: A few of my friends have gotten engaged and have scheduled weddings around the same time you are thinking about. Do you have a date or place?

me: No. And I said from the beginning that as long as fiancee, her daughter, her mom, and mom and dad are there I don't really give a shit if you're there or not.

my sister: I know. Ok.

(In fairness I prefaced not giving a shit with telling her not to base her plans around mine because I hadn't made them yet. Then I told her I didn't give a shit if she was there.)

So I really don't try and pull punches. It's exhausting, really. If we all just said what we really meant the world would probably be a much more relaxing place to live in. More imprtantly, if people didn't get bent the fuck out of shape when you said what you think, then the world be even better than that.

So back to two shitty groups of people I don't like. First you have another douchebag who wants to burn a Quran. Second you have a shirtless hippie with a rat-tail.

There's a reason why Mexicans will risk death to get here so they can pick fruit and do other shit that, let's be honest, we don't want to do. And there's a reason why Canadians stare South, longingly wishing that they didn't have to live in the same country as people who speak French. Incidentally, I literally mean South. If they look East and see Maine and New Hampshire and decide they want to live THERE, then I don't want them to live HERE. And do you know what? There's a reason why I get to write a mean and sarcastic (while at the same time brilliant... I'm modest you see) blog. It's because our country has some pretty great laws regarding people getting to speak their mind.

But holy fucking shit do people take that out of control. Sure, legally I suppose you're allowed to burn the Quran if you want. But when you do that, you turn into a hypocritical piece of shit. As a country, we're supposed to be tolerant of other people. I mean I don't like all of the people who are wrong or don't agree with me (sorry for the redundancy) out there but I would never tell them that they are not ALLOWED to be wrong.

Long story short. This hippie is my hero. Good for him for telling the hypocrite to go fuck himself. I also, just wanted to post this video.

I apologize for how disjointed and generally shitty this post was. I've been trying to piece it together when I've had free time for like two weeks. And I'm bored with it and I have so many different opinions about this that my laziness prohibits me from writing the 5000 word post that this topic deserves.

Voltaire said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Well, in that vein, all I have to say is that if you want to perpetuate hatred against a particular group of people because you failed to educate yourself on the subject then good for you. Have fun. Bu know that you're on your way to becoming what you hate. And go fuck yourself.

The end.

She's not that hot god damn it

2010-09-16T22:05:00.000-04:00

Slow days at the office offer lots of time to fuck around on the internet and ponder random shit. Fortunately for me, the interenet is chock full of two things that I hold near and dear to my heart: sports and tits and I never have a shortage of stupid shit rattling around in my brain to obsess about. So today as I read about my sports and looked at tits I got both slammed together in the form of Ines Sainz and her harrowing journey though the world of sports journalism. More specifically the world of sports journalism as it is experienced by eye candy who randomly shows up at events to show off her hot little ass in a perpetual publicity stunt disguised as a "career." Well apparently she showed up at a Jet's practice and the team of 20-something men went and acted like 20-something men when she showed up in her typical work uniform. Oh, that uniform looks something like this:

Alright. The last four or five days have been rife with idiots on both sides of the following argument: Is her attire, coupled with her presence on the sidelines and in locker rooms appropriate. For the record the stances are angry man haters (women) blasting the shit out of anyone who answers the question in the affirmative as neanderthals who are scum for implying that she was basically asking for it. (They weren't, mostly.) And then the flip side of course are the retards saying that hot chicks should cover up their shit if they are going to be in a locker room or on the sidelines. I won't be going more in depth because the answer to that question does not interest me.

Remember how I said I spent the day pondering random shit. Well guess what? I spent a lot of today and some of the last few days wondering what the fuck the big deal is. I heard people on the radio and on TV and online calling her things like the most beautiful woman they had ever seen and physical perfection. Wait, what?

Do you see that face? Holy hell she looks like she got hit in the face with a sock full of quarters. Now, when the rest of you looks like this:

then your face becomes pretty much irrelevant. My problem is the obsession with her as this piece of physical perfection when you have people like this floating around?

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, Sainz is really a good looking woman. What I've basically done is use her as a vehicle to tell people to stop trying to convince me that this monster is some kind of pinnacle of beauty just because she's got huge fun bags...

My god she's hideous. I love boobs. Absolutely love 'em. But holy hell, just because you're fat and have big tits that you like to flaunt does not make you hot. At all. And would someone get her a tan and a toothbrush? Thanks.

Did you miss me? You missed me.

2010-08-21T12:41:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a long time since I've written but between vacation and being a productive member of society I just didn't have the time. And I didn't feel like. Actually, it was mostly the latter. But without further ado, who's ready for some chauvinism!?!? I know I sure am.

One of my guilty pleasures is reading celebrity gossip. Not the US Weekly type of celebrity gossip mind you. More the mean spirited and sarcastic type that you would find at What Would Tyler Durden Do? or The Superficial. My homepage is also MSN.com. Why? Because I'm far too lazy to change it, that's why. But I will often click on some of the bull shit pieces that they have at the top of the page that are clearly geared towards women who are sitting at home, single, eating Bon Bons in their bathrobe. Aren't stereotypes fun? They sure are! But today I came across this gem: 10 Beauty Moves Guys Find Sexy.

I am not ashamed to admit that I will always and without fail click on shit like that. It's really hysterical. 20 Things To Drive Him Crazy In Bed. 15 Secrets He's Just Not Telling You. 101 Reasons Why It's OK To Let Yourself Go. Another Lame Attempt To Boost Your Non-existant Self Esteem. Allow me to offer a male perspective on those: Hummers. Your friends are annoying. It's not. And, Didn't I just tell you your ass doesn't look fat? But I digress.

This particular article focused on: "We asked, they spilled. Real guys dish about what they find sexiest in their mates. We bet some of their turn-ons surprise you!" Oh yeah? Well I just can't wait to see what kind of shocking and or inane and retarded bull shit these "real guys" "spilled."

1: When you bare it all.

Ok. The "turn-on" is that guys don't like it when their girlfriends or wives look like they spraypainted their face before they go out. That's not shocking or even remotely surprising. Not at all. One of the guys noted that he loves the way his girlfriend looks when she first wakes up. That is not so much an affirmation of how great she looks. My fiancee looks great when she wakes up too. But I really think it's more of a fascination that a human being can look good when they wake up. Are you a man? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror in the morning. We look like someone beat us with a tennis racket while we hung upside down all night. We are horrific to look at. They manage to not look like monsters so we are enthralled.

2: Your belly.

This is true. At least for me. I don't find stick thin women attractive. It doesnt look healthy and if I can't have sex with you without your hip bones puncturing me you can pound sand. But guess what else I don't find attractive. Chicks with giant guts who obviously have no regard for how they look. So how about this MSN Lifestyle? How about you not try and fill your readers heads with some bullshit that their man wants them to pack on the LBs. We don't. We just want you to enjoy a steak with us like a normal human being and not nibble on a carrot like an anorexic rabbit.

3: When you do that thing you do.

Sometimes little habits can be endearing. I will grant you that. But guess what? Sometimes shit is just annoying. Someone needs to give the guys in this section some balls to strap on. Once again we see the article trying to affirm to women that, "Hey, you can be an annoying cunt all you want! He'll think it's cute." No he won't. Not all the time. And he will leave you so you can annoy the fuck out of someone else.

4: When you toss the hair dryer.

This is a total opinion and deserves no place in this list. Some women look good with straight hair. Some look good with curly hair. And some look good with either. Don't try and feed me some bull shit that if your girl has a frizzy disaster on top of her head that she should just leave it that way. Christ. You comb your hair before you go out right? I fucking hope so. So how about you let her just do what looks good on her. Jackass.

5: Your eyelashes.

Ahem: "I love her eyes," says Trevor, 46. "Sometimes she looks at me under her lashes and it makes me want to head straight to the bedroom!" Ok, Trevor. Eyes I get. Awesome eyes are in fact a major turn on. But eyelashes? I don't even know if my fiancee has fucking eyelashes. Maybe once your boyfriend takes his dick out of your ass you will also stop noticing eyelashes like the rest of the hetero men in society.

6: Your legs.

Agreed. But once again, this is not shocking or surprising. Any woman out there who didn't realize men don't appreciate a nice pair of legs probably hasn't seen hers in a decade because of all the cats that have wrapped themselves around them. The only thing shocking about men noticing a woman's legs would be if he "noticed" that she didn't fucking have any.

7: Your style.

This one was accompanied by this picture:

"Time to break out the feathers, bright nail polish, and all those other trends you love, because, fashionable or not, nothing makes you sexier than you being you."

The fuck it is sweetheart. If my fiancee tried to go outside looking like some hipster freakshow I would tell her to go back upstairs and change her shit. And you know what? I would expect her to do the same thing to me if I came downstairs looking like an idiot. Do you know why I expect that? Because it's happened. And I didn't take offense, I just changed my fucking shirt because I didn't want to look like a douche. Just because you have an "original" sense of style doesn't mean you should share it with the world. You looking like a moron is not sexy. It's embarassing.

8:Your scent.

OK. Lets break this one down.

"I don't know how she does it, but she always smells delicious," says Brent, 29, of his girlfriend, Cate. "Even when she just gets out of the shower!"

Yeah dumbass. Of course she smells good right out of the shower. If she got out of the shower and smelled like she rubbed shit all over her I'd really hope you'd hand her a wash cloth and tell her to get the fuck back in.

"I love inhaling her right here," says Damien, 35, pointing to the area of his girlfriend Veronica's neck right under her ear, where she says she applies Burberry's The Beat Eau perfume every morning. "She smells amazing, all sexy and soft."

That's not her scent. That's Burberry's scent.

"Tyler, 26, says his girlfriend "asked for a bottle of Stellanude by Stella McCarthy for her birthday, and now I now knows why. She smells incredible in it. It's seriously like an aphrodisiac for me, all I can think about is her wearing nothing except that perfume."

Admittedly there are two ways to look at this particular item. Scent and scent. The way she smells wearing a certain perfume is the first way. And yes, it can be appealing if you like what she's wearing. Most women have that signature perfume that they always wear and smell is one of the most powerful senses we have. To this day I can smell a particular perfume that will remind me of an old girlfriend. Then I get creeped out and hope the future wife doesn't find out. (I hope she doesn't read this.)

But there is also her scent. The way she smells when she wakes up. The way she smells while you're laying on the couch on Saturday afternoon with eachother. Which one's sexier? Fuck if I know. As long as it smells good. I'm down.

9: When you ask for what you want.

That's not being sexy. That's being a decent member of society. Women just don't seem to understand how fucking infuriating some coy response to a question is. I know men and women are wired differently, but come the fuck on. How hard is it to process in your head: I want X. When someone asks me what I want I will say X, please. Whether it's sex, food, a movie or even a gift. Just tell me! This is probably the most useful, albeit out of place, item on this entire list.

10: Your job.

I really can't argue with the mentality of this one. I leave for work after my fiancee does. She looks super hot getting ready and putting on her work clothes. It's also attractive to know that she has a job that she's good at because she's very intelligent and capable and not an idiot. (I hope she reads this.)

And there you have it, my insight into the least informative article in the history of everything ever. You're welcome.

Please oh please let this be true. Please be true.

2010-08-04T13:02:00.000-04:00

I hate Brett Favre. This has been documented on HI before. (Here, and Here) In short, it's not that he is a drama queen about whether or not he is going to retire. Sure, that's annoying but the real issue is that it is so blatantly irresponsible and disrespectful to his teammates and the teams that he plays for that he does a disservice to everyone involved. And I do mean everyone, himself included.

Now, yesterday word came out that Favre informed the Vikings that he was going to retire because his busted ankle that he drug his feet having surgery on is still not 100%. Everyone made a dismissive wanking motion and basically said, "Whatever asshole. See you in a few weeks." And thus the Favre Saga v. 3.0 began. Naturally today Favre said that he had informed the Vikings of no such thing and that he intended to play as long as his ankle was fine. I know, I was just as shocked as you. Of course, that is to say that I was not shocked at all. But oh, what fantastic news I heard today. The kind of news that I won't mind reading about Brett Favre over the next few weeks. (Hopefully.) Apprently that backwater hick got bored while he was in New York playing for the Jets and decided to send cock pics to Jenn Sterger. You remember Jenn Sterger, right? (NSFW)

Yup. The (married) QB is about to turn even his supporters against him by not only being a prima donna, but now also a scum bag. Now, so far this has only been reported by Deadspin. But oh god I want it to be true, mostly because as this story picks up steam someone is going to look like just as big of an asshole as Favre. My money is on the media who slobbers all over the cock that he apparently sent picks of to Sterger. Now, look, I don't blame Favre for wanting to hit this. She's definitely hot, but you see, when you string the public along and people don't hate you because of the aw shucks persona that you manufactured, you can't be doing shit like sending pics of your junk to women you're not married to. Which brings me to my second point: dude's married.

So anyway, I can't wait to watch this story unfold. For once it's August and I'm actually looking forward to hearing about Brett Favre. Hopefully when this is all said and done he'll announce he's coming back to football to try and move the news to that angle so that once again he can not win the Super Bowl and hopefully make his "last" NFL pass an interception, which, incidentally would be the third time he's done so. In, conclusion, fuck you Favre, you're more of a two-faced piece of shit than I had originally thought.

Let's hear it for Chief Ramsey!

2010-07-29T17:58:00.000-04:00

Because of those god damned Quakers, Pennsylvania has ridiculously stringent blue laws. You can't buy beer and liquor in the same place; only select places can be open on Sunday; you're not allowed to drink and drive, etc. That last one I think is on the books in every state but it's still a ridiculous rule. Actually, it's not illegal in Montana, Mississippi and Indiana where you can drink while you drive, you just can't be drunk while you drive. But there is one thing that Pennsylvania is good at and that's a-killin' people who do bad shit. As one of the 34 states in the country that allows capital punishment, and because I live here, Pennsylvania gets a big thumbs up from me.

I'm (clearly) a proponent of the death penalty. As a matter of fact, I think that it should be used more liberally. For example: Do anything bad to a child? Fuck you. Your ass is going to Rockview (where PA’s death row is located.) See, if the death penalty is going to be a deterrent then you have to USE IT. Make it a capital offense to be a rude obnoxious piece of shit and guess what? You’ll see a drastic decrease in the number of people who run around being rude obnoxious pieces of shit. I’m sorry, but we really don’t need another season of Jersey Shore anyway.

Fortunately, there is one crime that will guaran-fucking-tee you a needle in the arm and that’s killing a cop. As murder goes, killing a cop rates up there with killing a baby on the tragedy scale. How dare someone take the life of another person, let alone the life of another person who has SWORN TO PROTECT YOU? Cops put their life on the line (I know that’s a clichéd phrase but it’s true so fuck you) every single day to protect the rest of us. Now, dirty cops are different of course. If you’re doing stupid shit and something bad happens to you then oh well. But to kill a cop is a heinous offense.

Just over two years ago a Philadelphia Sergeant was shot and killed in the line of duty. His murderer (Howard Cain) was later killed in a gunfight with police. Well guess what? Yesterday the other two guys with him (Eric Floyd and Levon Warner) just received the verdict for their charge of first degree murder from the jury. Guilty. And guess what else? Because Pennsylvania is one of those wonderful states that kills people who kill other people, the prosecution sought the death penalty and hope to Hell that they get it because those fuckers don’t even deserve lethal injection. We should go back to the way it was until around the early 90s when we just electrocuted the shit out of people until they died.

Well anyway, that was basically just about 500 words to preface this: Philly Police Chief Charles Ramsey is the absolute shit and a new hero of mine. Outside of the courthouse following the verdict a reporter asked the chief if he supported the death penalty. His response? “What do you think? I look forward to the day when those two gentlemen once again hook up with Howard Cain in hell.” That is fucking awesome and exactly what I want to hear from a police chief. “Hey chief! Should douchebag assholes that do reprehensible things have to pay for it with their life?” “Fuck and yes they should.”

Oh MTV don't you ever change

2010-07-24T12:25:00.000-04:00

Oh, hi there. I didn’t see you come in. I’m just catching up on my news for the day on this beautiful (albeit hot as shit) Saturday morning. I’m glad you’re here though, because I was just about to go on a psychotic rant about vapid retards and the television network that enables them. Thank god, because if the fiancée had to listen to this shit she’d probably leave me.

I was just reading a spread on MSN.com that talked about MTV and their top ten shows that “broke and set the mold.” They went on the describe MTV (who, to their credit are apparently trying to start playing music videos again. I know! I was shocked too.) as a “prime cultural influencer” over the last twenty years. And you know what? They have been. Of course Kim Jong Il has also been a “prime cultural influencer” in Korea for quite some time too.

That’s the thing about influence. Just because you have it doesn’t necessarily make what you can manipulate good, or the way you manipulate it right. Let’s break down the ten shows that basically redefined what a douchebag is.

The Hills

I am extremely proud to say that I have never seen an episode of The Hills. I have, however, been subjected to the self-entitled pseudo-celebrities that it has produced. You have Heidi Montag and her faggoty little douchebag of a husband Spencer Pratt as the ring leaders of these morons. To their credit though, it does take a serious amount of talent to make almost an entire country despise you without technically doing anything wrong. Then you have Lauren Conrad. She, apparently, is the “normal” one on the show I guess? I only know who she is because I’m a hypocrite and read the blogs that follow these blights to society’s actions. And then there’s Audrina Patridge. There’s only two reasons that I know who she is. Guess what they are? The rest of them? Don’t know. Don’t care. But what I do know is that legions of people actually followed that show before it went off the air and genuinely cared about the characters. I’m not sure what’s worse: being a person who only cares about themselves or caring about a person who only cares about themself.

The Real World
Now to be fair, TRW was a ground breaking television show 18 years ago. It was pretty much the genesis of reality TV and it actually did make for compelling television. They put strangers in a house with cameras and just filmed what happened. The characters were complex and issues that the show dealt with were timely and provocative. Now, of course, the show has degenerated into an orgy of binge drinking and STD swapping. It’s the same every season and apparently people can’t get enough of vapid twenty-somethings getting wasted and fucking eachother and/or fucking eachother over. Each season is just a collection of eight or so stereotypes. Stereotypes of people that make me rethink my stance on abortion, by the way.
The Osbournes
Really Ozzy? Ozzy Osbourne used to be the shit. His music was phenomenal. But as as it turns out, forty or so years of drug and alcohol abuse will turn you into a stuttering, mumbling retard. If I was in the kind of shape Ozzy is in I really don’t see myself letting people catalogue what a crazy train wreck (see what I did there?) I’d become. Especially not when the show would be a stage to showcase how badly my kids suck and how whiny and bitchy they are. If I ever have a son who’s as big of a bitch as Jack Osbourne, well, hopefully they’ll let me out of j ail to go to his funeral.

Laguna Beach
See The Hills

Cribs
I actually don’t have a problem with cribs. Of course that’s because it primarily featured people who actually worked (not deserved, worked) for their fame/fortune/huge ass fucking house.

Total Request Live
Oh man, I totally remember rushing home from school to watch this show. That Carson Daily was one cool dude. What with being 30 and thinking he was edgy with his black nail polish and the creepy way he’d hit on teenagers.

Jackass
So apparently latent homosexuality should be celebrated as a primary example of MTV’s cultural influence? If Jackass was going to influence the people who watched it, the disclaimer in the beginning should have said TRY THIS AT HOME YOU FUCKING OXYGEN THIEF!

Newlyweds
They say it is better to remain silent and let others think you are a retard than to open your mouth and remove all doubt… or something like that. For several years Jessica Simpson was just fun to look at. She was thin, blonde, had huge tits and, well, that’s all she needed. Then MTV had to put her in front of a camera and I have never felt worse for a dude married to a hot chick than I did for Nick Lachey. I mean, he’s since upgraded but can you imagine having to live, let alone be married, to someone who actually kills your brain cells when they speak? This show proved what Ron White would later make the title of one of his comedy albums: You can’t fix stupid. As he says, stupid is forever.

The Jersey Shore
They are getting paid $720,000 apiece for the third season. Seven. Hundred. Thousand. DOLLARS. To get drunk and spread their VD around whatever city will let them invade it. Tragically, this show is actually of cultural relevance. People are intrigued by this show and the vapid nature of its “stars.” Even people who really hate it watch it. And guiltily enjoy it. Myself Included.

So there you have it. The “prime cultural influence” that MTV provides can be boiled down to people you hate, or should hate. Because if you don’t, I hate you.

Layin on the hypocrisy pretty thick today... enjoy

2010-07-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

Today is a shitty day and I’ve had to deal with some seriously retarded individuals with a handful of certifiable assholes thrown in so it was the wrong day for me to hear the latest radio ad for “The Kids Are Alright,” the latest movie from Julianne Moore and Annette Benning. The basic premise of the movie is: two lesbians who are in a relationship each have a kid via artificial insemination from the same dude; the kids grow up and want to meet their dad; the dad comes into their life and they all live happily ever after… or whatever. Now I’m not one for romantic comedies. And I’m especially not one for romantic comedies about lesbians who are as old and busted as Benning and Moore. Well here’s the thing: one of the reviews that the ad quoted said that the movie was “a near perfect representation of the modern family.”

What. The. Fuck.

Now, call me unreasonable but in what fucking world is this critic living in where the current modern family consists of two lesbos who cum-basted themselves with a stranger’s man-juice only to have said man become part of the family once the kids are grown. In the television show “Modern Family” I can buy “modern” as the mom, dad and kids with the grandfather marrying a hot young Columbian chick with a kid while also coming to grips with his gay son and son-in-law. That, I suppose, could be considered as a “modern” representation of American family. With the taboos of decades past like inter-racial marriage and homosexuality becoming more mainstream, the family dynamic is naturally changing in America. But not like in this movie.

I’m really not as intolerant as you would think. I just happen to find offensive things hysterical. But the thing is I despise people who want to exhibit some kind of pseudo-enlightenment by maintaining the ludicrous idea that a lesbian couple with two kids via artificial insemination is some kind of template for families in America. I mean, I’m a 28-year-old white guy who is marrying an Asian chick with a 15-year-old. If you put both of our families and friends together in the same place it would be like a freaking sitcom. (I cannot wait for my wedding.) But I wouldn’t presume to try and explain to someone that my family dynamic is representative of the majority of families in America.

It's just so confusing. Like, now the "norm" has to be abnormal because god forbid you'd offend someone. How about a movie about a married couple with a few kids who all love each other as the “perfect representation of a modern family?” No fucking way, dude. Because you just know some gay, Puerto Rican, tranny who wants to marry its dog would be offended by the implication that they are not being portrayed as the representative demographic of American families.

As a white male in America I’m pretty sure I’m not technically allowed to be offended by anything, nor am I allowed to say derogatory things about anyone, but that comment is not about offending me or my (clearly not delicate) sensibilities. It’s about the politically correct arena that we have to conduct our lives in these days. Some people are different. They have different beliefs, appearances, abilities, sexual preferences and styles. I’m not here to preach that we all hold hands and get along either. I saw a fucktard who was about 200lbs overweight at Steak and Hoagie Factory yesterday with a spike coming out of his chin, a metal studded jean vest (yeah, a fucking jean vest), skinny jeans and the most fucked up looking haircut I’ve ever seen. I didn’t say anything to him as he slobbered all over his girlfriend and if he wants to go out in public looking like a walking case for abortion then that’s his prerogative. But don’t try and fucking tell me that he is representative of a demographic that commands any portion of our population other than douchebag punks who shouldn’t be eating a cheesesteak anyway.

You know what USC admins? Blow me.

2010-07-21T16:13:00.000-04:00

Elite collegiate athletic programs are a waterfall of revenue for American universities. We are talking about annual profits reaching as high as $59 million for the Texas Longhorns football program in 2009. Unfortunately we also live in a country where people have such a hard-on for hypocrisy and feigned honor and dignity and the pseudo-innocence of sport that the kids who are responsible for generating that revenue aren’t allowed to see any of it.

You can make the argument for and against NCAA regulations in regards to compensation of its athletes in a compelling and convincing manner no matter which side of the line you happen to fall on. Personally, I say pay the fuckers. Now, the reason I say pay them is because I went to Penn State and I fucking despise Graham Spanier and it would give me joy to no end to see him have to shell out money to the athletes that he views merely as pawns in his grand financial scheme for the university.

Oh, but what about recruiting? Wouldn’t the allure of money pervert the recruiting process? Oh, you mean the recruiting process where 17-year-old kids are shuffled onto campus and treated like demigods? Or the one where there are so many loopholes that a creative alumnus could easily exploit them in hopes of wooing the next super star to his alma mater? Please.

The posturing surrounding recruiting rules and what student athletes are allowed to take or receive from others reeks of hypocrisy. And the penalties are some of the most ridiculous I’ve ever seen. The recent sanctions against USC are an ideal example. I hate sticking up for USC because Pete Carrol is a fucking tool and a half and that piece of shit bailed ship right before the shit hit the fan. Vacated wins? Bull shit. Bowl ineligible? Bull shit. Reduced scholarships? Bull shit. Their sanctions amount to people who were not responsible for the infractions being punished the most. But the worst show of pretentiousness came today when new USC president C.L Max Nikias (based solely on his name go ahead and tell me he’s not a pretentious jerk-off) and the new athletic director Pat Haden made the bold proclamation that they will be, gasp!, returning Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy because of his part in the infractions that tainted USC’s “good” name. And I use good in quotes because everyone knew they were basically running pro teams under an NCAA banner anyway.

Seriously though, how retarded is that? It’s really just a grand gesture to show the world that they are serious about the penalties. Except that no, it’s not. They are appealing the penalties and I’m assuming this grandiose circle jerk among the administration is supposed to show that the sanctions should be lessened. I have no love lost for USC. As most sports fans would be, I am envious of their success. But even I think it’s fucking retarded to penalize them for doing the shit that I’m sure most other teams do but just don’t get caught. Either way, it's ludicrous for these two USC administrators to make a useless jesture in a shameless ploy to salvage what they can from what will be two horrific seasons of Trojan football.

Twitter

2010-07-17T18:35:00.000-04:00

Ready for some Hypocritical Irony?

Part of the Hypocritical Irony banner states: "I go on psychotic rants about random shit on a regular basis. A lot of times these rants revolve around selfish people who think that they are way more important than they actually are. Naturally I decided to post these rants in a blog for everyone to see because I think that I am way more important than I actually am."

Twitter is a perfect example of dumbasses thinking everyone should know every little thought that pops into their head. Hey, guess what!?!?!

Yeah, I made a Twitter page for Hypocritical Irony. I thought about doing it a long time ago but decided that because HypocriticalIrony was too long for their name criteria it was a sign not to have one. Then about four months ago I got bored and found out that UncleMartyin was short enough. I created a Twat and have made almost 11 twitters in the last 4 monthts.

A few days ago a friend of mine told me that he had noticed a two week absence of my madness on HI and I explained that I had been busy and that I had no interest in writing about the current things that pissed me off (LeBron and Lohan.) He suggested Twitter, I said that was retarded, and now here I am.

I don't know how to actually work Twitter so instructions would be nice. You can send them to @UncleMartyin or Hypocritical.Irony@gmail.com. I'm also pretty sure a little bit of my self respect and dignity died right there.

Now my PS3 started working again and if I don't stop now I'm going to miss the hot blonde getting bitten in the tit by a snake. What are you talking about you say? Check my latest tweet.

P.S. I'm sick and fucking tired of these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!!

Hey! You in the sunglasses!

2010-07-17T10:23:00.000-04:00

Fuck. You.

I admit that when I was in college I was one of those douchebags who wore sunglasses at night. In fairness, it was because when you are inappropriately intoxicated at 8pm and your eyes are rolling around like it's last call you should probably not let people realize that you started happy hour a half hour after lunch. And really, in retrospect, I did a whole lot of douchebag shit in college. Seriously, ask anyone who was there. Even my best friends will confirm that fact.

The thing is, though, that while I can be a real asshole sometimes (read: a lot) you would probably also be hard pressed to find someone who would tell you that I am not polite. I make it a point to say please and thank you. I have a good handshake. I'll look you in the eye when I'm talking to you and I'll wait until everyone at the table has their food before I start to eat. If you saw my gut you would understand that that last one is more impressive than it sounds.

Another thing I won't ever, ever, fucking ever do is wear sunglasses when I'm talking to you or talk on my cell phone when I come up to a register or counter and another human being is standing on the other side. Which brings me to yesterday. King Jerkoff walked into work with mirrored aviators on and a Bluetooth jammed into his ear. He walked up to me, held up his finger telling me to wait a second while he continued to yammer on and on, all the while keeping his glasses on.

After I quelled the urge to grab him by the Bluetooth and smash his face into the counter for being such a fucking douchebag he finished up his conversation and finally gave me the pleasure of helping him. But he left his fucking sunglasses on. I couldn't see his eyes. We were in-fucking-side and this piece of shit just felt like it was necessary to leave on his aviators (which make him a douche in their own right) and start a conversation with "here's what I want you to do."

Why do I have such a misanthropic worldview? Why do I write a blog that is typically full of hate and vitriol? Well, in a nutshell it's because I have to deal with different variations of this fuckstick on a daily basis. You know how they say it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile? Well, yes, people who say that should be covered in honey and tossed on an ant hill, however, it's similar to how I feel about manners. It's not fucking hard to be polite. And being in a sales/service field I can guaran-fucking-tee you that when you are in impolite dickfor I will not deny you quality work, but I will most certainly not be bending over backwards for you.

Say please. Say thank you. Hold the door open for people. Wave when someone lets you merge on the highway. And for the love of fucking god take off your fucking sunglasses when you walk inside and start talking to someone.

"You should just smile and blow me!"

2010-07-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

Back in February I wrote about an Olympic snowboarder and his fascination with unicorns shitting rainbows, or something. Well a couple of dumbasses took offense, albeit illiterally, because they didn't have a sense of humor. I proceeded to write a post to address those douchebags and school them on the nuances of sarcasm, hypocrisy and irony; as well as definitions of words in the English language. Fucking "half" instead of "have." Ugh. Anyway, how about instead of stroking out while reading this (if you happen to be the hyper-sensitive type) you remember that, as I said, "if not for hyperbole, snap judgements and sarcasm, Hypocritical Irony would not exist." Or you can just click off the page. But to quote the great Col. Jessup from A Few Good Men, "Either way, I don't give a damn."

So have you heard the one about Mel Gibson? No, not the Holocaust denials. No, not the sugar tits remark at a DUI stop. Nope, not the assertion that jews cause all the wars in the world either. I'm talking about the good stuff. The “I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first” stuff. Yeeeeahhh. THAT stuff.

Now how about we just go ahead and break down all the stuff that Riggs allegedly said. (And for the record. Everything going forward has "allegedly" implied because I am far too lazy to repeatedly type that out. Moving on...)

“You’re an embarrassment to me.” “You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n----ers, it will be your fault.”

Have you ever had to go out with a woman who looked like trash and or shit? That wasn't rhetorical by the way. I seriously don't know what that's like. Only the classy ladies for me! But I'd have to imagine that it would be embarassing to be seen with a woman who looks like bacon looking for love. And really I think he's just making his point that he's concerned for her and cares about her safety in regards to the gang rape. And the N-bomb. Well, um, maybe he meant it in the "a person of any race or origin regarded as contemptible, inferior, ignorant" kind of way. I'm thinking the only thing worse than getting gang raped would be getting gang raped by people you feel superior to or who are stupid.

“How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice.” “I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.”

Maybe she really likes giving blow jobs. Some chicks really enjoy it. At least they do as far as I can tell from about a million different sites on the internet. So in that respect, if he was nice enough to offer his junk for her to tongue bathe and she was being a bitch about it I see no problem in him becoming frustrated and threatening arson. And STILL let her blow him. That William Wallace. What a guy.

“You know what? You f**cking deserved it.”

He probably just gave her a nice gift. Like roses or something. Speaking of roses...

“I’ll put you in a f uckin rose garden you cunt! You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?”

Obviously he knows how much she loves roses and therefore wants to simply surround his girlfriend and baby-mamma with the roses that she loves. And of course he's capable of that. He's got like a billion dollars. As for the name calling. In some cultures that's actually a term of endearment.* Like in Australia.* Which just so happens to be where The Road Warrior is from.
*That is 100% false. It's those commies in China who use it as a term of endearment.

“I should’ve woken you up and said fucking blow me bitch! I should’ve fuckin’ woken you up and said blow me! You would’ve liked that better, yeah? But you need the goddamn sleep!”

Allowing someone to sleep is a very noble thing. I HATE to be woken up. I could sleep for a month straight and if someone accidentally woke me up I would still be pissed the fuck off. He was feeling all mouth-rapey but decided to take the high road and let the woman sleep.

“So don’t call me mean when I’m nice to you. Because I’d like to show you what mean really is. Bitch, cunt, whore, gold digger! All true! You fucking proved it to me! If you’re ever interested in proving otherwise, let me know. If you don’t care, I know you know what you are too.”

Hmmm, this is harder than I thought.

“Look at yourself. And look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve fucking done! Look at your son. He’s a fucking mess. You fucking excuse for a mother. You’re a fucking bitch!”

Yeah, I think it's time for old Uncle Martyin to check out. Just don't tell Mel I was making light of this. Please! I'm scared! Hellllp!!!!

Happy Birthday America!!

2010-07-03T12:19:00.000-04:00

Typically I would try and post this tomorrow, but I will be ~~drunk~~ celebrating America's birthday at the shore with my family and friends. So today you get a YouTube bukkake of patriotic videos. We've got Rocky, Springsteen, Lee Greenwood, profanity and the U.S. military academies singing the National Anthem.

Incidentally, if you don't get the chills when you hear The Star Spangled Banner you can go right ahead and fuck yourself. I am a misanthropic asshole about 75% of my life and frankly, I think that having to deal with the public on a daily basis gives me that right. But there are certain times I can stop hating the majority of the people that I encounter and just be in a generally good mood. Christmas is one of those times and the 4th of July is another.

We live in a country that more often than not is subject to a harsh ideological divide. Now, I'm always right, so it's more frustrating for people like me to deal with, but there should be times when we can all put our politics aside and just look around. It's ironic that we live in a country that is crumbling in on itself economically, that is embroiled in two decade long wars and has a federal government with it's head so far up it's ass that it can lick its tonsils, but is still the envy of virtually the entire globe. We have something special here and it's days like tomorrow that you really need to stop and recognize that.

Then on Monday you can go back to bemoaning the idiocy of liberals, hippies and Yankees fans.

Now, to the videos.

And last, but certainly not least...

Now go the fuck outside, it's god damned gorgeous out.

USA!? USA!? USA!?

2010-06-23T13:41:00.000-04:00

America. Fuck Yeah!!

My ~~crippling xenophobia~~ unbridled patriotism coupled with my love of sports makes international competitions one of my favorite things to watch. The Olympics will glue me to my couch for two weeks at at time, every two years. I've watched international wrestling competitions, figure skating competitions along with baseball, gymnastics and skiing competitions and I guess you can count golf too. Holy fuck, I've even watched non-olympic curling championships. Why do I watch these? Because America is the shit and I want to cheer on my fellow Americans in their pursuits of excellence.

Except in soccer. I hate soccer. I do not care one tiny bit about the World Cup. And do you know what? I kind of feel bad about that. There has been nothing to get me to watch soccer during this tournament other than, ironically, the thing people hate the most about it. I turned on one of the USMNT's games, the one against England I believe, to see what the big deal was about the vuvuvelas. (Which was when I realized that yes, yes there was something in this world that could make me hate watching soccer more.) And wow, whoever thought up those fucking things should be raped with a burning pitch fork.

But I digress. I know I should be following the games. I should be cheering on the USMNT simply because they are the American team. They are out there competing in the name of all that is good and right and coated with a thick layer of oil. (Oh, too soon?) But I just can't bring myself to do it. I clicked onto Facebook today and approximately 15 different friends had some itteration of (an obnoxiously protracted) GOOOAAALLL!!!! And I thought, "hm, I guess the US won their game." And then I went back to work.

Why though? Why do I hate soccer? Well, I'm glad you asked. It all goes back to 1999. July 10, 1999 specifically. Prior to 1999 I was merely disinterested in soccer. I just didn't see the appeal, but it wasn't a sport that I actively and aggressively disliked.

That summer I was 17 years old and my parents were having a party at their house for who cares. I was 17 and it was the summer time. Well that particular day the US women were playing China in the World Cup finals. After 90+ minutes (why 90 PLUS minutes? Well that's because they are fucking retarded and don't stop the clock for stoppage in play they add an arbitrary count at the end of the original 90 minutes so no one has any idea how much fucking time is left in the contest.) the score was tied 0-0. Everyone in the house who was watching raved on and on about what a great game it had been up to that point. At this point I almost lost my shit. NOTHING HAPPENED FOR 90 MINUTES!!! NOT ONE G-D THING!!! WHAT WAS SO FUCKING ENTERTAINING!?!?!?! And that's when I started to actively hate soccer. It was unfathomable to me that people are entertained by people running in circles on a field so big that they look like ants from a reasonable vantage point. Not even a US victory over those commie scumbag Chinese could persuade to join the billions of soccer fans around the world.

As a baseball fan you would think I would be sympathetic to fans of a game where for a long time it would appear that nothing happened if you did not understand the nuances of the game. You, I'm afraid, would be wrong. Why? Because baseball is strictly and originally American baby! Like apple pie and democracy!!

For further reading on why soccer sucks, may I suggest a brief essay by Chuck Klosterman.

I'm so excited! I'm so... scared.

2010-06-09T12:24:00.000-04:00

In 1983 I was 1 and the world had officially been a better place for a year. It was about to get better though, because on January 23 The A-Team premiered.

The A-Team is quite possibly my favorite TV show of all time and it would stand to reason that I would be ecstatic that on Friday, Universal is bringing The A-Team to the big screen. I'm not though. I have this sense of dread that one of my favorite things from childhood is about to be crumpled up like so much paper, set on fire, then put out with piss.

I'll see it, of course, but I won't like it. And I'll bitch about it endlessly until my fiancee tells me to shut the fuck up before she shoots me.

The problem, is that The A-Team won't translate to the big screen in 2010. In 1989, sure. Early to mid 90s, maybe. But in the era of Michael Bay explosion-gasms that pass for action movies these days I'm afraid that Hannibal and the guys are going to be The A-Team in name only. Kind of the way George Lucas raped the Indiana Jones franchise that I also adored as a kid (and still do) with his alien ships and nuked refridgerators.

Sure there are executives that will explain that the movie (and it's a movie, not a film you pretentious fuck) is more of a reimagining of the mercenary troupe than it is a faithful adaptation of the show. But then that's not really The A-Team, is it?

George Peppard's Hannibal was an ingenious character. I'm pretty sure he was a sociopath and a narcissist, but he was such a fun loving and admirable sociopathic narcissist. Sort of like Dr. House or Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Sure he helped people, but I'm pretty sure he was in it as more of a recurring fuck you to his nemesis Colonel Decker. Liam Neeson's Hannibal will no doubt be a super-serious imagining of the character without the knowing smirk that always preceeded, "I love it when a plan comes together." Oh I'm sure they'll say the line, but it just won't be the same.

Mr. T's BA doesn't like to fly but in comically ridiculous ways is routinely sedated and loaded onto an aircraft only to wake up to Murdoch, his comic foil. Murdoch was like the little brother flicking BA in the back of the ear. And like a big brother/little brother relationship, he took it but bitched about it to no end and occasionally scared Murdoch enough to get him to stop. Temporarily of course. Let's see Rampage Jackson and Sharlto Copely (who?) pull that dynamic off in an environment full of un-ironic explosions so extreme that you'll have to wear shades.

This brings us to Face. Dirk Benedict played the smooth talking confidence man, but he played it in a way that his sleeziness, like Hannibal's psychosis, was almost endearing. He was able to sexually harass and hit on women every epsidode without coming off as a complete scum bag. I will give you a thousand dollars is Bradley Cooper's character isn't just a shallow jerk-off letting you know, "Derrr, I fuck lots of chicks."

And let's not forget the general attitude of the show. No one ever got hurt. Hundreds of rounds would be fired and dozens of vehicles would explode in each episode but no one was worse for wear. Everything was done tongue in cheek. I saw a preview for the movie the other day and they had someone rappelling down the side of the building to crash through a window. That shit didn't happen in The A-Team. Don't get me wrong, I like explosions and action just as much as the next guy. Probably more. Believe me, I love to turn my brain off and just watch shiny things blow up on my TV. But I would prefer to remember the A-Team the way it was: a campy, pseudo-action show from the 80s that I can still pop in and watch the DVDs of when I feel like it. Not as some orgy of forced lines that won't be as good as the originals because they'll be shoe-horned in between obnoxious explosions and action sequences.

As I said before, I'll watch it, but I probably won't like it. And I wouldn't be being true to myself if I didn't make up my mind beforehand based on pure speculation and not a thread of proof. Hopefully I'll be wrong, I just don't think I will be.

D-bag vs. D-bag

2010-06-04T14:12:00.000-04:00

I like the word douchebag for many different reasons, not the least of which is the variety of ways that it can be employed. Additionally, I love that while the usage is multifaceted, if you call someone a douchebag everyone will automatically know in what context you meant it. In order to make my point, a quick quiz:

Which of the following three men are douchebags?

The answer, of course, is ALL of them. One's a terrorist, one's an obnoxious tool, and one is an arrogant piece of shit; however, they are all douchebags.

And this brings me to my next point. There are so many different types of douches in the world that it can often be difficult to determine, given the choice, which particular douchebag is actually the bigger bag of douche. Allow me to offer two examples.

On one hand you have your Bros Icing Bros variety of douchebag. These douchebags are the type who actually do call eachother bro. The type who will wear seersucker shorts, a pink popped collar and a pair of deck shoes accompanied by a pair of aviators. You know, the type who would come up with a theoretically great game of randomly making a friend chug an alcoholic beverage, and then fucking it up by making that beverage a god damn Smirnoff Ice. There only one type of Smirnoff that I like to chug and it comes in larger glass bottles and goes well with ice and lime. Which brings me to...

The idiot type of douchebag.

Now don't get me wrong. I love vodka. It is by far my favorite spirit. You can mix it with anything or drink it straight. Shit, you can put milk in the damn glass with it and it'll still taste good. I've had vodka so many different ways that I can't remember. Which, of course, is indicitive of a bigger problem. But never EVER in my life did it every occur to me to pour it into my eye. I have heard stories about Metallica using needles to inject liquor right into their veins, and I thought, "Eh, not for me. But whatever." I've seen people light shit on fire before drinking it which didn't make sense to me but again, to each his own. There are people who snort liquor to get drunk which just seems like it would hurt. But when I hear about pouring it into your eyes the first thought that goes through my head is: You are a retarded fucking douchebag. How fucking retarded do you have to be in order to sit around and think, "Hey, I'm going to take this liqour that hurts my throat when I drink it and just go ahead and pour it into my fucking EYE." I will scream like a little girl if I get even the slightest amount of soap or shampoo in my eyes. Got forbid if alcohol came near it. I'd probably die.

See? It's hard. On one hand you have obnoxious idiots who will annoy you with their faggy little game. On the other hand you have, well, obnoxious idiots who will annoy you with their faggy little game. Except the latter will end up needing you to drive them to the hospital. Winner of the bigger d-bag award of the day? Vodka Eyeballers!!

In a close second though, quasi-anonymous douchebags who write blogs making fun of other douchebags.

And here I thought he didn't have his priorities in order

2010-06-04T11:53:00.001-04:00

The best news articles that you read are the ones that are short, sweet and to the point. And ones that are very easy to ridicule when you decide to read between the lines and make up your own asides.

This is one of those articles.

The president is on the record again about LeBron James -- and this time, the people of Cleveland may be happier about it.

Oh thank god. It had been a while since the Prez weighed in on the fate of LeBron and I was starting to get worried. And here I was concerned he might have had something more important on his mind.

President Barack Obama told CNN on Thursday that it would be a terrific story if the basketball superstar stayed with the Cleveland Cavaliers instead of switching teams as a free agent.

That is so very, very true. Switching teams because you think it may benefit you professionally and/or financially will seriously fuck you in the end.

Said Obama: "That's a town that has had some tough times." The president said it would be a wonderful statement to Cleveland if James said: "I'm going to make a commitment to this city."

It would be almost as awesome as if the president commited to resolving the spill in the Gulf. "I'm not gonna rest or be satisfied until the leak is stopped." (You can skip to the 4:40 mark.)

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The president stuck to his point that James needs to find a winning situation with a good team and coach.

Riiiight. You mean like taking a back seat to the people who caused this fucking disaster in the first place for two weeks before finally deciding to take over the reigns? Awesome job, Barry.

But he did not gently nudge James toward the Chicago Bulls, Obama's hometown team, as the president did in an interview last month.

Holy fuck it had been a long time since he weighed in on BronBron.

Day 25 of spill

Day 34 of spill

Day 43 of spill

Oh are you fucking kidding me?

2010-06-02T17:57:00.000-04:00

I wrote the headline for this post when I heard that James Cameron was asked to join a panel of men and women to participate in a brainstorming session to help mitigate and repair the damage caused by the catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico. After I wrote it I couldn't think of a single fucking reason why he shouldn't be involved in it. I mean why the fuck not?

The reasoning is that he's revolutionized technology in cinema and might have some good ideas. Frankly, that's good enough for me. So-called "experts" from the government, along with those douchebags responsible for it, haven't been able to come up with anything but their dicks in their hands for the last 44 days so I just can't justifiably say that the man could do worse.

At least he doesn't like to fail. Don't get me wrong, I thought Avatar was a big steaming pile of shit and he still owes me the six hours of my life I spent watching that and Titanic, but they were at least commercial successes and my distaste of those movies revolved more around a lack of human T and A (in the former) and being subjected to that fucking Celine Dion song for the last 15 years (due to the latter.) He also gets a little leeway because Terminator, Aliens and The Abyss were fucking awesome.

While most accounts depict him as an ego-maniacal control freak, maybe those aren't the worst characteristics to look for in a person you want to fix a problem for you. It does, however, set a dangerous precedent. Hollywood stars are already treated like royalty for doing basically nothing. They all have a certain degree of a god complex because they get whatever they want because it's easier to let them think they are more important than they are than to listen to them get all bitchy about not getting their way. But you just wait. After they fix the problem Sean Penn will show up and remind everyone that he was in a movie called Mystic River and that a river is like a gulf (it's not but no one will tell him that,) that he fixed everything in that movie (he didn't but that's neither here nor there,) and that he therefore played an integral role in the recovery of the spill (this will be the first time he's been on the Gulf Coast since he pulled the same shit with Katrina.)

And there you have it. Since I had forgotten, I'll remind you, too, that the root of my hatred of Hollywood and celebrities is not James Cameron. It's not even no talent whores like Lindsay Lohan who can basically do whatever they want, because they amuse me with their idiocy. It's people like Sean Penn, which is the conclusion I came to before.

And Titanic. I fucking hated that movie.

Monday is important

2010-05-28T18:56:00.001-04:00

When I was about 14 I worked in a small grocery store on a dairy farm. One year on the weekend before Memorial Day I said to an older customer, "Enjoy the holiday." He looked at me like I just punched his wife in the face and lectured me about Memorial Day not being something to "celebrate." His wife was rolling her eyes in a "here he goes again" fashion and frankly, I thought he was being a real prick. His point was that we enjoy a day off at the expense of men and women who gave their life for our country. The ultimate sacrifice. Since I was 14 I laughed about it when he left and talked a whole boat load of shit about that crazy old man who freaked out on me because I told him to enjoy his day off.

I, was an asshole.

Of course I'm still an asshole today, but I look back on that afternoon in 1996 and am disappointed in myself that at the time I didn't understand why that old man made such a big deal about me telling him to enjoy his day. Memorial Day should be a day to spend with your friends and family because they are worth it and because they (I hope) are important to you. But it should also be a day that while you're enjoying your beers and burgers, you take a moment to remember that there is a reason you can do so. People have literally given their lives for us and THAT is why we have a Monday afternoon to spend on the beach. Don't forget that.

Suck it fatties

2010-05-24T17:23:00.001-04:00

The debate about Mattel's Barbie doll has raged on for years. Concerned citizens (read: fat asses and ugly people) have long decried the toy's perpetuation of an unattainable standard for women's physical appearance. Apparently children all over the country have parents that are so useless and lacking in a supportive or nurturing nature, that said kids were looking at Barbie and deciding that they were useless unless they looked just like her.

First of all, people who fall short of any type of standard and use their failure to assert their position that the standard is unreasonable or unfair should die in a fire. Now, technically if a woman had measurements comparable to Barbie she'd be a hideous freak of nature. So I suppose it's true that no child should hold Barbie up to be a physical role model, however, the parents who have the issue don't argue that real life Barbie would be a 6 foot tall anorexic who can't walk, but that instead she's just too gosh darn pretty.

Naturally, instead of teaching children that in reality a woman like Barbie would be in constant pain and discomfort and would likely be ridiculed, they would prefer that Mattel just make her fatter. And you know, that makes sense, Barbie is too skinny so she should more accurately represent the fat asses who sit on their couch and write angry emails about Barbie being too "perfect."

One of the things that I often times find entertaining (if not sometimes infuriating) is when a person or company just gets so sick of taking shit that they go over the top with their ideology or product. It's like Sean Hannity or Keith Olberman knowing that they are playing to a certain demographic and decide to take a high speed trip down the Facism Freeway. Or when KFC finally just said, "Fuck it. We're a fast food restaurant and no matter what you eat here it is phenomenally unhealthy. Just thrown some cheese and bacon between two fried pieces of chicken and call it the Double Down."

Well congratulations to Mattel and Barbie because they've finally just said fuck it. I wish I was in the meeting for their new iteration of Barbie. "Alright guys. We can't win unless we turn Barbie into a chunky, frumpy ugly chick. So here's what we do: give her nice big tits and a low cut blouse. I don't car what you call it. Name her "This is why your husband left you Barbie" for all I care. Just get it done. And when someone complains about it being inappropriate make sure the person that gets interviewed is an ugly barefoot stereotype sitting in her living room complaining about the kids."

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Personal Accountability? (fart sound)

2010-05-22T12:57:00.001-04:00

I have said many times before on HI how much I despise those who blame others for their own mistakes. Even worse are the people who intentionally do something wrong and then try and point the blame away from themselves when they get caught. I also like to think that there is a special circle of Hell reserved for idiots who intentionally do illegal things or things that hurt themselves or others, document it, then get irate when someone calls them out on it. You know, like a kid who is under 21 posting a picture of himself double fisting Natty Lites on Facebook who gets an underage. Or, oh I don't know, a woman who cheats on her husband then sues the fucking cell phone company because calls to the other dude were on her bill that her husband saw.

That's right. Gabriella Nagy (and isn't that just a great last name for a bitch of a wife) is suing Rogers Wireless Inc for six hundred grand. The company, in an effort to be more efficient combined her cell phone bill with the family's household bill. Well apparently Nagy's husband noticed that her bill had a bunch of lengthy calls to the same number. After he called the number and realized what was going on he did the second most reasonable thing and left her. Naturally he had to settle on the second most reasonable course of action because apparently Canadian law, along with the laws of basically everywhere, frowns on murder.

Now the lawsuit she filed claims, among other things, that as a result of her husband leaving her her job performance "suffered" and she got herself shitcanned but that it's ultimately Rogers Wireless's fault.

"I lost everything," she said. "I want others to know what a big corporation has done. I trusted Rogers with my personal information. We had a contract -- and agreement that put my life right in their hands."

Yeah you dumb bitch. The big bad corporation has done you wrong! Sure you had a contract. You agreed to pay them money. And they agreed to let you use your cell phone. Just because you decided that you should whore around with some other dude while your husband was at home with the kids doesn't mean that part of your "contract" with Rogers was for them to keep your cock-hopping a secret.

Should the company have combined the bills? No, probably not. But this is a perfect example of someone who fucked up big time, then tried to capitalize on it because someone else did something wrong too. That's not the way it works shit heads. We are taught from the time that we are 2 that two wrongs don't make a right. But some peole seem to be very good at forgetting that. "You stole from your company." "Yeah, but he stole more." "You were drunk driving and killed a guy." "Yeah, but he was jay-walking." "You punched your wife." "Yeah, but she wasn't listening."

Who does this woman really think she is? Now, if the cell phone company had actually come to her house, picked her up and dropped her, spread legged onto some other guys dick then maybe they could be to blamed for her affair and the fall out from it. But as it turns out, they didn't. She cheated on her fucking husband and because of a clerical error her husband found out. It's not the company's fault that she's a scum bag. It's her own fault for going out for a meat stick instead of talking to her husband.

God people are fucking retarded.

And one more thing. If you were to read the comments in that article you would notice a woman (I presume) argued that the company was definitely wrong and that had this been a situation where the woman was in an abusive relationship and her husband realized she was reaching out for help it could have put her in harm's way. So the company should suffer the consequences. Why, that's a very good point. Allow me to retort:

THAT'S NOT WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED YOU HARPY BITCH! SHE WAS NOT BEING ABUSED. SHE WAS FUCKING ANOTHER MAN WHILE SHE WAS MARRIED. "IT COULD HAVE BEEN" IS A COP OUT AND ANY PERSON WITH HALF A BRAIN WOULD REALIZE THAT. DO YOU HONESTLY MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THIS BITCH NAGY DESERVES 600 GRAND BECAUSE SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND, GOT CAUGHT, BUT IN AN ALTERNATE REALITY COULD HAVE BEEN GETTING BEATEN BY HER HUSBAND AND THE COMPANY COULD HAVE CAUSED HER MORE HARM? FUCK. YOU.

Ahem.

Nowe where was I? Oh, right. I hope she wins her case. Then I hope she has to give all of the money to her husband and kids. What a douche.

And today in "It's OK to be douchebags if it's for religion" news:

2010-05-15T12:09:00.000-04:00

Being hypersensitive or hyperserious about something is no fun. It's also no way to go through life (not unlike fat, drunk and stupid) because when you're that psycho about something it's really really easy for people to set you off and make you look like a big giant douchebag. It's ironic really because one of the things in my life that I am very serious about is how much I hate people who are too serious about anything.

I don't tend to get worked up about very serious or important issues. Instead I choose to flip out into multi-dimensional states of pissed off about shit that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme. The reason I don't go nuts about huge issues is because chances are there is not one fucking thing I can do about it, whereas little miniscule things that go wrong that I can control make me want to punch babies. Things like being late.

Now, if there is one group of hypersensitive assholes who deserve to to be drowned in their own guilt and self loathing it's religious people. I'm pretty sure that words like "hypocrisy" and phrases like "would you shut the fuck up" were created with these people in mind. For thousands and thousands of years god and religion have been used to persecute, harm and divide people. That is so fucking beyond stupid that it is almost funny. The very tenents that serve as the foundation for just about every religion I can think of, besides Buddhism, are the very things that will make zealots kill and defame people.

"I was raised a Catholic" is essentially the explanation I give to people when they ask me why I choose not to be religious and why I think that organized religion in general is hypocritical and useless. And let's be honest, throughout history the Catholics have done a wonderful job of being big huge assholes as they attempted to impose their will on everyone else in what essentially amounts to a 2000 year long cash grab. Speaking of big giant assholes, let's talk about Islam.

Usually a religion's hypocrisy and intolerance are understated and subtle, kind of like racism. Everyone knows it's there but it can sort of be ignored if you choose to ignore it. Not these fuckers. Most other religions hold faithfully that their god is the, uh, "real" god. But these days they don't go around assaulting people if they say, "no your god is not the real god." Or if they show pictures of the guy who started this particular fairy tale. Or if they otherwise talk shit. It's pretty brazen, though, to not just believe your god is the only god but to then acknowledge other religion's gods and assert that yeah maybe they exist but seriously, ours came first and yours is more like a cousin.

And let's take a second to acknowledge that not all of the followers of Islam are lunatics. Most of them are only as crazy as the next religious person. But like the squeeky wheel, the one with bombs strapped to their chest are the ones who get attention. The problem, is that while practices of terrorism and murder and assault on behalf of Muhammad and Islam are looked down upon is the world, nothing is done about them. Just because something is done in the name of religion does not make it right. And it shouldn't make it tolerable.

Lars Vilks is the man who depicted Muhammad in a series of cartoons a few years back and was the victim of death threats and possibly a legitimate plan to follow through on those threats. He made news again this week when he was attacked while screening a film made that juxtaposed Islam and homosexuality. He was giving a presentation on free speech when the assault occurred. Ironically, according to the muslim crowd free speech is to be valued only when you agree with it. Kind of like with the left in the United States. (Uh, oh. Did he just compare liberals to psycho Muslim assholes? I think he did!!) Below is the video of the assault. It's sad really. The guy was trying to incite the crowd. They fell for it. And now he has broken glasses and we have another example of the lunatic Muslim fringe overreacting with violence instead of turning the other cheek.

Ok, so I got Catholics, Muslims, and liberals. I feel like I'm forgetting another obnoxious group of assholes that I should be pissing off. Who are they? Wait, it'll come to me. Oh, right...

Yankees fans. Fuck those guys.

I really thought those two crazy kids would make it

2010-05-14T17:25:00.002-04:00

A week or two ago I heard that Kendra Wilkinson of banging octogenarians fame had a sex tape that was going to be released. I paniced because I thought it was with Hef. Then breathed a sigh of relief when I learned that it wasn't. Yay! That was some fantastic news. She was by far the best one out of Hef's whores. Holly Madison is white trash dressed up for Hollywood. And then, wait, who was the other one? You know, the ugly one. Oh, right. The ugly one. So there was white trash, there was ugly and there was 20 years old with fantastic tits and a liking for sports. So anyway Kendra was the best.

Well Kendra married that piece of shit Hank Baskett and got herself pregnant. And remarkably less attractive, which is to say, fat. That is why news of the sex tape is fantastic. It was supposedly made when she was 18 or 19, right before she decided to fuck an old man for a career. Excellent. There was the normal posturing about her not wanting it released. There were the declarations that she did not give anyone permission to distribute the tape. And there was also her assertion that the tape would be detrimental to her marriage. One of those three sentences contained truth. Guess which one.

Apparently Hank Baskett is less than pleased that his wife wants to sell a tape of herself getting hollowed out by not one but at least two dudes. Neither of which are him. I know, this is a shocking revelation. This whole story only bears telling, though, because people in Hollywood suck and are so detached from reality that it is astounding. In what world do you have to live in to think that your new husband who is the father of your newborn child, would NOT take issue with a video tape of you fucking other men getting distributed? How does that conversation go?

Hank: Hey babe, how was your day?
Kendra: It was great. I dug up an old video of some guys I used to know running train and decided to sell it.
Hank: What?
Kendra: Yeah, it's from forever ago. Like 4 or 5 years ago.
Hank: You dumb bitch what the fuck were you thinking making something like that public? I thought we were starting a family together.
Kendra: What's the big deal? Everyone has sex right? I just video taped it and want millions of strangers to see it. Gawd! Don't be so prude!

And of course the bigger issue here is that unfortunately we live in a society where entirely too many people really could have that conversation without a hint of sarcasm or irony. Respect for yourself and those you "care" about is a completely foriegn concept, particularly when it comes to lining your pockets with money. Principles mean something and people who stand by theirs should be applauded. For example, I despise people who have such a litigious nature that they look for any means to sue or swindle someone when it is not necessary to do so. Car accident victims. Slip and fall victims. Ouch your hot coffee burnt my lap because I'm a moron and can't hold onto cups victims. All of them looking for a handout because they can.

A year and a half ago I slipped on ice leaving my office and shattered my leg and akle. The parking lot was not really well maintained and the lighting sucked. I could have sued the owner and probably walked away with 30 or 40 grand. At least that's what I was informed of by a lawyer trying to get me to sue. I refused. I refused on principle because I fucking hate hypocrites and I wasn't about to become one. It was icy out and I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been. The situation was probably avoidable so there was no need to crutch on down to the courthouse.

I might be a giant sarcastic asshole, but I would say I'm generally a decent person and it pains me to see other people who are so shallow and detached from any semblance of normalcy that simple decency and respect for other people is a foreign concept. I have a family that I love and there is a better chance of me developing a cure for cancer than there is of me doing something that would embarass or otherwise harm them. I am a mysanthropic shithead, so obviously it's not that hard to do. Can we just we just blow up southern California already? Preferably while Baskett's there. I really don't feel like watching him in an Eagles jersey this season.

Now if you'll excuse me, I just hurt my shoulder patting myself on the back so I'm going to call it a day.

Something bad happened to someone stupid. Shocking. (Pun intended)

2010-05-05T13:54:00.000-04:00

That is Steven Consalvi about two seconds before the cop chasing him down buried the business ends of a taser into his back. Consalvi is something I like to call a "douchebag." He managed to make headlines all over the damn place and cause a pretty contentious battle between those who think the cop used excessive force in bring him down and those who think that the 17 year old shithead got what he deserved when he ran onto the field during a Phillies game this week. I happen to think that the cop used excessive force but that that walking case for abortion did, in fact, get what he deserved.

Here's the thing, when you run onto the field at a professional sports game you have certain expectations. You expect to get caught. You expect to be tackled onto the ground. You expect to deal with a hellacious headache the next day because you are clearly shitfaced. You probably do not expect that the cop will get winded chasing you after 20 seconds and shoot your in the back with a weapon. I say that's really too fucking bad for you and bad shit happens to you when you do stupid things. I also say, though, that maybe the cop chasing him didn't necessarily have to tase the dude. Plus, if some little shit makes me chase after him I don't want the taser doing the work. I want the satisfaction of burying his ass into the grass in centerfield for making me exert all that effort.

Now, all of the uber conservative blow hards will tell you that you never know what a crazed person running onto the field could do. "He could harm a player!" "He could attack an official!" "We have to be careful since 9/11!" Yeah. First of all, except for maybe Jamie Moyer (since he's about 90) and Cole Hamels (because I have to imagine he punches like a woman) anyone on the Phillies roster could easily handle a 17 year old. Second, most officials suck at their job anyway and could use a kick in the ass. And third, fuck the 9/11 yammering. Terrorists don't run onto baseball fields. They do things quieter and more subtlely, like crashing planes into two fucking buildings in New York. (Not to go off topic for too long here, but seriously, get over the fact that we have to "be more careful" since the terrorist attacks of 9/11. We clearly haven't learned anything because security only get wratcheted the fuck up AFTER something happens. If you're going to inconvenience me with arbitrary and unnecessary security measures do it all the fuck the time, not just in the wake of an incident so that you look competent.)

The other side of the argument, of course, is that that poor child is the real victim; that the cop was overzealous in his pursuit of his target. "He could have been killed," they have yelled. "It's police brutality!" "For shame, he is just a child and wasn't hurting anyone." Well guess what? Yeah, he could have been killed I guess. But he could have also broken his neck getting tackled instead of tased. Police brutality? He was trespassing on the field and was resisting arrest. He's lucky they didn't shoot him with a gun instead. And he wasn't a child. He's 17. Trust me, he knows right from wrong. He was aware that he was about to do something illegal and stupid. Do you know how I know that? Because he called his fucking dad before he did it to ask permission. (For the record, his dad said not to be a retard.)

But now look at me. I've gone and ruined both arguments here. So does that mean no one is right? Well, sort of. I have long been a proponent of people being punished simply for doing stupid things. If being a moron was illegal the world would be a better place. I don't, however, think that being a moron is necessarily a capital offense. But I do think that if we tased someone every time they acted like an idiot then the idiotic behavior would rapidly decrease. So do I agree with the cop and think he should have tased him? No. That was some lazy shit. Plus, as I said before, he didn't have the satisfaction of bull dogging him into the ground. So while he probably shouldn't have been tased, it wasn't so far out of the realm of possibility as far as repercussions for running onto the field are concerned that it shouldn't have been at least partially expected.

Roger Goodell is a dictator... but the good kind

2010-04-19T14:19:00.000-04:00

In my last post I said I was going to spend the next one railing against Jim Nantz for being a two faced douchebag in his handling of Tiger Woods' return to golf two weekends ago. While Jim Nantz is still a two faced douchebag, I couldn't finish the piece. I actually read it and thought that there was too much profanity and too much of the liberal use of the word douchebag and similar verbage for it to make sense. Yes, I thought that it was vulgar and incoherent. Most of my shit is vulgar and incoherent, so just imagine what that abortion looked like. The first one was rambling and nonsensical enough, and I really didn't need two of them in a row.

So anyway, t looks like Roger Goodell is going to become my favorite commissioner in professional sports on Wednesday! I have long been a proponent of punishing people for being stupid. Unfortunately our legal system is not established to penalize retards and that is a real shame. If someone is being a dumbass they deserve, at the very least, an ass kicking, and at the most, to be removed from society for an agreed upon amount of time. If you are a jerkoff to people, there should be repercussions. Since you can't beat the fuck out of someone just for pissing you off or being a jackass, the next logical repurcussion would be a financial or instituational penalty.

Ben Roethlisberger is about to be suspended by Goodell and the NFL, essentially for being a fucking moron and scumbag. He did not get arrested. He was not found guilty of a crime in criminal court or found liable in civil court. As far as we know, he didn't even pay off the alleged victim. Instead, he involved himself in a questionable situation for the second time in a year and was accused of sexually assaulting a woman. Again.

Now, in America you cannot go to jail or be otherwise punished just because someone claimed that you did something. There's a process. You get accused or caught. You have a trial. A jury says you either did that shit or you didn't. THEN you go to jail or are otherwise punished. But we're not talking about America here. We're talking about the NFL. Roger Goodell's NFL. And in Rog's NFL, you get your shit punished at just the air of impropriety. Oh, you decided to act like a fucking moron and proceeded to embarrass yourself, your team and the league? OK. How does 4 games on the bench sound, ass hole?

Goodell has taken a fair amount of grief in the past for punishing players for their off the field antics. Antics, of course, is probably the wrong word. I don't think shooting/stabbing people, running people over while drunk in your Bentely or beating and/or sexually assaulting women fall under the decidedly jovial banner of "antics." I mean, it's not like Big Ben was trying to play an innocent game of "Hide the Penis in the Unwilling Vagina." Instead I would suggest that they fall under the banner of "entitled, rich, scumbag asshole moves that no one should get away with no matter what the judicial system says."

Is Heir Goodell setting a dangerous precedent? Possibly. But I would argue that if he makes it clear to his players that there are going to be repurcussions outside of what their fame and fortune can otherwise get them out of when they act like animals then maybe they will, you know, stop acting like fucking animals. Remember too that we're not talking about Roethlisberger going out and getting drunk and falling down on the sidewalk. Yeah it's embarrassing for him. But it's not that big of a deal. We're talking about a guy who at best is a moron who thinks that every woman at the bar wants him when he's had a few pops and, at worst, a sexual predator whose fame and finances have allowed him to escape punishment. Until Goodell gets his hands on him anyway.

Of course just look at him. Is this the face of a sexual predator?

I say yes. Yes it is. Nice mullet, douchebag.

So, anything going on in sports this weekend?

2010-04-10T12:53:00.000-04:00

Oooohhh, righrightright. I forgot. Tiger's back on the course playing The Masters this weekend. Naturally this is big news and I actually caught a few minutes of the tournament on Thursday. Now, I hate golf. I despise it's drudgery and tedium. I'm not good at it, nor do I have the patience to attempt to succeed at it. Therefore I choose not to like it.

But of course this weekend has little to do with golf even though it is the kickoff to the season. It has everything to do with Tiger. Now I've explained my stance on cheating before. I would never do it; but not out of any moral imperetive. I just wouldn't do it out of respect to my fiancee and frankly it's not worth it. The woman who is hot enough to get me to cheat would have nothing to do with me. That I am sure of. But if I was so inclined to sleep around I just wouldn't get married. Look at Derek Jeter. That guy is covered in random cooze but no one cares. Why? Because he's not married. He's young and rich and therefore gets to hollow out any willing woman he wants. Tiger, if he wanted to bang porn stars and Denny's waitresses and, uh, his neighbor's daughter, should have just stayed single.

Now that I have made it clear (I hope) that I think Tiger is simply a fraud and retard, we can get to the real douchebags who are popping up this weekend. They, of course, are the adminstrators of the PGA and Augusta and that fucktard Jim Nantz as well as David Feherty.

First off, the PGA is complicit in the coddling of Tiger and his carefully structured return to the links. It should not be the duty of the PGA to make sure that their precious little money maker gets everything he wants, exactly how he wants it. To that end, those ass holes at Augusta should be drawn and quartered for doing the like. Increased security? Stringent guidelines for television coverage? Irony of a discriminative, mysoginistic course cow towing to a black guy? Check. Check. And... check. To that end, they both, in the interest of protecting their cash cow, probably cost themselves money. Guess who's not watching the Masters this weekend. I'll tell you. Everyone who wasn't going to watch it in the first place. Guess who would have watched it if they let some of the whores and riff raff onto the course at Augusta. Every. Fucking. One. I would be glued to my TV all weekend. It would be like real life Happy Gilmore and it would have been fucking awesome.

Jim Nantz is a fucking pussy. Sure, it's his 22nd year hosting this elitist circle jerk, but have you seen him talk about Tiger? I turned on Letterman on Thursday night at 11:35 because I forgot that CBS has to have their Masters recap on after the news for 25 fucking minutes. Well what did I see but Jim Nantz interviewing Tiger. And you know what... hold that thought. That's going to be a whole new rant.

For now, fuck you PGA and Augusta. You've made me hate white people with your coddling and posturing and hypocrity and elitism. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go not watch golf. Stay tuned tomorrow or Monday for a breakdown of Nantz' interview with Tiger and how I compare it with an interview he gave to golf.com and The Early Show on CBS.

Oh Catholic Church, don't you ever change. Instead, just go away.

2010-04-03T11:18:00.000-04:00

I was born at Frankford hospital in Philadelphia and lived on Loney St. in North East Philly until I was 5. My parents moved up into Bucks County after that, and in order to decide whether my sister and I would go to public or parochial schools they sent us each to one of them. My sister got to go to the public school. My parents were quite religious and insisted, over the next 12 years, on church every Sunday and CCD while we attended public school. Do you know why the public school option was chosen after one year as a first grader at a Catholic elementary school? Because they were bat. Shit. Fucking. Crazy.

In my year at Saint So-and-So I saw a kid get hung by his sweater in the coat closet. I saw another be relegated to the hallway because he spilled his crayons and the nun who saw him insisted he "did it on purpose." And multiple kids were reprimanded for coloring outside of the lines in their Phonics book. And just so we're clear, they were reprimanded. Not corrected. There was no teaching, there was yelling because the crayons moved outside of the lines. We were 6.

Fast forward to 2002 and the Archdiocese of Boston is under fire for covering up sexual abuse by their clergy. Fast forward to 2005 and the abuse accusations, and subsequent cover-ups, have made their way down I-95 to Philadelphia. I remember standing in my parents' kitchen when the Phildelphia Inquirer published "all" of the priests who had been accused, where they were shuffled, and where they were now. Standing at the island my mom told me, "you know just because there are bad priests doesn't mean that there isn't a God." I was 23.

Putting things in perspective, yelling at a kid for spilling crayons or coloring outside the lines with them is quite mundane when another option is having a priest that you know and trust try and fondle your junk. It doesn't make either OK, but in the grand scheme, I'd rather get yelled at than molested. Unless it's by a hot chick. Then she can abuse me as she sees fit. (I'm easy like that.)

Anyway, that was really just a long introduction that, 1: helped me rationalize not going to church unless someone gets married or dies and 2: allows me to take a moment to rant about that mother fucking douchebag Raniero Cantalamessa. Excuse me. REV. Raniero Cantalamessa. Cantalamessa, you see, is the Apostolic Preacher in the Vatican. He's essentially the Pope's priest. He also, last night, compared accusations of covering up sexual abuse by priests by Benedict XVI to "more shameful aspects of anti-Semitism." Yup.

In fairness, it has been a long standing contentious battle between Christians and Jews over who it was that killed Christ. Vatican 2 definitively declared that Jews should not be blamed. So basically that jerk off Cantalamessa was, I assume, trying to make the point that accusations of alleged actions levied against the Pope are similar to unfounded allegations that it was the Jews who killed Christ. Here's the thing: kid fucking by priests has been documented and proved over the last several decades. Jesus was crucified almost two thousand years ago. How fucking stupid are people? The depths of how retarded people are astound me on an almost daily basis. This guy is essentially practicing Godwin's Law. His hyperbolic comparison between documented facts about child molestation and attempts to cover it up and accusing an entire group of people of "killing" some dude with a beard two thousand years ago is more retarded than this guy, but not at funny.

Happy Easter. Enjoy your chocolate bunnies and plastic eggs. Jesus would want it that way.

Someone has to be blamed for all these fat kids

2010-04-01T15:06:00.001-04:00

But it is not Ronald Mc-fucking-Donald. Corporate Accountability Intl. (heretofore known as those fucking ass holes with too much time on their hands) are calling on McDonald's to retire their scary ass mascot after 47 years because he is fueling childhood obesity.

I'm not a fan of clowns. They scare me. And any adult who puts on make-up and prances around in brightly colored clothes with giant shoes should be sent away. (No, I don't know where. Nor do I care. Just away. At least from me.) But I have plenty of hate to go around and clowns are way down on my list of things to get pissed off about. What's near the top? Why, I'm glad you asked. Right up there at the top are hyper-sensitive douchebags who will blame anyone or anything for any-fucking-thing. The type of people who have no personal accountability. The type who assume that if there is something wrong with them then someone else is at fault. "Oh, I had to have triple bypass surgery? Must be Hatfields fault for producing the bacon I ate a pound a day of for 20 years." "My lung cancer? Oh, that's Philip Morris' fault for manufacturing cigarettes that I couldn't stop smoking." "Yeah, I slipped and hurt myself. It wasn't because I was a clumsy jackass though, it was because the person's house I was at had been an ass hole and washed the floors before I got there." Get the point?

Those fucking ass holes with too much time on theirs hands would fall into that category. Ronald McDonald does not cause childhood obesity. I have literally never in my life heard a child tell their parent that they wanted to go to McDonalds for the clown. The fries? Yup. The Happy Meal? You betcha. That painted faced monster? Fuck-ing never. Unless their piece of shit parent who is too lazy to make them a dinner or too much of a push over to make them stop playing MLB 2010 and go outside and play it for real, is dressed up like Ronald then it is not the clown's fault. It is those lazy unaccountable parents who can't raise their kids for shit and probably shouldn't have been allowed to have them in the first place.

Thanks for that

2010-03-19T15:23:00.000-04:00

You know, I have to feel bad for those poor Ivy League schools. Even if they make the NCAA tournament, you can't really expect them to make it out of the first, wait, what? They did, did they? Wow. That sucks for Temple.

But holy shit is it good for me. See I didn't attend Cornell. I guess if I normally had to pick a team in that particular game to root for it would have been Temple as I have family who attended and it is a local school, but none of those things trump the fact that I absolutely fucking despise the NCAA tournament.

As a sports fan in general you would think that I would be able to get into the spirit of the tournament. You would be wrong. And it's not even that I don't like basketball, which I don't, but that has nothing to do with why I hate the tournament specifically. It's that for a fucking month every god damn year all you hear about is MARCH MADNESS WOOOHOOO!!!!! It over runs every other thing going on in the sports landscape. Granted the only things really going on are the NBA and no one really give a shit about that until the playoffs, and the NHL which no one really gives a shit about, well, period. But there's still NFL free agency. There's spring training. There's Lance Armstrong referring to Tony Kornheiser with this quote: "Disgusting, ignorant, foolish. What a complete ... idiot." All because Kornheiser mentioned that it might not be such a bad idea to run over douchebag bicyclists when they act like they own the fucking road. Which, frankly, I think is a pretty decent resolution to an annoying fucking problem.

The thing is, I like to listen to sports talk radio during the day. Yes, I'm one of those guys. I don't call, I'm not one of those guys. I just like to listen. But when the NCAA tournament rolls around and Philly is a pretty decent college basketball town, the entire fucking broadcast of every fucking show is about the local teams and their tournament performance. That is why I was so happy to see a local team lose on a national level today. Yesterday I was practically jumping up and down when Robert Morris almost upset 'Nova. A 15-2 upset AND a the local team picked to go furthest is gone in the first round?!?! My lucky day!! But alas, 'Nova sacked up and was able to eke out an OT win because they had an 8 man to 5 advantage (there's 3 refs on the floor right?) But now Temple is gone. So the slobbering over local teams is cut in half. So here's looking at you St. Mary's. Let's see if you can send 'Nova packing. (And with that you'll witness the first and last time I ever root for anything out of California.)

But that's it. My hatred for the NCAA tournament when there is no longer the opportunity to skip class and use it as an excuse to drink all day has nothing to do with my dislike of basketball. It has nothing to do with my lack of pride in local sports teams. It simply has everything to do with the fact that it fucks up my normal day to day routine and I HATE fucking up my normal day to day routine.

Oh, just one more thing. I also hate that tournament because on a mostly not, but slightly relevant note, I hate having to listen to douchebags talk about Xavier and pronounce it like that fucker from the X-Men. It's pronounced like if you spelled it Zavier, douche.

I hope Hank Baskett pulls a Corey Haim

2010-03-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

I don't care how hot his wife is was. What the fuck is Hank Baskett doing back in an Eagles uniform? That mother fucker sucks more than Richard Simmons on E at a gay pride parade. What exactly was the Eagles' reasoning behind bringing Baskett back to Philly, Coach Reid?

"Not only has he proven himself to be a productive receiver, but he also does a solid job on special teams."

Oh no you did not just maintain that he proved himself as an effective receiver while in Indianapolis while also cementing his legacy as a "solid" special teams member.

Ahem...

And you'll recognize Baskett in the image below from Super Bowl XLIV. He's the one in the bottom right hand corner and it was taken a few seconds after the Saints' on-side kick bounced off of his head and was summarily recovered by the Saints. Solid special teams player my ass, Andy.

Is there anything that can make me not feel so terrible about the fact that one of the "biggest" moves the Birds have made this off season is to bring back this douchebag?

Yes. Yes there is.

Just as long as she promises not to talk or laugh. Ever.

And the world wept. But mostly because Lost Boys 3 just won't be the same

2010-03-12T16:03:00.000-05:00

In Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom wrote: "Maybe death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another."

Fuck. That. Some people don't necessarily deserve tears. At least not crocodile ones from self serving ass holes.

Corey Haim died the other day of a drug overdose. Shocking I know. You'll remember him from such 80s classics as The Lost Boys, Lucas and, uh, yeah, that's really all I can remember. He's become more famous over the last 20 years for being washed up before 30 and being a waste of oxygen drug addict. If you're so inclined you can check out his IMDB profile, which incidentally is down 6% in popularity this week. Congratulations Corey, you had fallen so far from the spotlight that not even dying could get you decent press.

And so continues the celebrity deathwatch of 2010 that Brittany Murphy kicked off last month. (Also from a drug overdose.) Of course unless an accused pedophile (I'm looking at you Polanski) or a martial arts movie star with a thing for autoerotic asphyxiation (I'm looking at you Statham, but for no other reason that the fiancee subjects me to every shitty movie you make. Seriously, I got yelled at for 20 minutes on the ride home from the theater after Crank 2 for not being able to stop myself from making fun of that shit) dies then 2010 isn't going to have shit on 2009. But I digress. The problem with the celebrity deaths, or any deaths for that matter, is that once someone dies they automatically get remembered in the best light possible and people who didn't give a shit about the deceased while they were alive suddenly become their biggest fans and advocates.

I do not lack sympathy or empathy when they are deserved. But when a drug addict dies from abusing drugs I won't be crying myself to sleep. When someone who was an ass hole for most of their life dies, that does not negate the fact that they were an asshole. (As not to be hypocritical, I would not suppose that once I die people would spend hours talking about how I was not sometimes a big sarcastic prick.) If an alcoholic dies in a car accident when they are drunk I don't think it's necessarily a tragedy provided that no one else is hurt. People who don't deserve to live because they are wasting their life and/or are criminals should not engender sympathy when they go. A reaction of, "Welp, that happened" will suffice. Corey Haim is just the latest example of a person who died way too young due to unfortunate life choices that will be romantacized as a talented man whose loss has left a hole in the hearts of many. No, it has left a hole in the cast of a bunch of shitty movies he was about to be in because he's not that talented and squandered fame and fortune for drugs. If you are going to be a blight on society, I say good riddance. But not all of them have to die. Maybe we could just do, I don't know, this:

Hey Andy! Die in a fire.

2010-03-05T15:42:00.000-05:00

Today is the beginning of the NFL's free angency period. Today is also the day that Eagles fans throughout the Philadelphia area woke up with a spring in their step hoping that today might just be the day that they were rid of that smiley faced, underachieving douchetard Donovan McNabb. Apprently, though, that is not to be.

Fox Philadelphia has reported that while Eagles managment wants to try and move that glorified ground hog exterminator (he throws the ball into the ground alot, you see) Andy Reid does not.

Now you listen up you fat, bloated, pass-happy fuck. You've had a mother fucking decade to turn McNabb into a Super Bowl champion quarterback. The two of you have been attached at the hip for my entire adult life and the only thing you have to show for it is a 1 and 4 record in NFC championship games and a shameful display in ONE Super Bowl. A game that you lost despite New England doing their best to hand you the mother fucking Vince Lombardi trophy. I'm so glad you are such a staunch supporter of that giant gaping gash that puked his lunch up all over the field when he should have been working on putting a game winning drive together.

It is painfully clear that McNabb is not the answer in Philadelphia. I'm not saying he's not a good quarterback. He is. Probably in the top 11 or 12 in the NFL. But he is not the quarterback for Philadelphia. It is a disgrace that Andy Reid is so far up McNabb's ass. My only hope is that his public support is little more than a facade so that he can, when McNabb does get moved, play the role of supportive head coach who was backing his man and lay the "blame" as it were at the feet of Eagles brass.

If he legitimately wants to spend another year with that useless waste of space McNabb, Reid should be checked for mental illness and relieved of his duties as head ~~choke-artist~~ coach of the Eagles.

Guess who has a new mascot! -- UPDATE!!

2010-03-03T12:53:00.001-05:00

It is my distinct pleasure to introduce you all to a shining example of hypocrisy and irony and the NEW mascot of Hypocritical Irony. You know him! You love him! You get figuratively fucked in the ass by him every time he enters the House of Representatives! It's the one! The only! Charrrrlieeeee Raaaaaangeeellll!!

Dickishness flows through the streets of Washington like gravy through Michael Moore's veins. The town is full of self-important assholes who regularly assume that the laws that they make do not apply to them. That is not a partisan statement either. Democrat or Republican, the vast majority think that they are above the law. That they are untouchable. That because they wield political power and influence, that others should cowtow to them and look the other way when they break the rules. The hypocrisy found in Washington is astounding. Whether it's a right-wing conservative who decries homosexuality then gets outed, or, say, the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee not paying his taxes.

The problem is that this lack of integrity is especially disconcerting from men and women that are entrusted to represent the rest of us and look out for our best interests. Instead, what are looked after are special interests. It's agendas over, well, agendas. Posturing over progress. Ideology over integrity. The way our government behaves as it grows larger by the day is a bastardization of what it should be. Without trudging into a Founding Father's rant, the Federal Government was intended to serve the people by wielding as little influence as was necessary. It was not supposed to become a self-filating collection of beurocrats who assume that they know better than everyone else.

I'd like to wrap up with a little shit talking on Nancy Pelosi. It's cold and rainy today, you see, and that just kind of warms me up a little bit. Uncle Charlie took a temporary leave of absense from his position on the Ways and Means Committee pending the results of an investigation by the House Ethics Committee and Pelosi had this to say in a statement:

“Chairman Charlie Rangel has informed me of his request for a leave of absence from his duties and responsibilities as Chairman of the Committee on Ways and Means. I will honor his request.
"I commend Chairman Rangel for his decades of leadership on jobs, health care, and the most significant economic issues of the day.”

Whooooo boy. Alright, now you listen up you harpy bitch. Let's cut the shit and pretend for a few moments that you are not a self serving whore to liberal America with absolutely no grasp for the realities of our country today. I know. It's a stretch. But let's pretend. How dare you sugar coat the fact that one of the senior members of your party is being disgraced and essentially forced to resign due to potentially unethical and illegal activities he engaged in. It's not like he's got a sick spouse or child and needs time to focus on his family. He's doing it because he's about to get cornholed in the media and by his political opposition. And what the fuck is that about commending him for decades of leadership? How about you sack up and tell the truth? It could be something like this: "I commend Chairman Rangel for his decades of leadership, but due to recent revelations, it is in his and our party's best interest for him to GTFO and not let the door hit him."

The complete lack of acknowledgement by Pelosi regarding the the circumstances that lead to Rangel's resignation is a perfect example of the self-serving nature of our politicians. How dare they look down on us as if we are not smart enough to see through the charade. I suppose, though, that the real tragedy is that there are so many who can't.

--UPDATE!!--

Well wasn't that just a shining example of conservative hypocrisy I dreamed up yesterday?

Marty vs. Harry (Or: Who can be the bigger douche?)

2010-02-24T11:28:00.001-05:00

Often times when I hear someone complain about Harry Reid I smile and think, "Yup, he's a douchebag." It's like that a lot with different confrontations people have, especially if it has to do with someone getting offended. In those situations usually the offender didn't mean anything wrong by what they said and the offendee is being a hypersensitive douchebag looking for publicity. Basically it's easy to pick a side and laugh at the bigger dumbass. This isn't one of those times.

Sometimes you get a perfect storm of douchebaggery and idiocy that makes it impossible to empathize with either side of the argument. It makes your head hurt to look at the arguments on both sides because you try and analyze it and then you have no choice but to slap your palm against your forehead over and over again.

That's the kind of situation we have here. Harry Reid made a statement that implied that men were more likely than women to commit acts of domestic violence. Whatever. But wait! The National Organization for Men (yup, that exisists) wants an apology. Ugh. Of course Reid said he won't apologize. Which, frankly, is fine by me. But who do I side with here? Both people involved in this situation are saying mind numbingly retarded things: Reid, that unemployment is making men more aggressive and thus more likely to beat their wives. And Marty Nemko, that men are bitches who are actually more likely to be victims of abuse but are afraid to admit it. And of course the co-president of the NOFM's name is Marty. Yeah, of course it is.

(Unrelated aside: Why is it that whenever some douchey person shows up on TV or in the movies they always have to name him Marty or Martin? It's not fucking fair. Martin is not a common name. It makes the disproportionate amount of losers on TV with the name offensive too. And frankly I feel well in my rights to be offended by it. Not like that bitch Marty Nemko who got whiney because some other pussy said men are more likely to hit women than the other way around.)

From Fox News:

Marty Nemko, co-president of The National Organization for Men, described Reid's comments as "irresponsible," citing numerous studies that show women are just as likely or even more so to commit domestic violence against their male partners.
Nemko also noted that that the police reports women advocacy organizations use are misleading because "men are embarrassed to say their wives beat them over the head with a frying pan."
"Instead of looking to try and find men jobs, he's bashing men completely unfairly,"

Nemko has a website. I looked at it for about 2 minutes before deciding he was a pretentious douchebag who I would probably want to blast in the face after two minutes of conversation. Self-important, pretentious ass holes are some of my least favorite people in the world and I am embarrassed to share a name with him. As for his arguments, I really don't give two fucks if a wife beats her husband. And do you know why? Because if a man is such a giant bitch that his bitch of a wife can get the better of him then maybe he deserves to be hit in the face with a frying pan. I mean holy shit, at least be able to sack up and divorce the cunt. And I don't care how misleading the data is, because a man SHOULD be embarrassed if he gets his ass kicked by a woman. Unless it's MMA fighter Gina Carano. She can kick my ass daily if she pleases.

"There is no question that people being out of work causes more people to be involved in domestic violence. I mean, I didn't make that up. I was told that by two people who run domestic crisis shelters," he said.
"I have met with some people while I was home dealing with domestic abuse. It has gotten out of hand. Why? Men don't have jobs. Women don't have jobs either, but women aren't abusive -- most of the time. Men, when they're out of work, tend to become abusive. Our domestic crisis shelters in Nevada are jammed. It's the way it is all over the country."

HOLY SHIT!! TWO PEOPLE?!?! YOU DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP!?!? My god Harry Reid is a fucking idiot. It takes a supreme set of retarded balls to try and use domestic abuse to advance some kind of political agenda. Reid is just so full of shit that he should be embarrassed. But no, he's not. He's a giant prick and I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with him personally. Every time he opens his mouth he reaffirms my belief that he is a whiney little bitch who is so out of touch with his constituents and American in general that it is astounding. As a matter of fact, I think his wife should put him in his place when he gets home to Nevada. Hopefully when he gets home to Nevada permanently after losing his bid for re-election in November.

Some guy cheated on his wife. He's also not really sorry.

2010-02-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

I can't stand the apologies that celebrities have to make when they do something stupid. There is no need to apologize to the kids. Or the fans. The people that need to be apologized to are the people that were directly hurt by your actions. In Tiger's case, his family. The only thing worse than the contrived mea culpa is when said celebrity can't even pretend to be genuine in their apology. Hey, guess where Tiger Woods falls! That jerk off couldn't even be bothered to feign genuine remorse. His entire statement could have been given in two lines. 1: Leave me and my family alone. 2: Please still hire me to endorse your products.

Let's translate his statement.

Good morning, and
thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room
are my friends. Many of you in this room know me.
Many of you have cheered for me or you've
worked with me or you've supported me.

You'll notice that I've collected a very small, select group of individuals to be present today. You'll also notice that my wife is not here because she hates me and wishes I had died when I crashed my SUV on Thanksgiving.

I know people want to find out how I could
be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know
how I could have done these things to my wife Elin
and to my children. And while I have always tried
to be a private person, there are some things I
want to say.

People really just want to know about fucking those hookers, porn stars and IHOP waitresses. Well, maybe just the hookers and porn stars. And I've always been a private person so I will spend the next ten minutes not really saying anything substantial.

Elin and I have started the process of
discussing the damage caused by my behavior.
As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her
will not come in the form of words; it will come from
my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss;
however, what we say to each other will remain
between the two of us.

Elin is fucking pissed. I am going to have to be her bitch for the rest of my life or until she dies. Speaking of which, does anyone know a good hit man?

I am also aware of the pain my behavior
has caused to those of you in this room. I have let
you down, and I have let down my fans. For many
of you, especially my friends, my behavior has
been a personal disappointment. To those of you
who work for me, I have let you down personally
and professionally. My behavior has caused
considerable worry to my business partners.

Seriously guys, It'll be OK. But Elin is about to rape my bank accounts and if you can still endorse me and help pad that shit you would really be doing me a solid.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one
issue I really want to discuss. Some people have
speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me
on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people
would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me
that night or any other night. There has never
been an episode of domestic violence in our
marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace
and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves
praise, not blame.

Elin totally kicked my ass.

I stopped living by the core values that I
was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were
wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules
didn't apply. I never thought about who I was
hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran
straight through the boundaries that a married
couple should live by. I thought I could get away
with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked
hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the
temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.
Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far
to find them.
I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to
play by different rules. The same boundaries that
apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this
shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my
mother, my wife's family, my friends, my
foundation, and kids all around the world who
admired me

I thought I could do whatever I wanted because I was rich and famous. It never occurred to me that my fame might actually make this an issue when it became public. Basically I was a sociopath who couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Then I got caught. That suuuuuucked.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not
what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you
overcome. Achievements on the golf course are
only part of setting an example. Character and
decency are what really count.

I'd like to repeat a quasi-profound quote that I cannot attribute to anyone but I guess it sounds good in this situation. Also, achievements on the golf course are in no way a vehicle for setting an example. Character and decenty are what really count.

Parents used to point to me as a role
model for their kids. I owe all those families a
special apology. I want to say to them that I am
truly sorry.

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. To those parents, I would like to say that you are shitty parents and maybe YOU should be the role models. I'm not really sorry.

As I proceed, I understand people have
questions. I understand the press wants to ask me
for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I
understand people want to know whether Elin and
I will remain together. Please know that as far as
I'm concerned, every one of these questions and
answers is a matter between Elin and me. These
are issues between a husband and a wife.

I've already made my wife look like a fool and she told me that if I ever go public with the details of my affairs she will make the beating she gave me on Thanksgiving look like a nice massage. Please don't make me explain. She scares me.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to
dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this
path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught
me at a young age. People probably don't realize
it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively
practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted
away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches
that a craving for things outside ourselves causes
an unhappy and pointless search for security. It
teaches me to stop following every impulse and to
learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was
taught.

I was a Buddhist until I realized that I was a billionaire and could do whatever the fuck I wanted. That was so much more fun. And the Buddhism totally got in the way of the cooze. I'm going to use the excuse that Buddhism is going to help me with my impulse control. Which I know is ridiculous. But doesn't this sound good?

As I move forward, I will continue to
receive help because I've learned that's how
people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will
leave for more treatment and more therapy. I
would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why
I'm making these remarks today.

People sometimes need help to change. But sometimes they need hope too. Like, I hope that Elin doesn't murder me in my sleep. And I hope I can start making hundreds of millions of dollars again while getting provided a bunch of free shit. Thanks to my friends at Accenture. And my colleagues who understand why I'm making this statement today, even though the timing is arbitrary and not very clear. But you know what I mean.

I want to thank the PGA TOUR,
Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their
patience and understanding while I work on my
private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow
players on the course.

I'll be kicking your asses at The Master's bitches! Woods. Out.

Do you hear that? It's the sound of people being reasonable.

2010-02-18T17:57:00.001-05:00

I like the Olympics. I really do. It's a phenomenal excuse to lay on your couch until 2am on a Tuesday and watch sports that you would otherwise be pissed off at if they were taking up valuable broadcast time any other day. Seriously, if I turned on my TV on a Saturday afternoon to watch college football and curling was on, my head would explode. But for two weeks every four years I just can't get enough of that goofy fucking sport. It's great. Women's ice hockey? Check. How flaming can Johnny Weir get before coming out of the closet? I can't wait to find out! Can I have more contempt and hatred for Bob Costas than I do right now? Abso-fucking-lutely! Last night, however, my enjoyment of the Olympics was nearly dashed.

First, I was watching snowboarding. Those hippies just iritate me. (Calm down Anonymouses. I feel perfectly justified in not liking people who don't really care if they lose and you shouldn't be back here reading my rants anyway.) Second, Shaun White's coach, well he, um, he CURSED!!! Obviously I was not concerned about the use of profanity on live TV. Frankly, I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old and think things like that are funny. What I do not find amusing, though, is when self-righteous dipshits (like the Anonymouses of the world) freak the fuck out when someone curses on TV.

I watched White clinch the gold, then I heard his coach say "fuck" and "shit." Immediately I thought, "Aww shit. Now there's going to be a fucking national freak-out over this." But much to my surprise and delightment (assuming that's a word) there was almost no mention of it today as I browse the internet and watch TV. Just as much as I get super fucking pissed off about little stupid things, I also get really happy about little stupid things too. This is one of those times. For once in this hypersensitive PC ~~world~~ country that we live in, everyone was able to take a step back and not try and form hands across America to save the kids from swear words. I almost don't want to talk about it. I'm afraid I'll jinx it. But know this: For at least approximately twenty one and a half hours, America was able to hold it's shit together and not freak the fuck out about two garbled words spoken at 11pm.

Bill Maher really puts it in nice perspective. (The whole thing is great but you can skip to the 4:40 mark.)

Do not fuck with old people

2010-02-17T11:34:00.000-05:00

Those two videos just guaranteed that I will have a good day today. There is something extremely gratifying about getting to see a douchebag get his ass kicked. All too often people get away with being obnoxious pricks just because the people they are being obnoxious pricks to decide to take the high road and be the bigger person. But sometimes, well, sometimes the obnoxious prick decides to fuck with the wrong person. In this case, a crazy old man reminiscent of Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Now, far be it from me to advocate violence, but I think that if more people would just take the initiative to blast every annoying jerk off in the face when they run into them, then we would see a dramatic drop in the number of annoying jerk offs that we have to deal with on a daily basis.

Urge to kill... rising

2010-02-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those times when you hear a piece of news and your eye actually twitches a little bit? Your blood pressure rises, your mind starts to race in an effort to understand what you just heard, and all the while, the eye is twitching. That happens to me more than is rational or what would be considered healthy. Usually it's about something inconsequential or only enraging to me personally because I'm sort of a psycho and get worked up over stupid shit all the time. This is not one of those times and if you don't agree with me you can go fuck yourself.

In case you haven't heard, the Olympics started on Friday. You know what I'm talking about right? The Olympics? Yeah, they have them every two years. It's a time for international harmony in the name of sport and friendly competition. It's a time when politics are set aside and financial status in the world can be ignored in the interest of everyone joining together to celebrate competition in a way that is pure. Of course I'm kidding. Money and politics have everything to do with the Olympics and the IOC is no stranger to corruption. But whatever. Anyone who is surprised that politics and corruption would play a part in the largest international events in the world is a naive douchebag.

So I don't get up in arms about stories that revolve around corruption scandals when it comes to international competition. It's just not worth it. And that's saying something, because I am willing to get up in arms about just about anything. What I will get pissed the fuck off about are stupid god damn rules and the arbitrary enforcement of them.

The goalie for the United States' ice hockey team, Jonathan Quick, has been ordered to remove the message "Support Our Troops" from his helmet. It is against IOC rules to have political propaganda displayed on uniforms in the Olympics. You know, that's OK. I agree that it's not appropriate to sport politically charged thoughts on your jersey or helmet, but guess what? "Support Our Troops" is not fucking political propaganda. It is a slogan used to remind those who may have forgotten that there are men and women who are currently putting themselves in harms way in order for us to be able to sit safely on our couches and watch fucking Olympic hockey. Propaganda is defined as information, ideas, or rumors deliberately spread widely to help or harm a person, group, movement, institution, nation, etc. "Support Our Troops" is not misinformation. It's not politically charged. It is not rumor or meant to help or harm anyone.

Quick didn't have "Hope" on his helmet. He didn't have "Blame Canada." He didn't have "The French are frog eating pussies who contribute dick all to the world." He had a show of support for the bravest citizens of our country. Fuck you IOC. Fuck you International Ice Hocky Federation. And for good measure, fuck you too Canada. Seriously, so far your Olympics have sucked. Hard.

Today is a special day!

2010-02-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today is the day that the first hypersensitive whiners made their appearance on Hypocritical Irony!

It's unfortunate that it needs to be explained but if not for hyperbole, snap judgements and sarcasm, Hypocritical Irony would not exist. For the most part it is a satirical and comedic blog (and comedy is subjective, and I think it's funny so cram arguments based on that statement up your ass) with a misanthropic tone. It's therapy for me to rant about stupid shit on a regular basis. It helps me to deal with the stress that comes with dealing with the public with a straight face or smile all day.

I won't apologize for saying mean things. Especially when they are said in jest. Except the times I talk about reality stars and Nancy Pelosi. I really do hate those people. And hippies. I honestly hate them too.

Anonymous and Anonymous both took issue with my most recent post about Graham Watanabe. I'm sure that what Watanabe was trying to express in his quote was that the feeling of being an Olympian again was magical. But you see, it's not funny to interperet it that way. It's funnier to call him a jackass and point out the absurdity of a member of a stereotypically stoner culture when he starts talking about unicorns and rainbows and what unicorn/pegasus offspring might be like to ride. To the comments!

I know Graham personally.It is obvious the gentleman with the big attitude does not.You could not be more "off" about a person unless you based your opinion on one statement.Only a complete ****** would do that.MMMM,Kinda makes you wonder doesn't it?

I'm glad you know him personally. I'm sure he's a great guy. And shit, he's obviously a world class athlete. And I did in fact base my opinion on one statement, because it's funny. And I've admitted in the past that I am also, in fact, a huge ass hole. So no. I don't really have to wonder.

When you say Graham is an embarassment to all Americans I half to say you do not speak for me nor do you speak for all americans.You do however make it perfectly clear that YOU are an embarassment to all americans.Anyone who knows Graham knows he does not remotely resemble the "character"you painted.

First of all you have to say. You don't half to say. Second, remember what I said a few minutes ago about hyperbole and sarcasm? Yeah. Go back and read that part. You were on to something with "character" though. That's exactly what I was doing. Of course I wouldn't maintain that everyone in America is embarrassed by him. Shit, half the people I knew in college probably had visions of unicorns and pegasuses getting it on then riding their offspring around on a rainbow. (They smoked a lot of pot you see.) And I'll leave the hypocrisy of the whole basis of the you can't speak for everyone but I can when I call you an embarassment to all Americans argument. And it's Americans, not americans, jerk off.

To be a fan of HI one needs to remove sticks from asses, get down off of high horses (or unicorns, whatever) and just enjoy some crude humor. If you don't like it, GTFO.

This is why sports like snowboarding should not be Olympic sports

2010-02-12T09:36:00.000-05:00

So the Opening Ceremonies for the Winter Olympics is tonight and the United States has fielded a... wait... what the fuck did he just say? From USA Today

Snowboarders have a reputation of being a bit flaky, so when U.S. snowboard cross racer Graham Watanabe told reporters Wednesday that his second Olympic appearance was like "Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth I somehow tame it and ride it to the sky and clouds and sunshine and rainbows," the quote seemed almost too good to be spontaneous.

Yup. Those are the words that came out of the mouth of a member of the U.S. snowboarding team. Now you listen up, dipshit. Douchebag hippies like you are why people have a problem with "extreme" sports being part of the Olympics. Of course I'd rather watch snowboarding than ice dancing, but when you make it perfectly clear that you are high as fuck when giving interviews people are going to take issue with that. It's bad enough that no one actually gives two shits about the winter games in the first place, but now you have to show everyone that you are your fucking flying rainbow colored unicorns are going to be representing America? Guh. Now you can just go ahead and take your Doritos and your bong and go back laughing at Sponge Bob because you are an embarassment to people all over the country.

And besides, everyone knows that the only place rainbows and unicorns belong is figure skating. Because it's gay, you see.

And Andy Samberg hits it out of the park

2010-02-09T12:32:00.000-05:00

I'm not a big Saturday Night Live fan. That, of course, is mostly because it usually sucks. But every once in a while a sketch will crack me up. I watched weekend update a week or two ago and it was quite funny. The jokes were sharp and it didn't look like Seth Meyers was trying too hard. This past weekend, though, Andy Samberg did a sketch where he portrayed Rahm Emanuel giving an apology for using the word "retard" and I found myself laughing loudly, by myself, at my desk while I watched it.

Now, I have absolutely zero problem with calling people retards (obviously) and I don't take offense when other people use the word. Of course I don't get offended when people use any words, unless they use them incorrectly (irony is not the same as coincidence ass holes) or spell them wrong. But the word retard is as special as the people it can offend because it doesn't engender the same type of response as, say, the "N" word does from society at large. Offense taken at the use of the word "retard" is usually confined to people who have a personal connection with a friend or family memeber who's a retard or hypersensitive jerkoffs who get off on getting offended.

But like any word that most people don't typically get offended by, if someone of consequence (like, say, the White House Chief of Staff) utters it then you better watch the fuck out because shit is about to hit the fan and a bull shit apology is right around the corner. Of course Emanuel didn't say it at a press conference. He didn't say it in a public venue at all. He said it in a meeting and he said it because the people he called "fucking retards" were acting like "fucking retards" and threatening to do something retarded. I admire Emanuel for the fact that he does not appear to take shit from anyone. By most accounts he is a ruthless bureaucrat who, while I don't happen to agree with politically, I can at least applaud for his, uh, candor. Unlike most who stalk Capitol Hill, Emanuel does not cow tow to political correctness. And anyone who refuses to be politically correct can be a friend of mine.

Which brings me to Andy Samberg's SNL sketch of Rahm Emanuel's "apology." This thing is funny on a few different levels. One, it portrays Emanuel as a lunatic with a horrible temper which no one, to the best of my knowledge, has ever denied is not accurate. Also, it pokes fun at those retarded god damn mea culpas that anyone in a position of power or celebrity has to give whenever they do something ill-advised, offensive or... retarded. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Don't you ever change Philadelphia

2010-02-05T16:48:00.002-05:00

Today was Wing Bowl 18. For the uninitiated Wing Bowl is an annual wing eating contest held in Philadelphia the Friday before the Super Bowl. Why the Friday before the Super Bowl you ask? Because the Eagles are never fucking in it. Thanks Donovan!! Basically 18,000 people pack the Wachovia Center to get blind drunk and stare at mostly naked chicks at around 6am. Now, I've never had the pleasure of attending Wing Bowl. This of course is because I am an employed, functioning member of society who usually doesn't start drinking until at least noon, but I still love the idea of Wing Bowl. It's hosted by a local sports talk radio station and embraces three things that I really love: boobs, wings and booze.

This year was a special year though. This year made me especially proud of the city I was born in. This year, the special guest at Wing Bowl was none other than the Jersey Shore's Snooki. For some unknown reason people find that little goblin attractive. I will never understand how or why. She fat. She's a midget. She's a bitch. And she's from New Jersey. What I'm trying to say is, she's a worthless human being with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And this morning the city of brotherly love treated her accordingly with a cascade of boos that warmed my heart. Philadelphia sports fans get a bad rap around the country. (Which is fucking bull shit, but that's a topic for another day.) But I hope that this morning's treatment of Snooki lets America know that in Philadelphia we are tough, but fair.

I'll pour that coffee right in your lap ass hole

2010-02-04T10:12:00.000-05:00

I like McDonalds just as much as the next guy. Sure it's horrifically bad for you in terms of nutrition, but sometimes a BigMac just hits the spot. One thing I never got, though, was how some people rave about their coffee. I'm not a coffee drinker so I really can't say I could tell the difference between McDonalds and Starbucks. The only thing I am sure about is that old people like to go through the McDonalds drive thru JUST to get a cup of coffee.

What I'm trying to say is that I've never really had a problem with McDonalds and especially not their coffee. Well, that was until I was subjected to that fucking douchebag in their latest commercial. If you haven't seen it, the commercial follows some prick who feels that he has the license to treat everyone around him like a piece of shit because he hasn't had his coffee yet. If you're reading this then you know that I get super fucking pissed off about really stupid shit. This is one of those times. That mother fucker deserves to get blasted in the face with a baseball bat.

Why do people feel that they are allowed to be a douchebag in the morning just because "I haven't had my coffee yet"? If I decided one morning to ignore everyone around me or treat them like useless pieces of shit and then explained myself by saying, "Don't talk to me until I've had my orange juice," I would be the ass hole. But no, if it's coffee you need in the morning please, by all means, treat me like an ass hole until you get your fucking caffeine fix.

In the spirit of full disclosure, by most accounts I am also a very big ass hole. But you would be hard pressed to find someone who would tell you that I am not polite. I have manners and detest people who don't. If you are being treated like an ass hole by me it's probably because you deserve it and not because I haven't had a fucking cup of coffee. Everyone is allowed to have bad days. Sometimes shit just isn't going your way and sure, go ahead, be a dickhead. But you can't just decide that every single morning of your life you are going to be an insuffereable douchebag because you haven't had a particular beverage. I hate that motherfucker in those commercials with a passion and I have to see him like 6 times a night while I try and relax after work.

Sorry for the long winded rant about a commercial, but I haven't had my morning glass of scotch yet. What? Oh, you can be a dickhead before coffee and it's OK but not before you've had some AM booze? Kiss my ass.

(Shitty commercial that pisses me off honorable mention comes from the radio. This particular commercial starts off with "If you owe the IRS money then you deserve a bail out!" No the fuck you don't douchebag. If you owe the IRS money it means you didn't pay your taxes. Fuck you.)

Well don't we have a nice impression of ourselves?

2010-02-01T18:05:00.000-05:00

A song that I really like is that Baz Lurman sun screen song that was really popular in the late 90s. I like it because the advice is sound and pretty accurate. But there's one line that says "you are not as fat as you imagine." Well here's the thing, a good self image is important. I, for example, think I'm the shit. But being realistic is also important. Sometimes you just are that fat or stupid or ugly. I tell you that so that I can talk about this.

So over the last few days there has been a trend on facebook where people were prompted to change their profile picture to a picture of a celebrity that they have been told that they resemble. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I swear to god, if people actually told some of these folks that they looked like the people they posted then those friends were either liars, blind or don't understand what the the phrase "look alike" means. Now I'm not saying the people that put their picture up are particularly unattractive as I try not to associate with people who are less than aesthetically pleasing.

What I'm saying is that I think a few people took a little too much license with what other people have told them. For example: Someone could tell me that I looked like a young Mel Gibson while I was in college. But that would be more like, "You were drunk and screaming about how Jews started all the wars in the world, you looked just like Mel Gibson." And then me thinking there was an actual aesthetic reseblance. See where I'm going with this? Another example would be that my fiancee told me once that I looked like Val Kilmer. This, actually, I can see. But what these people putting up certain pictures are doing is akin to me posting a pic of "Val Kilmer"

When in reality it's more like, "Val Kilmer."

Like I said though, it's good to have a healthy self-image. I've said many times that the reason I hold myself in such high regard is so that I know at least one person in the world at any given time thinks well of me. Of course I'm also a misanthropic a-hole, so that should be taken into account too. But let's be honest here. Also the women that I saw were much much guiltier of doing this than the men. I had to resist the urge to not type a reply that says "no, no you do not look like Kate Beckinsale" or whatever smoking hot woman they think they resemble. Some of them are attractive, to be sure, but just not that attractive.

Why did it have to be the ugly one?

2010-01-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian (pictured, you're welcome) are both ridiculously hot. Their sister Khloe (not pictured, you're welcome) is not. But guess who my favorite one is? The one who probably gets confused for Shrek. But why would the ugly one be my favorite you ask? I'll tell you. You see I've done a couple (seriously, like probably 3 or 4) altruistic things in my life and one of them is raising funds for and participating in Penn State's Dance Marathon. THON raises money for the Four Diamonds Fund which helps support children who suffer from cancer. It is a 48 46 hour event held every February at Penn State. No sitting, no sleeping, no kidding.

It is the most moving event I have ever had the opportunity to be a part of. And it is as uplifting as it is heartbreaking to spend a weekend with the kids who are stronger than any adult I have ever met in my life. This event, while being the largest student run philanthropy in the world is one that you actually rarely hear about outside of Pennsylvania. Naturally becaue it is important to me it should be just as important for everyone else and that's why I was very excited when I heard that Khloe Kardashian took to her blog and Twitter account in order to raise awareness of the event and solicit donations from her fans.

All it takes is a little bit of awareness of THON to sell you on it for life. I have yet to meet anyone who has had the opportunity to visit Penn State over THON weekend and not become a supporter of the cause which is, of course, the cure. So go watch the video below, visit the THON webpage then go to THON.org to make your donation. If you don't, I have no choice but to assume that you don't want sick kids to get better. (Wait, was that a guilt trip? Yes. Yes it was.)

Don't ever change Chris Matthews

2010-01-29T13:06:00.001-05:00

Like most people who try and affect an attitude that screams "I AM NOT INTOLERANT OF ANYTHING BECAUSE I'M A GOOD PERSON" Chris Matthews crashed and burned after Obama's State of the Union Address. What exactly did Matthews have to say? Why look at that! The video is on YouTube!

What. A. Retard. Let's take a deeper look at this analysis.

I was trying to think about who he was tonight. It’s interesting; he is post-racial, by all appearances.

First of all, he's the President of the United States. That's who he is and how he will be defined by history. And, if current trends hold, he will be known not as a black presidet but as a shitty one. And Obama has not ushered in an era that is what pseudo-intellectuals like to refer to as "post-racial." Having a black guy in the White House does not mean that race is not an issue in our country. It is. I know, I was just as shocked as you when I found out. To imply that it isn't because of the poor decision of 48% of the people who voted in November of 2008 is a ridiculous assessment that makes you sound like a pretentious jerk-off who is trying to score points in the who can be most not-racist game.

I forgot he was black tonight for an hour.

You're an idiot who just proved his ignorance while trying to showcase your enlightenment.

He’s gone a long way to become a leader of this country and passed so much history in just a year or two.

No. No he hasn't. In fact, he's done just the opposite. Obama is a divisive ideologue with a messiah complex and profound disconnect from the people he is in charge of leading. Amidst dropping approval ratings, a country that has made no headway in righting its proverbial ship, and a congress who couldn't come to an agreement on what toppings to get on a pizza let alone national policy, Obama had the balls to chastise his opposition for disagreeing with him. He is not a leader. He's a prick.

I mean it’s something we don’t even think about. I was watching and I said, wait a minute, he’s an African-American guy in front of a bunch of other white people and there he is, president of the United States, and we’ve completely forgotten that tonight — completely forgotten it.

Again, you're wrong. Yes we do think about it. You know why? Because you and your buddies won't let us forget it. And really? It just occured to you at some point during the speech that he's black? Was it when he talked about 40s and watermelon? I bet it was when he talked about 40s and watermelon. And he wasn't addressing a bunch of white people you prick. He was addressing a joint session of the United States Congress that consists of white, black, Hispanic and Asian individuals. And did you hear? They even started letting women in! You sound like a fucking moron. Duuurrrr, look at that colored fella up there! And he's the president? Well I'll be!

I think it was in the scope of the discussion, it was so broad ranging, so in tune with so many problems and aspects and aspects of American life.

Did you even watch that address you fucktard? Obama exhibited the exact opposite of what you just said for almost two hours. He focused on what was convenient for him to focus on. He omitted vast failures in his presidency and his party's handling of our country. He displayed a glaring lack of comprehension of where our country lies and what Americans want to hear about. He has absolutely zero concept of Americans or their lives.

Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it, but I am.

No, you shouldn't. But the reason you shouldn't talk about it is because you are a mouth breathing retard who should not be allowed to talk about anything. Ever. You have displayed a level of ignorance that is as profound as it is insulting to intelligent people. The next time you have a thought, look at the camera and just say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I just had a thought but I fear that I would make you dumber for having listened to it. Therefore I will just keep it to myself. Good night."

And the world (me) responded with "meh"

2010-01-28T10:44:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD! DID YOU HEAR?! STEVE JOBS AND APPLE INTRODUCED THE iPAD YESTERDAY!

Nerds and hipsters everywhere jerked off into their Mountain Dew and Starbucks (respectively) yesterday afternoon as the latest Apple product was introduced by Steve Jobs and the team that helped develop it. You would think that as a person who makes his living in the IT world that I would also be excited about Apple's latest endeavor. But, as it turns out, I'm not actually a huge dork and I really didn't give a fuck. It had nothing to do with the fact that my particular expertise is in PCs, that I find pretentious Mac users to be disdainful people who deserve to be shot or that their products are over-hyped and over-priced. It had to do with the fact that drooling with anticipation of anything is pathetic.

Having something to look forward to is a good thing. Anticipation is a wonderful feeling. But holy shit were people sporting some serious iPad hard-ons for this damn thing which, frankly, is not all that impressive. It's a big iTouch that lets you enjoy the same functionality as previous Apple products but, wait for it, it's BIGGER!! And the fact that the iPad sounds like a feminine hygiene product and that it is so profoundly unimpressive (seriously, even the development team and Jobs couldn't make it sound exciting) makes me happy. It was a nice, albeit unintentional, F-You to all those people who have been fantasizing about the thing and dreaming up all of the possibilities that could lie before them.

The devastating reality of the iPad's lack of innovation hit no one harder, apparently, than Hitler.

Oh, Hi There Schadenfreude

2010-01-25T13:03:00.001-05:00

My hatred for Brett Favre has been documented on Hypocritical Irony before. He is a selfish ass hole who for a reason I cannot fathom is not just allowed to be that way, but is celebrated in the sports world despite it. I don't begrudge someone for getting to make a living. I've never complained about the insane amount of money athletes make. They have a talent and they are compensated handsomely for it. Incidentally, the argument that actors are just like athletes because they are talented is retarded. Actors are just good at pretending. So is my 3 year old niece. Actors are over paid. And athletes, generally speaking are not self-filating, pretentious douchebags. Except, of course, for Brett Favre.

I won't even make the argument that he SHOULD retire. Every time I hear some fucktard get all bent out of shape because, "Why can't you just let him do his job? He has a right to earn a living." I want to fucking murder them. My argument is not that he should retire. He does, in fact, have every right to earn a living. But you know what he doesn't have the right to do? He doesn't have the right to pretend that he is above the game of football which, gosh darn it, he just has so much fun playing. For years and years the same "will he/won't he saga" has crippled the NFL off-season with speculation ad naseum. It's not fair to whatever organization is holding its breath about his decision. It's not fair to the teammates who won't know until half way through training camp who their quarterback is going to be. And it's not fair for fans of the NFL in general when every other story is forsaken for the Brett Favre angle.

For every contrived tear that he sheds, for every bull shit story about his daughter that the media jerks off too, for ever pain pill he pops, for every second of media over-exposure that I have to endure over the next 7 months, I will hope he dies in a fire. And for all of these reasons I was giddy with delight that last night, with the game on the line, that aw-shucks gunslinger came up small in the biggest game of the season. For the second time in three years I get to delight in the fact that Brett Favre's last pass as an NFL quarterback was an interception. How appropriate.

R.I.P. The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien

2010-01-23T12:04:00.002-05:00

I don't watch late night television every night. When I have the opportunity or inclination, it is usually to watch Letterman because he's a dick and I respect that. I never quite understood the whole Conan appeal because he always came off as kind of a spastic retard who got cheap laughs. And now I feel bad for not watching him. I don't like seeing bad things happen to good people. Bad things happening to bad people or those who otherwise annoy me are awesome, but bad things happening to good people is not something I enjoy.

Over the last few weeks I became fascinated with the whole Late Night controversy. It wasn't from a CoCo versus Leno standpoint though. I was fascinated with how the whole thing worked. The politics behind the situation make me look forward to the book about this whole fiasco with the anticipation of a nine year old on Christmas Eve. The more I've learned as I've followed the situation, however, the more I genuinely feel bad for Conan O'Brien. Yes, I feel bad for a guy who is getting paid tens of millions of dollars to be fired.

Last night I, like I'm sure more people than ever, tuned into Conan's last night hosting The Tonight Show. That shit was heartbreaking. I'm still more interested in the entertainment business politics that precipitated this whole ordeal but last night The Tonight Show was a platform for a nice man getting the only thing he ever wanted ripped from his hands. More accurately, it was a platform for a nice man to give the only thing he ever wanted back for the sake of its integrity. It became "The Tonight Show is bigger than me and I'd rather not have it than see it get destroyed."

By most accounts Conan is a comedian who dreamed of hosting The Tonight Show, paid his dues, waited longer than he should have, and finally got what he not only deserved but was promised (and contractually obligated by NBC to receive.) If his final address to his audience last night was honest, he was allowed to say anything he wanted. He could have used a few minutes to tell NBC to go fuck itself, Leno to gas up one of his cars and let it run in the garage as he drank a bottle of bourbon and ate a dozen vicodin, then said good night and walked away. Instead he took the high road. He didn't exactly thank NBC, but he did acknowledge that the network was the vehicle that allowed him to get to where he is today (which is ironic considering it is also the vehicle that is now running him over, backing up, and then running him over again.) The man was almost in tears as he thanked his fans and supporters. Do you know how much you have to love something to be sad about giving it up for 37 million dollars? That just shows me that Conan has a lot of integrity and is also one of those lucky people in the world who get to love what they do and get rewarded handsomely for doing it.

Of course he also said that cynicism is bad and he hates that attitude in people. Well to that I say, fuck that ginger. What does he know? If it wasn't for cynicism I wouldn’t have a blog that was read by literally TENS of people every week. Seriously though, it sucks to see a nice guy finish last. One can only hope that in the long run he will not, in fact, end up last but instead land on his feet doing what he loves on a network that will let him do it. Maybe it will be Fox. ABC? Animal Planet? Or maybe Letterman might want to retire soon and he can hand another show over to Conan. Oh the speculation will be riveting! What will Conan do? He's like the Brett Favre of late night TV. Except that I don't hope that he dies in a fire.

R.I.P. Jersey Shore

2010-01-22T13:58:00.002-05:00

With my recent rantings about Harry Reid and Mass-Holes, Hypocritical Irony took a turn, as it often does, towards how much I hate the selfish ass-clowns who ~~enjoy bending the public over and sodomizing them with policies they don't want or need~~ run our country. After a few weeks like that, I need to take time and reflect on the fact that there are real heroes in the world. People who can be looked up to. People who mean something to our society. This post is not about those people.

A few weeks ago Snooki, The Situation, JWoWW, Paulie and Ronnie and Vinny (Yes, I just did that from memory. And yes, now I want to kill myself.) took the country by storm with their MTV reality show Jersey Shore. At first I had no inclination to watch the show. The "stars" were basically celebrating everything I hate about people. Basically, if you told me to build a Frankenstein of suck and douchebaggery using the aspects of people that enrage me every day, my monster could very possibly look like any member of that cast.

But as I said, I was not interested in the show. Not even from a train wreck perspective, which is surprising, because I looove me some train wrecks. Of course the fiancée wanted to watch it though. The first episode that I watched actually made me mad. It was unlike any reality show I had ever seen. The rest of MTV and VH1's stable of famewhores were just that: famewhores. You knew there was an agenda and that Rock of Love or Shot at Love or whatever iteration you choose were really just being used as stepping stones to a new career in show business. This was not so with the cast of Jersey Shore. As I watched I realized that there was no pretense or charade. Those vapid, selfish, vein, fuckers were really just being themselves. And they didn't care who saw it because they couldn't fill a thimble with the amount of self-awareness they possess... COMBINED.

The second time I watched it though I became intrigued. Instead of letting myself get mad at how badly those people sucked, I became fascinated with them. How could someone actually live their lives this way? Could people really be that oblivious to the world around them and how they come off to other people? Suddenly, The Situaion repeatedly getting shot down but never giving up trying to get laid without even a thought to his most recent failure became entertaining. In a disturbing kind of way, their lack of self awareness made me almost envious. What would it be like? I would wonder. What if I could actually go through a day without a single care in the world besides sex and alcohol? What if I could just walk out of my job and with 100% authentic exasperation and with out a hint of irony lament an 8 hour work day at the beach as too exhausting to be considered humane?

The intrigue and fascination are what made the show watchable. Sure after that meathead gym teacher blasted Snooki in the face I kind of thought that, while it was wrong of him to hit her, she was kind of asking for it. But at the same time, she didn't know better. Every retarded thing that those people did I could explain away with that notion. They didn't know better. Or, it's just the way they are. Those two excuses are never ever acceptable to me. But somehow, in the context of the Jersey Shore they were perfectly plausible and made everything better. And for that, Jersey Shore, for making me for a brief moment be able to just laugh at and not want to murder some selfish, arrogant, retarded douchebag, I thank you.

You will be missed.

Oops!

2010-01-20T17:42:00.000-05:00

For a second there I almost stopped being cynical. I have to send a heartfelt thank you to my friend Alex, after a brief Facebook (I know, fuck me too) exchange we had today. (Funny aside: When I first met Alex, every time we saw eachother I would proposition her for sex with great vulgarity. The first time I didn't her response was, "What? No 'wanna fuck'?" And the answers to your questions are: yes, she's cool. And yes, I really am that big of a dick.) She posted a status update that said "If the pl of freakin Mass. don't want the Dems... what does that say about trends in public opinion?" I replied that that makes me think that the general public is not quite as retarded as I thought. Her very poignant response was that I should never underestimate the stupidity of the masses and that even her dog can learn from mistakes. I could only reply with "touche."

I am more than a little bit embarrassed that for a whole day I forgot that liberal New England douchebags are not really anything more than, well, liberal New England douchebags. And I am even more embarrassed that I also forgot that people are generally idiots. I work with the public every day and the amount of idiocy that I encounter is mind numbing. Fortunately for you, though, the general moronic state of everyone besides myself is what led to H.I. in the first place. (You can thank the next person who says "Is it hot enough for you?" for my misanthropic rantings.)

That being said, I do have to thank those Mass-Holes for sacking up yesterday and sending Scott Brown to Washington and that Pelosi wannabe, harpy bitch Martha Coakley packing. His acceptance speech last night was fantastic. He might as well have given the Democrat establishment double fingers, screamed "SUCK IT!!" and walked off the stage. It made me feel good that for a few hours on a Tuesday in January a historically and unchallenged Blue State turned redder than Clinton's face when he had to admit that the best ass the leader of the free world could pull was a fat White House intern. It gave me a little faith, though fleeting, that people are not mouth breathing retards ALL the time. It gave me faith that rational thought can occasionally prevail over ideology and ignorance. But, as I said, my faith in people was fleeting. Though it was nice while it lasted you have to remember that cynicism and rational thought are what progress is made of. Seeing one good thing happen and thinking that now ONLY good things will happen from now on are what pipe dreams and jackassery are made of.

So, thank you Mass-Holes. You made the right choice. For once. But I know you and your ilk will be back with your shitty, liberal, hippy agendas soon enough. But I would urge you and your fellow liberals to realize that while you like to idealize certain philosophies and causes because you think everyone should be equal and happy while being supplied with whatever they want; because everything should be fair; because hard work and accountability are for suckers; that the world is not a perfect place and just because something is good in theory does not necessarily make it good or helpful in practice.

You know what? Fuck you Harry Reid.

2010-01-12T12:53:00.000-05:00

Contrary to popular belief, I actually do like lots of different things. And I don't hate everyone either. In fact, I like lots and lots of people. Harry Reid is not one of them. That arrogrant fuck can kiss my ass. Everytime you see him on TV he has his smarminess exuding from his pores like the stench of scotch out of an alcoholic's. That ass hole makes Joe Buck look modest and humble. And as with most pretentious individuals he is completely and embarassingly full of shit. Oh, he's also a hypocrite.

So apparently during the '08 election season, Reid, while speaking about Barack Obama, said that Americans were ready to embrace a black president who was, "a 'light-skinned' African American 'with no Negro dialect." Ho. Lee. Shit. How fucking retarded do you have to be? Everyone knows that any poignant or comical racial remark begins first by looking over both shoulders and dropping your voice to a whisper. But when you are the leader of the mother fucking United States Senate, you don't even THINK those things.

But whatever. I don't really give two shits what he had to say about Obama. I don't care that he apologized or that the president accepted his apology. What I very strongly care about is the double fucking standard that he and his Democrat douchebag buddies hold themselves to. Reid has basically laughed off the event as a non issue. "Eh, I apologized. Barry said it was OK. We're cool." (Not an actual quote of course.) But what if Sen. Reid (D-NV) was Sen. Reid (R-NV)? I'll fucking tell you. His ass would be run out of the Senate chamber faster than Usaine Bolt could finish the 100M. He would be labeled a racist and liberals all over the country would flip shit while calling for his resignation of not only his leadership position but his seat in the Senate as well. There would be no room for an intolerant conservative ass hole like that in the Senate I tell you! He would be shamed out of his office and he and Imus would have to ride off into the sunset together.

Oh, you don't think that's how shit would go down? Really? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not saying that either man is right in saying insensitive things. Frankly, I think Reid's comment is absoultely hysterical. I'm just furious at the hypocrisy surrounding the situation. The worst part is that Democrats are not self aware enough to even see the similarities and acknowledge that they are being hypocritical in their treatment of Reid in light of Lott's treatment less than 10 years ago. I am embarassed for our society when hypocrisy and political correctness are able to trump reason and intelligent thought.

What has two thumbs and is having a shitty day?

2009-12-30T11:49:00.012-05:00

This guy. Today sucks. It's the last full day of work before New Years' Eve and a long weekend so for all intents and purposes I should be happy. But come on now. I used up all my "happy" on my new Phillies jersey and Penn State rug for my basement. Now the holiday hangover is starting to settle in and the freakin' holidays aren't even over yet. To make matters worse, everywhere I turn today I see something that just piles onto the mound of frustration and rage that I've been suppressing because it's a happy time of year. So, hey there blog! Time for some end of 2009 ranting about people I hated and things that made me angry over the last 12 months. These are some of the things, by the way, that made me start a blog to vent before having a stroke. You're welcome.

People who are famous for having too many kids.

Hey Octomom! Hey Jon and Kate! I hope 2010 finds you burning to death in a fire. The only hope your children have of becoming normal, well adjusted members of society who are not permanently scarred by your selfishness and greed is for you to cease to exist. Did that ever occur to you either? I'm pretty sure that if I realized one day that only my death could help to make my child's life better I would have a pretty quick about face when it came to life decisions. Incidentally, life decision #1 should always be: DON'T HAVE MORE KIDS THAN YOU CAN RESPONSIBLY TAKE CARE OF.

Michael Jackson and the shit storm he caused when he died.

Jacko can get fucked too. Was I the only person in the world who thought it was a travesty that he hijacked the world's attention for longer than 30 seconds when he died? The dude was, at best, a mentally unbalanced man-child; and, at worst, a pedophile who's inappropriate behavior was overlook as eccentric because he was relevant in the United States 20 fucking years ago.

Liberals and Democrats.

Maybe if they didn't spend six months patting themselves on the back for getting a black dude into the Oval Office they could have accomplished something tangible in 2009. Those hypocritical douchebags have not come through on any promises or even god damn ideas that they had over the last 12 months. Economy? Sucks. Still. Health care? Not reformed. Still. (Which is OK by me.) Wars? Going strong. Both of them. Still. I mean holy shit. Even Ted Kennedy decided to die rather than be a part of their fucktardery. The day I don't have to see those smug pricks Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid on my TV will be a happy happy day indeed. And if there's one thing that they are better at than anything else, it's blaming other people for their own faults. When you run the government, the media and Hollywood and STILL can't get everyone on board them maybe the problem is with you. You think?

People rationalizing mistakes, trivializing disgraces and apologizing for douchbaggery just because you're famous.

Roman Polanski. Chris Brown. Kanye West. Lindsay Lohan. Michael Vick. Just to name five for the sake of space we have, in order: a rapist, a wife beater, a douchebag, a multiple felon, and a sociopath. We also have, in order: a millionaire living without punishment in a chateau in France, a millionaire who is not in jail but instead lamenting his lack of album sales, a millionaire who is not in prison (I fully contend that if you are an obnoxious and pretentious douchebag that that should be a punishable criminal offense,) yup she's free too (nice work LAPD!!,) and another millionaire whose transgressions were wiped under the carpet because he can run fast. I hate anyone who feels they are entitled to anything just because of their social or economic status. If I raped a 13 year old I would go to jail and be murdered and people would think I got what I deserved. (Which is, in fact, what I would deserve.) But you have someone like Polanski who makes good movies and, hey, it was a long time ago!!

The Yankees.

They didn't do anything wrong per se. They just beat the Phillies in the World Series because they were better than them. So, yeah, fuck those guys.

Political correctness.

I despise people who live their life by a strict PC standard. I don't. (Clearly.) And I feel it takes a profound lack of self respect and conviction to live your life by someone else's standards instead of your own. I was reminded of how disgraceful political correctness can be in the wake of the failed terrorist attack this month. Do you remember when it was decided that there were no longer "terrorist attacks" but instead "man caused disasters?" I do. Fuck you for calling despicable acts of cowardice anything other than what they are.

Their, there, they're.

Listen up. English is a relatively complex language because of all the different influences other languages have had on it. There is absolutely no reason, however, that mistakes in the use of these five words cannot be eliminated with a half second of thought. Their indicates possession. As in: Their lack of intelligence makes my head hurt listening to the cast of The Jersey Shore. There refers to a place. As in: You are a retard and I can't keep listening to you so I'm going over there. They're is a contraction of they and are. As in: They're going to make me bang my head on the wall with their idiotic comments. Write that down. Remember it. (And the same goes for then and than. Then is denotes time or order. Than is used for a comparison. For example, it is a disgrace that the use of the word "than" even needs to be explained to people older THAN six. And, If you can't comprehend this, get a gun THEN shoot yourself.)

Swine Flu.

I had it and it was horrendous. Ugh. The only thing more sickening was the obsessive media coverage and over reaction to it.

Bernie Madoff, Wall Street CEOs and other thieves.

These people ruined lives. And I don't mean that figuratively. People were ruined. Completely. Why? Out of greed. Pure and simple. Madoff was but the most conspicuous financial criminal of the year. But the men on their thrones on Wall Street and those perched above the rest of us from their cushy executive posts at those "too big to fail" companies should be taken from their lofty pedestals and summarily thrown from them. If you knowingly and consciously make yourself wealthy beyond comprehension at the devastating expense of those who trust you, you are worth less than the shit on the bottom of my shoe no matter how many zeroes are on the end of your annual bonus.

Twitter.

It's ironic that I would be incensed by a public forum to air your thoughts, cares, grievances, etc. After all, since about May I've taken to this blog to rant and rave about all kinds of retarded shit. Twitter, however, is different. I do not know a single person in this world who needs to alert everyone about every little thing that pops into their head. As a matter of fact, most of the people that I know should be specifically banned from sharing the shit that pops into their head. It's also the 140 character minimum. It commands that your thoughts lack insite and depth. It requires a self absorbed shallowness that is becoming frighteningly pervasive in our society today. It should be noted, however, that the only reason there is not a Hypocritical Irony Twitter page is because Hypocritical Irony was too long for a name. I took that as a sign, closed the page and thanked god I didn't go through with it.

Well that was only a miniscule piece of the "Shit That Pissed Me Off" pie, but what do you know? I feel better now and am considerably less aggravated THAN I was when I started typing. Hypocritical Irony has been quite therapeutic for me this year and I hope I made some of the poor souls who've been subjected to my rantings at least laugh a few times along the way. But really, I'm not concerned with that as much as I am with keeping my blood pressure under control and blood vessels in my brain un-ruptured. What can I say? I'm selfish like that.

Happy New Year.

Hey Coed Magazine, how about you stop pretending you're something you're not

2009-12-22T14:34:00.007-05:00

Year end lists are a useless exercise to be sure. So are the chic decade end lists that are so popular this time around. No two people have the same tastes. I don't care what someone else's favorite movies were for the year. And do you know why? Because it is useless for me to know what someone else enjoyed. When I was younger I would get shit from my parents when I wanted to go see Adam Sandler movies, and they would tell me about how the movie got terrible reviews. My response was always the same: "Well how many of the reviews were written by 12 year old boys?" So until someone pays me to make a list, or pays another 27 year old dude who likes vampire movies, toilet humor and gratuitous nudity to make a list you can take yours and kiss my ass.

The only thing worse than people trying to summarize an entire year, let a lone decade's worth, of whatever arbitrary topic they choose is when they have to get pretentious about it. I loath pretentious people. When I rule the world if you start acting like a stuck up prick it will be perfectly legal for someone to give you a good hard nut shot. I know that I am loud and obnoxious. I also think I'm right about everything. (Which is basically because I am, you see.) But I do not look down my nose at people who have different opinions than me. I might think they are retarded but I'm not going to be pretentious about it. The easiest way for people who make lists to hop on the pretentious douchebag bandwagon is to add some kind of retarded choice into their collection to show everyone just how not shallow/introspective/sensitive they are. Take People Magazine for example.

Every year they come out with their list of the most beautiful people. And every god damn year I look at that list and scratch my head. Rumer fucking Willis? Seriously? That bitch looks like one of those "If They Mated" mash ups on Conan. Michelle Obama? Look, I know she's the First Lady but go ahead and tell me with a straight face that she couldn't fit her fist in that yapper of hers. She is not an attractive woman. Beautiful People lists are supposed to be shallow and superficial. They are supposed to be made up of people that are nice too look at. And I understand the idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but based on pure aesthetics, a most beautiful people list should be one of the most easily agreed upon lists out there. Go ahead and find a guy who wouldn't cut off his pinky for 10 minutes with Marissa Miller.

Anyway, when I'm being productive at the office by browsing the web and see "66 Women Who Wowed Us" I have certain expectations. Those expectations, while specific, are quite simple: 66 hot women who I would like to see naked, dressed in as little clothing as possible, preferably on a bed or beach. So I click the link and the first face I see is Zooey Deschanel. Meh. I can see the appeal for some people. I happen to prefer her sister, but OK we're still good. Second face: Lady fucking Gaga. Are you mother fucking kidding me? That fug bitch looks like she was beaten in the face with a brick. She looks like something that would turn up in one of Tim Burton's movies or something. Like some kind of image someone would see in a nightmare. But still, I guess there are guys out there who can see that she has a decent body and invest in a nice brown bag. Then we start to get into business with Penelope Cruz, Ms. Miller, Eva Mendes, Sofia Vergara and a bunch of chicks I've never heard of but now want to see naked. That is until....

BAM!!

Susan Boyle is in this gallery. Now you listen up Coed Magazine. You fuckers have a very specific purpose. You focus on things that I hold very near and dear to my heart: women, booze, sports, comedy and popular culture. You're good at your job and you cater to the "Frat Guy" set very well. Now don't go getting fucking pretentious on me you ass holes. Susan Boyle has no place on your website unless it is on a list titled "People Whose Disappearance Would Make The World A Prettier Place" sandwiched right between Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton. I understand that the list was titled "66 People Who Wowed Us" and not "Hot Chicks You Want To Nail" but come the fuck on dudes. It's about expectations and I could give a flying fuck how great Susan Boyle is at singing. She is hideous to look at and really that's all I care about. So how about you pull your shit together, make a follow up to your expose on hand bras, and stop trying to pretend to be sympathetic to some ugly old lady with a good singing voice.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Prepared for hypocrisy? Be prepared for hypocrisy

2009-12-16T12:42:00.004-05:00

No, I did not forget that I went on a 500 word diatribe against Chris Brown yesterday for being a douchebag for how he treated his girlfriend. Yes, I know that I proceeded to go on about how I would never disrespect or harm a wife or girlfriend of mine. Or any woman for that matter. Respect for women is very important. That being said, let's talk about Erin Andrews and her statements (as reported by the NY Daily News via Deadspin) that she made in court when faced with her stalker that video taped her naked in her hotel rooms in three different states.

"I am a victim of this sexual predator. I would like to see him immediately put in prison for as long as possible," Andrews, 31, told the judge.

Yes, she was a victim. And damn right she should want to see him get sent away. The dude's a pervert and it was a gross invasion of privacy. The fact that he'll get high-fived by the prison guards and that he's a hero to ESPN fans everywhere is irrelevant.

"I walk in crowds and I see him in my peripheral vision. When I'm alone in my house, I have fears that he's going to walk inside and hurt me."

That is also perfectly understandable. A little paranoid? Probably. But can you imagine what it would be like? That paranoia would kick your ass if one day you woke up and there was video of you naked in your bedroom or hotel room. Of course if people had to see a video of me naked in my room I'd feel more apologetic than paranoid or embarrassed, but that's just me.

"I don't know him. I've never met him. I don't know why he chose me. But I hope he never sees the light of day again."

Aaaand here's where I have a problem. Really? You don't know why he chose you? Have you looked in the mirror? Have you seen the freakin' video? Allow me to refresh your memory.

OK, ladies, you can just put your pitch forks down right the fuck now. I am in no way implying that what this scum bag did was appropriate or that it was deserved in any way at all. I'm just saying that maybe for a minute we could step back and think about how utterly ridiculous that statement is. The only reason she's even on TV is because she's hot and knows sports. Trust me, I know plenty of people (male and female) who know a whole lot about sports that would not make it on TV. Who is she kidding? I don't even mind that she wants him to go to jail for the rest of his life. Like I said yesterday, I'm all about ridiculous punishments for doing shady/douchebag things because, hey, I'm never going to drill a peep hole in someone's hotel room and video tape them naked. But to pretend that there is any reason other than the fact that she's gorgeous and famous behind why this guy "chose" her is patently ridiculous. I just wish we could be realistic about this. I remember when a reporter asked Melania Knauss (Trump's wife) if you couldn't make an argument that she wouldn't be dating him if he wasn't rich, her reply was along the lines of "Would he be with me if I wasn't beautiful?" Arrogant? Sure. Conceited? You betcha. Honest? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I'm not here to say that it's OK to objectify women. They are people too. Except for reality show stars. I still think Tila Tequila is an alien from outer fucking space. And don't get me started on that midget Snooki from "Jersey Shore." I'm not here to say that it's OK to video tape them naked in a hotel room. Unless, you know, that's what they're into. What I'm here to say is, if you are a woman and you are going to make a living off of your good looks then don't get up on your soap box and bitch and moan like you are shocked that men would objectify you. If you can't handle that then go home, grab some donuts en route and have at 'em. Trust me, in 50 or 60 pounds no one will be video taping you naked. Fatty.

Chris Brown is a bigger douche than I thought

2009-12-15T12:21:00.005-05:00

I know. I was surprised too. This morning sucked. I woke up and flipped on the news to see Joe Biden running his mouth about Afghanistan and Pakistan and how it was a good idea to bail out company's who were run by incapable, greedy, fucktards. I looked out the window and it was raining. Then I look at the scroll at the bottom of the screen and see that Chris Brown is angry that his new album is being boycotted. Chris Brown, you'll remember is the guy who made Rhianna go from looking like this:

To looking like this:

In his Twitter feed he had this to say:

“I’m tired of this shit. Major stores are blackballing my cd. Not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. What the fuck do i gotta do…”

This is what you "gotta do" douchebag. DON'T FUCKING BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! I swear to god dude, it's really easy to do. And holy crap. You have to have a brass set to actually get indignant about people taking issue with the fact that you beat a woman.

By many accounts I am not a nice person. I have a surly disposition, I whine a lot and I really really love being sarcastic. There is also only a very short list of things that I will never, ever, do in my life. They are as follows: cheat on my wife, beat a woman, dudes, kids and acid. Definitely won't ever do acid. You can't have the misanthropic world view that I have and expect to have a nice chemically induced mental vacation. But yeah, that's basically it. Put enough drinks in me and you could probably convince me to do just about anything else if the argument is compelling enough.

I have zero respect for any man who would hit a woman because it's not a fair fight. (Go ahead, make an argument that that means it's wrong for one guy to beat the shit out of a smaller guy if the smaller guy is being a douchebag. Go ahead, I dare you, jackass.) And to have the balls to turn around and not understand why people might not want to give your their money because you did just that is profoundly retarded. And even if you don't get why people would take issue with you stomping on your girlfriend, how retarded do you have to be to question them. You're at least AWARE that people don't like it. But to rub their face in it? Guh.

It's people like Chris Brown that make me wish we could get creative with our justice system and the way punishments are meted out. Eye for an eye, baby! You beat your wife, she gets to club you with a baseball bat. You touch a kid, BANG!, gen-pop in a state correctional facility, scumbag. You kill someone, you get killed back. It takes a special kind of loser to do those things and you should pay the punishment. Oh, your latest album didn't debut as high as you would have liked it to Chris? How about you shut your mouth and be glad you aren't getting your ass stomped in prison. Ass hole.

Yes, I know. It's winter so the rain could be snow. Jackass.

2009-12-09T08:58:00.002-05:00

Well it's officially that time of year folks. No, not Christmas. I'm talking about the time of year when every time it rains some jerk off has to say "Well you know, if it was 10 degrees colder we'd have like 6 ft of snow." And my personal favorite, "You know for every inch of rain we get it would be 10 inches of snow." Every god damn time it rains in the winter you have to deal with these fucktards.

Listen up Masters of the Obvious. We know. If it was colder there could be snow. But if it was colder maybe this particular pocket of precipitation wouldn't be hovering above us right now. It's just such a retarded observation. Do you really need to share this little tid bit with us? It's rates along with "Is is hot enough for you?" on the scale of idiotic things that living breathing pains in the ass like to say just to try and start a conversation or hear themselves speak. Neither reason, by the way, is a good reason to communicate with someone else. I do not deny the fact that I will turn my damn ears off when I hear someone start saying retarded things. And frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If I started rambling on and on about obvious points that don't need to be vocalized I would fully expect someone to either ignore me or tell me to STFU.

Go ahead people. Share with someone today, as we deal with a terrible rain storm in the greater Philadelphia area, that "Durrr at least it's not snow. 'Cause you know every inch of rain is like 10" of snow." Of course if you're dumb enough to do that you've probably stopped reading this blog months ago because you were offended. Oh, and you also deserved to be punched in the balls.

People like this are what give conservatives a bad name

2009-12-04T15:39:00.004-05:00

On Monday night, as a favor to my fiance and her brother-in-law, I agreed to go to the sister and brother-in-law's house so they could talk to me about their church. I knew going in that I was going there to be preached at so it's not like I was surprised when I walked in the door. Now, I'm not a religious person. I was raised in a Catholic family and went to church and CCD until I enrolled in a Catholic high school. I know all about The Bible and Jesus and blah, blah, blah. Today, though, you won't find me in a church unless someone is getting married or someone died. You might be able to make the argument, too, that that's because, well, I was raised in a Catholic family and went to church and CCD until I enrolled in a Catholic high school. For over 20 years I did the religion thing. But I never bought into it. It just wasn't for me and eventually I just stopped going because frankly I felt like a hypocrite. And I haaaaaate feeling like a hypocrite. But I digress. So we get to the brother-in-law's house and Ho. Lee. Shit.

They put on the full court press. They split up the fiance and me, took us to different rooms, and proceeded to go through their spiel about The Four Spiritual Laws. At multiple parts they would ask questions about whether or not I had accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. The answer, of course, was always no. These people were hard core. I was told that I wouldn't go to heaven and that they really wanted to see me there. They told me that as great as I thought America is (they are Korean,) heaven is a thousand times better. They were seriously disappointed, I think, when I didn't drop to my knees praising Jesus. In a way I felt bad for them. Their blind faith seemed unfortunate to me. But the one guy puts up siding for like fifteen hours a day to support his family. You know what? If I had to do that shit I'd want to hang every last hope I had on a prayer that there was something to look forward to when I die instead of just not having to work any more. But they were nice enough and the way they talked about JC made it apparent that it made them happy. And whatever, if it makes them happy who am I to begrudge them that.

I don't mind when people have different opinions than me. If they want to be wrong that's their prerogative. I might think that having certain points of view make you unrealistic, un/mis-informed or, say, mind numbingly retarded (I'm looking at you reality TV fans;) but that does not mean that I think that they are not entitled to their opinion. That's why some of my least favorite people on this planet are the ones who try and jam their points of view down the throats of other people who don't share the same views. Now I'm not talking about the kind hearted people who wanted to share with me their love for Jesus, I'm talking about the blow hard douchebags who do not respect differing opinions and proceed to try and manipulate you into coming over to their side by shaping every single aspect of the world in such a way that you can't make a truly informed decision. People like these mouth breathers.

I identify as a conservative and Republican and I've said before that that does not automatically make me some kind of intolerant asshole. And you know why people often times automatically assume that I'm an intolerant asshole? It's because of people like those fucktards at Conservapedia.com. What. The. Fuck? Re-translate the Bible to filter out imaginary liberal propaganda? Those people should get shot in the face.

"Professors are the most liberal group of people in the world, and it's professors who are doing the popular modern translations of the Bible," said Andy Schlafly, founder of Conservapedia.com, the project's online home.

Really asshole? You think that there's a cabal of liberal professors out there secretly trying to subvert conservative society with the mother fucking Bible? Yeah, this is a good idea. Get a bunch of amateurs together who may or may not have any real experience with ancient languages or theology at all and set them loose on a book that has been translated thousands of different fucking ways anyway. I hate you Andy Schlafly. I hate you because it's people like you who fuel the fire of liberals who want to put ME under the same tent as a fucking lunatic with a stick up his ass like you.

Now if only there was a paragraph in this story that might, say, give an example of how big of a dumbass this guy is while also giving us an idea of how he turned out this way. Oh, wait. Here we go:

"The best of the public is better than a group of experts," said Schlafly, whose mother, Phyllis, is a longtime conservative activist known for her opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment.

Actually, no, you idiot. It's not. That's why they are "experts." You ever get sick? Did you go to fucking Yahoo Answers to find out what was wrong with you and how to proceed or did you instead go see a doctor? A, you know, expert. On the surface it sounds like he's making some kind of profound proclamation, like: "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king." But no. Instead he's displaying his ignorance of reason and rational thought for all the world to see.

And his mom was a conservative activist? There is nothing more annoying and usually blind to anything but their own ridiculous philosophies than an activist. They are vile human beings. They are the type that picket. They throw red pain on people wearing fur. They make outrageous claims in support of their cause regardless of their veracity. I can't stand them. And what's that? Oh, she opposed the Equal Rights Amendment. Splendid. So she was intolerant AND she had what was probably an embarrassingly inappropriate and uninformed idea of what conservatism is? Well there you go. 1 + 2 = Andy Schlafly. And you get bonus douchebag points for being from Jersey, fucker.

CBS gets a bum rap

2009-12-03T13:53:00.001-05:00

CBS gets a bum rap just because it likes to churn out cookie-cutter crime procedurals like a fame hungry couple with no morals churns out kids in the hopes of landing a reality show. The network's programming also gets a bad rap because it likes to create spin-offs of said procedurals ad nauseum. Seriously, NCIS:Los Angeles is a spin-off of NCIS which is a spin-off of JAG. They actually have a spin-off of a spin-off. Their comedy programming gets slammed too. I suppose that's because it's pretty generic and basically un-offensive.

Well you know what? I like CBS. I like NCIS and Numb3rs and the CSIs. I like Rules of Engagement, How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. And I'm not going to apologize for it. Oh, your pretentious tastes in television don't like that? Too fucking bad. Believe me, I like my edgy FX programming and the prime time comedy on NBC is some of the smartest that the small screen has seen in years, but sometimes when it's 10 o'clock on a weekday night and I've had a shitty day, I just like to turn my brain off and laugh at some predictable sitcom joke. Oh, Charlie Sheen, your thinly veiled reference to penises and sex never get old. And really, if you can't figure out who the bad guy is in those procedurals 8/10 times, you're functionally retarded.

That's why when I saw this video on YouTube it really made my day. CBS spliced dialogue from How I Met Your Mother with video from Frosty the Snowman. Have you ever heard Frosty the Snowman brag about his porn collection? How about listing all of the women he's nailed? No? Well in that case then, you're welcome.

And Bowden quits first!

2009-12-01T12:27:00.006-05:00

The man to the left is going to go down as the winningest coach in Division 1-A college football.

Bob Costas sucks. He has always struck me as the scrawny little kid who could never actually participate in sports so he put his full attention into learning the sport and the stats to go along with it only to become a smug ass hat who thinks he is more important than he actually is. I had a conversation a few years ago at a graduation party with an executive at NBC Sports and he was sharing with me what a whiny little bitch Costas is and how he would have to constantly field phone calls from him essentially telling on people who were mean to him.

The only time I have ever respected Costas was when he interviewed Joe Paterno two years ago and asked him, point blank, if his own mortality played a role in his decision to keep coaching into his 80s. Paterno basically responded that it did not but did have a wonderfully sarcastic tone to it that made me hear in my head, "Of course not you retard. Next question." I thought that it was incredibly ballsy for Costas to ask that question. Obviously there is not a Penn State fan around who has not thought the same thing and discussed it over beers at a Happy Valley bar. You always hear those stories about men who live their lives for their work and once they retire they just die. It was a valid question and Costas asked it.

That being said, I'll place the over/under on how long it takes that crazy old bastard Bobby Bowden to kick the bucket once he announces his retirement this afternoon at 3 months. That's one month for every win that he currently trails JoePa as the winningest coach in Division 1-A football suckas!

Random sports free for all

2009-11-30T16:55:00.007-05:00

So the NFL season is winding down, playoff pictures are starting to get a little clearer and each game is more important than the last. But today I don't care about any of that. I care about three things in the world of sports.

1: Charlie Weis got fired today.
2: Pete Carroll is a fucking douchebag.
3: Tiger Woods got beat up by his wife with a golf club.

What a great Monday!

First, Weis. Don't let the door hit your fat ass on the way out dick head! For every Notre Dame fan out there, there's a Notre Dame hater. Frankly, I'm indifferent. I do, however, think that fraudulent Notre Dame fans are huge douchebags. Just because you happen to be Irish does not mean you should be a fan of Notre Dame. You get to be a fan of The Irish if you went to school in South Bend, if you grew up in South Bend or MAYBE if you have a close family member or spouse who attended the university. One of my biggest pet peeves are people who just adopt sports teams to root for. Geography and institutes of higher education that you attended are what should dictate your athletic allegiances. If you are a Cowboys fan who is not from Texas, fuck you. If you are a Yankees fan who is not from New York, fuck you. If you are a Patriots or Red Sox fan, actually, fuck all of those people. So it's more the fans than the institution that makes me hate Notre Dame. At least that was the case until five years ago when that big bag of lard called Charlie waddled his gock into South bend. Weis is just a smug piece of shit and I got a whole lot of joy watching him blow for the last several years. Talk about an overrated coach. Now he's fired. And that makes me happy, although it would have been nice to watch him drive that program into the ground for the next half decade but like I said, it's not the program that I hate, it's most of the fans.

Pete Carroll is another college football coach who I really love to hate. I really have no real reason to other than that, you know, he's won national championships lately and Penn State hasn't. Sure he beat them at the Rose Bowl last year but that's really it. I suppose the real reason he's douchebag is because he's had so many students come through his program who turned out to be douchebags. And you know, really the players are a reflection of their coach. He's also kind of a prick and nowhere was that relevant moreso than in his regular season finale this weekend against UCLA. With less than a minute remaining in the game USC had the game in hand with a 21-7 lead and the ball. They took a knee and UCLA called a timeout. So what? Right? Well at this point USC and Carroll in particular have two choices. First, they could take another knee and run out the clock. That's what you would call, "taking the high road." Or Carroll could dial up a 48 yard bomb to jack the score up another 7 points. That's called "being a huge fucking ass hole." As the head coach of a bunch of kids, it is Carroll's job to teach them not only how to win but how to win gracefully and to play the game with pride and respect. Not to be a spiteful prick who needs to prove some kind of point. Get fucked Pete.

And that brings us to the best news item in the sporting world from the whole weekend: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren had some sort of domestic dispute and holy shit has it been fun to read the speculation. Since it is unlikely that anyone will ever know exactly what happened in their home very early on Friday morning I'm going to go ahead and play a game I like to call "Let's make assumptions that put a smile on my face." Let's say that the most entertaining portions of the speculation surrounding the events at their home are correct. Okay? Then this is what happened: Tiger was banging some chick in Australia. She's hotter than Tiger's wife. Not a big deal until you remember that his wife is a Swedish bikini model. Good work Mr. Woods. So Elin finds out and then BEATS HIM UP WITH A GOLF CLUB!!! Holy. Shit. That is awesome. He ran away, got in his car and then crashed it into his neighbors yard. Then she broke the rear windshield with the golf club!! It's like Cops except they were probably wearing Nike apparel instead of wife beaters and drinking wine instead of Old E. I actually hope the real story never comes out because it could never possibly amuse me more than what I have pictured in my head. Tiger has spent years cultivating an image that while not necessarily likeable, is extremely marketable. He makes hundreds of millions of dollars basically because he is not the type to have an affair and then have his wife attack him with a golf club. Oh Tiger, I know a good auto repair shop if you need some body work done.

Awww. They're so cute when they aren't attacking each other with sports equipment.

Bills suck

2009-11-28T13:33:00.003-05:00

Not the Buffalo Bills. Well, actually they suck too. But I'm talking about the bills that drain the old bank account on a monthly basis. Now I'm not talking about the type of suck like "god I hate paying bills" I mean like "god I hate what my bills have turned me into."

Last night the family got home from Thanksgiving in Virginia. (Incidentally, a great thing to do after your entire family spends an entire day together is to spend the proceeding day shooting paintballs at each other. Extremely therapeutic.) After unloading the car and returning the Blu-Ray that was grossly overdue I went down and got the mail, brought it inside, and gave it to the fiance. I walked away for a minute and came back and she told me what the PECO bill was. (By the way, fuck you PECO.) Well the bill was like a third of what it usually is and when I heard this I got very excited. The first thing that went through my mind was our household budget and how we could use the extra money that had been allotted for PECO for the Christmas Eve dinner we are going to have.

Fuck you bills. I got excited because one of you was much lower than I had planned for you to be. It's depressing really. It's not that I mind being glad about a bill being low. It's the degree of excitement that I experienced. It's the type of excitement I experienced in college when I found out that there would be a great special at a bar, or that a paper got pushed back a week. It wasn't quite the type of excitement that I experience when my favorite sports teams win, but for one very brief second it came close; and that is infuriating.

I appreciate that it's extremely immature to complain about something like this but holy shit was it sad. I got engaged. I live with the fiance and the step daughter, wake up and go to work every day, pay my taxes, and do all types of things that I don't want to do (which I'm pretty sure is the worst part of it) but it was getting excited about a bill being low that walloped me in the face with getting grown up and responsible and all that it entails. I believe I had previously enjoyed deluding myself into thinking that I was still 20 years old but now realize I'm emotionally although not chronologically closer to 40. And one wonders why I'm such a lunatic.

And that is why this blog is my therapy. It's so much cheaper. (Again with the bills, guh.) I do apologize for the less entertaining neurosis than usual.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T12:38:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving is the shit. There are no religious expectations. There is a ton of good food and it is perfectly acceptable to ply yourself full of said food and booze. Then you just lay around and watch football. It is one of my favorite days of the year. It is important, however, to remember that it is, in fact, a day to give thanks. I like to complain. Like, a lot. I know you're shocked to read that, but the fact of the matter is, that even though one of my favorite past times is to bitch and moan about stupid shit I also have lots of things to be thankful for.

I live in a nice house. I have a wonderful fiance and soon to be step daughter. I have a family that loves me, which is a small effing miracle in and of itself. I'm employed. I usually like my job. And I have great friends to share everything with. It's important not to take those things for granted as not everyone is so fortunate. Not everyone has a loving family and great friends and a comfortable place to lay their head at night. So this holiday, take time to be thankful for what you have and share it with those you care about. At least until Friday when you rip some poor ass hole's balls off at the mall because they got the last copy of Beatles Rock Band.

Have a great holiday and check back next week when I promise to be my normal, cantankerous, sarcastic, crude, boorish self, probably bitching about spending two straight days with those people I just said I was thankful for.

HAHA You suck Paula Deen

2009-11-24T12:16:00.002-05:00

I have been clear in the past about how I despise Paul Deen. She's shrill. She tries to kill you with butter. And her affected accent makes me want to punch her. That is why today is a wonderful wonderful day. Paula Deen got hit in the face with a thrown ham. I have to repeat that because it makes me happy just to type it. Paula Deen got hit in the face... the FACE... with a THROWN ham. And there's video. I'm not a nice person, but I must have done something right in the last few days to deserve this.

Not bad douc-- I mean Kobe

2009-11-23T12:34:00.002-05:00

One of the few things that I hate more than basketball in general is Kobe Bryant in particular. He's a huge pretentious douchebag and frankly the specific reason that he sucks and I would laugh if he pulled a Magic and got AIDS is because he displays an astonishing lack of pride in where he comes from. He was born and raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia and for some reason despises the area. It would be different if he just didn't care about where he came from, but the fact that he goes out of his way to trash Philly makes me want to run him over with a car. That being said, and despite my hate of basketball and Kobe, this is impressive.

Today in "You're an idiot and got what you deserved!"

2009-11-21T09:51:00.003-05:00

I have been quite clear in my abhorrence of douchebags. I have also been clear, I think, about my complete and total disgust with stupid people. What we have here is an instance where douchebag cops used Facebook to prosecute an idiot. Of course I don't have to pick a side here. Besides, doing so would be like me trying to pick a favorite in, say, a Giants/Cowboys game. (Incidentally, my rooting interest in that situation is usually a horrific natural disaster.) But for the sake of this argument I'm going to actually side with the douchebags for the sole reason that technically they were just doing their jobs and because the retard in question fucking deserved it for being such a moron.

Adam Bauer is a 19-year-old student at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. Adam also has a Facebook page. Shocking, I know. Adam also likes to publish pictures on his FB page. And in a third mind blowing discovery, Adam also likes to get drunk. I'll give you a moment to wrap your head around that info. So Adam, being the brain dead teenager that he is, posted pictures of said alcoholic tendencies on his FB page for everyone to see. Even the hot girl who friend requested him that he didn't know but accepted anyway because, duh, her picture was of a hot chick! Unfortunately for Adam the hot piece of ass he thought wanted to bang him because, actually I don't know why, was actually the local police department!! Said police department proceeded to arrest Adam and charge him with underage drinking. Being the enlightened individual that he is, Bauer had some cookie cutter cliches to spew to the local paper.

I just can’t believe it. I feel like I’m in a science fiction movie, like they are always watching. When does it end?

and

I think there are a lot worse things (police) could be spending their time on.

Alright, listen up dumbass. It's not like the cops were arbitrarily wandering around campus knocking on random doors to find underage kids drinking. THAT would be a gross waste of resources. And they are not fucking Big Brother. They didn't bug your apartment. They didn't have a surveillance team following you all night. You were a fucking moron who took a picture of yourself while you were technically committing a crime. Then you posted it on a public website where others have access to it. The cops saw it and busted you. And you deserved it. Sure it was a shitty thing to do. You weren't really hurting anyone. You weren't driving. But YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE DRINKING AND YOU PUT PICTURES OF YOURSELF DOING IT ON THE INTERNET. My head hurts just thinking about how fucking stupid that is.

Stories like this pop up all the time. Kids get cited for underage drinking because of Facebook pictures. I remember at Penn State when local law enforcement used pictures to cite students involved in a riot. But holy shit. The argument is the same every single time. "Oh, the cops don't have anything better to do than sit in front of a computer?" Come the fuck on. While annoying some times, it is actually their job to find people breaking the law and punish them. Making their job easier by putting pictures of yourself doing stupid shit on the internet is not an acceptable reason to exhibit any kind of indignation. Being stupid in itself should be a crime, but until it is then I have no problem with people getting busted for other illegal shit they do because they were an idiot and took pictures.

Why wouldn't you want them tried in NYC?

2009-11-17T11:26:00.003-05:00

In what is an astoundingly ass-kicking decision by the Obama Administration... (Excuse for a minute. I just.. guh... I feel so dirty. And a little bit sick.) Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and the rest of the masterminds behind the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington, DC will be tried in a Manhattan court. That is the shit. Of course New York Governor David Paterson disagrees. To him I say: "Kiss my ass."

"This is not a decision that I would have made," Paterson said when asked about the upcoming federal trial. "Our country was attacked on its own soil on Sept. 11, 2001, and New York was very much the epicenter of that attack."

Paterson, of course you'll remember, has exhibited fantastic decision making skills in the past. Like having affairs. Oh, and the drug use too. Why in the hell would the governor not be interested in trying these douche bags mere blocks away from the scene of the crime? He claims that New Yorkers are still trying to get over the attacks and that he is concerned that ground zero has not even been rebuilt yet. Oh really governor? I would think that maybe what you should be interested in is not ground zero but instead closure for the citizens whom you are so concerned with.

The ONLY reason that an argument could be made not to bring those bastards back to New York is that they would not be subject to capital punishment. Those pussies in New York ruled it unconstitutional in 2004. I am a proponent of capital punishment. If you kill someone, I think you should get killed back. But these guys, I'd like them to spend a few nights in the general population of a New York State Penitentiary. Let the rest of the scumbags behind bars mete out the punishment that they deserve but the state cannot apply.

Now, I am not a huge fan of NYC. I hate their sports teams. I hate having to listen to the posturing of residents refer to it as "The City" or "The Only City." We get it, it's big and important, but that doesn't mean you have to be a douche about it. New Yorkers often times ooze pretension and have an astoundingly bloated sense of importance because they happened to be born in a particular geographic location. That being said, the events of 9/11 were catastrophic on a national level but literally hit home for New Yorkers. Therefore, they should get to string up Mohammed and his buddies and beat them with sticks if that's what they care to do.

Get fucked, Facebook

2009-11-13T16:16:00.002-05:00

Alright Facebook, you piece of shit. I have had a Facebook account for a long time. It rode out the MySpace fad, it's been useful to keep in touch with people, and I recently learned how to block updates from those d-bag friends of mine who insist on posting updates 50 fucking times a day. It's changed over the years but I don't really care. I don't do the Farmville. I don't do the Mafia Wars shit. I just use it to casually Facebook stalk friends and to send happy birthday messages because it reminds me to.

I've learned to deal with the stupid updates. I've dealt with the ads and I've dealt with stupid fan pages. (Incidentally, you should become a fan of Hypocritical Irony.) I was OK with all of the stupid bull shit that has been added to Facebook over the last year or so. Even allowing other people to suggest friends to me. Or suggest that I become a fan of this or a supporter of that. I've dealt with it. Of course retarded Facebook shit is what made me so angry on such a regular basis that I had to start this blog, but that is a whole different issue.

Today, though, I've fucking had it. For months now I've gotten little notifications about people I should reconnect with because I haven't talked to them recently. Which is funny, of course, because on more than one occasion it's been Facebook's recommendation to "reconnect" with someone that I talked to in mother fucking person within the preceding 48 hours. But today. Today it was recommended that I reconnect with my friend Wes. Wes died in a motorcycle accident two months ago. Fuck you Facebook. I think about Wes almost every day. I visit his Facebook page frequently. Do you know why I haven't communicated with Wes via Facebook lately, Facebook? Because he's mother fucking dead and I don't need another god damn reminder of that fact on my Facebook fucking homepage. Get fucked Facebook.

An open letter to Christmas

2009-11-06T13:05:00.002-05:00

Dear Christmas,

I think you're great. Your season is a great time of the year. People are happy. There are parties to go to. Families get together to share each other's company and give each other gifts. It really is a wonderful time of the year. With that being said, I have one request. Back. The. Fuck. Off.

It is the god damn fucking beginning of November and I've seen commercials for you for the last week. Do you know what was a week ago? Hallo-fucking-ween. There used to be a nice little holiday hierarchy that people followed. Once Halloween was over then the Thanksgiving commercials and decorations came out. Then after Thanksgiving it was your turn to shine. Now look at you! Just stomping all over October, November AND December. Exactly who do you think you are?

Just because I like you doesn't mean I want to be reminded of you coming for the 8 weeks leading up to you. It's overkill and I don't fucking like it. Take a break and relax. Trust me, people will still celebrate you. People will still buy tons and tons of worthless shit. I swear to god they will. But we do not have to be reminded that you are right around the corner. It's bad enough when some salesperson throws the "You know, there's only XX shopping days 'til Christmas!!" line at me. Whenever I hear one of those lines I feel like drop kicking the douchebag who said it.

I don't need to open up the newspaper in the beginning of November and have all of your sales screaming at me. After walking into CVS the other day I encountered an entire aisle of your shit. A entire fucking aisle!! It's still November and I've also heard your carols on the radio. What the fuck?

Like I said before, I think you're great. I really do. But please for the love of god stay the fuck out of October. As soon as the turkey is done digesting you can have your time and I promise not to complain. For the time being though, chill the fuck out.

Yours,

H.I.

Most exciting game of the season tonight

2009-11-02T10:32:00.002-05:00

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Reason #29198465 why I miss college

2009-10-31T11:35:00.004-04:00

Girls dress like sluts on Halloween. For one night every year in October parties everywhere are packed full of drunk girls who have whore'd up some cliche Halloween costume, and for that I applaud them. Sure they'll try and tell you that they are not in fact a "slutty" school girl/angel/cat but instead a "sexy" school girl/angel/cat. Whatever, sweetheart. If it helps you feel better when your daddy calls tomorrow morning as you shush the guy whose name you can't remember next to you in bed as you realize you never even took off the skirt you had on, it's fine by me. You can call it whatever the hell you want. But let's not delude ourselves into thinking that that skirt with your ass hanging out of it, bare stomach, and cleavage revealing shirt is anything that it's not. Because frankly, it's not sexy. It's slutty. And I love it.

Slutty Girls in Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Tribute -- powered by Cracked.com

Yes, I know. A woman tried to whore herself out for World Series tickets

2009-10-28T14:30:00.003-04:00

Thank you to every single Yankee fan I've ever met in my life for passing along the story of, in what I'm sure is an isolated incident that has never happened before in the history of ever, some jackass Philadelphian who tried to offer a cop sex in exchange for World Series tickets. On Craigslist.com. Awesome.

So her name is Susan Finkelstein and her post, to be clear, was pretty vague:

"DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia) Diehard Phillies fan--gorgeous tall buxom blonde-- in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable--- I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"

So no, she didn't actually offer to blow someone outright for a chance to go to the game. I suppose it was implied with her assertion of certain physical attributes, but come on. It's also worthy of note that for someone who is "the creative type" that post had absolutely zero creativity to it and if she had been as creative as she thinks she is, she probably wouldn't have ended up in jail.

I'm OK with some middle aged woman trying to go to a baseball game. And to be perfectly honest with you, I don't even really care that she committed this particular crime. Prostitution is really one of those victimless crimes; like gambling and assaulting Mets fans. What I have a problem with is that she was such an idiot that she went onto Craigslist in order to attain this particular goal. Stupid people have no place in what would be considered polite company. I also take offense to her claims of being a gorgeous blonde, which she is not. If I was going to trade a Phillies Yankees World Series ticket for a hummer or a quick lay you better believe it's not going to be from some 43 year-old, married retard.

Now, as I've never solicited sex from a woman, actually, let me clarify. As I've never solicited sex from a woman in exchange for money, I don't know the exact etiquette required for such a transaction. So the Philadelphia PD has so much time on their hands that they saw a vaguely worded ad on Craigslist and proceeded to contact the woman and get her to proposition them. That's some stupid shit on two different levels. One, she didn't realize she was talking to a cop? Because as anyone who has ever watched a crime procedural on TV knows, cops have to identify themselves as cops and they can't let you incriminate yourself. THAT is entrapment! Wait, what? OOOOH. So I guess it's a little less cut and dry than those fancy Law & Order defense attorneys would have me believe. But hey, guess what Finkelstein? Bad things happen to stupid people. And second you're a fucking idiot for using Craiglist to get the tickets using sex anyway. I'm pretty sure the only thing people use CL for anyway is to solicit sex and sell stolen property.

People get caught committing crimes because they are either stupid or greedy. The only smart people you see getting picked up are the ones who are so greedy that it makes them make stupid mistakes. So let this be a lesson to you: if you are (at least in your own opinion) a "creative, gorgeous, buxom blonde" and you want to get tickets to a World Series baseball game and the first idea you have is to whore yourself out to a cop on Craigslist, here's what you do. I'll wait while you grab a piece of paper. Step one: go into the garage. Step two: turn on the car. Step three: take a fucking nap.

Hey look everyone, it's an ass hole making life difficult for other people!!

2009-10-27T12:42:00.003-04:00

I know what you're thinking. Cool shirt, right? WRONG mother fucker!!! That is a blue and white piece of Christian propaganda right there. Just take a second and look at it. See? It's actually a cross. It has nothing to do with promoting Penn State football. It has nothing to do with school spirit. It certainly has nothing to do with Penn State's newest tradition of "whiting out" Beaver Stadium during football games. No, it's the university's attempt to indoctrinate its students with religious values, pure and simple. At least that's what the Philadelphia chapter of the Anti Defamation League and student Michal Berns, among others, would like you to believe.

Holy fuck is that retarded. Would you like to know why people take issue with groups like the Anti Defamation League, ACLU, NOW and NAMBLA? It's because of complaints about stupid shit like this. Well, except NAMBLA. I think people mostly take issue with them because of the whole gay pedophilia thing. But when people go overboard looking for reasons to bitch and moan about something it creates a boy who cried wolf type scenario when something actually worth bitching about comes up. Instead you get a, "Oh Christ. Are those people complaining about something again?" type of attitude.

Michal Berns, you madam, are a douchebag:

Michal Berns, a junior majoring in media law and policy, said she refused to buy the $15 shirt because of its religious connotations.
"At first glance, you don't necessarily think that's what it looks like, but when you look at it more, it does look like a cross," Berns told Foxnews.com. "That's the reason I didn't purchase it."

Are you for fucking real? YOU JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ANYTHING WRONG AT FIRST!!! Whiny little bitches like her are the reason people like me have to write blogs. Chances are, if you have to contemplate whether something offends you or not then it's probably really not all that offensive and you are just being a hyper-sensitive jerk off.

I do not lack empathy. Really, I don't. I get irritated over all kinds of stupid things and can understand that other people are likely to get pissed about equally asinine things. It's pretty hard to offend me and as a white male I think it's actually against the rules for me to be offended by anything. My problem comes when people go out of their way to find something to get angry about. I don't LIKE going into psychotic rages about ridiculous things like t-shirts and bumper stickers, so I don't seek out things to make me mad. People like the ADL and Berns just make life difficult for the rest of us with their inane bitching and moaning about a non-issue and really need to focus their energies elsewhere. Somewhere like the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

Hypocritical Douchebags

2009-10-22T14:31:00.006-04:00

Whoa, stop the presses!! The president is not losing sleep over the fact that his administration is trying to marginalize a news outlet simply because is dares to dissent! That smug prick. I am not a huge fan of Fox News. As a matter of fact I think their opinion programming is just as bad as any other on cable news and I think that they have become a caricature of themself as an outlet for conservatively bent news.

As far as I can tell there are only two places to find meaningful and intelligent discourse when it comes to politics: Morning Joe and The New Hour with Jim Lehrer. The former because there is an even representation of viewpoints when topics are discussed, and the latter because they just report the fucking news and let me know what happened in the world that day. Plus it's kind of soothing and calm to come home to at the end of the day while Morning Joe gets me ready in the morning because Mika Brzezinski is smoking hot in that bitchy uptight kind of way (like Ann Coulter without the penis) and there is often lots of yelling and making fun. But I digress

Cable news networks like to pretend that they are not bent one way or the other in their representation of the news. Well that's retarded. It's all skewed. Can we just be grown-ups here and admit it? Frankly I don't mind either. Mostly because I'm not a fucking mouth breather who can't syphon out the bull shit and draw my own conclusions. I take a tremendous amount of pride in not being an idiot and that's why when the White House does things like try and discredit a news organization just because it happens to subscribe to a different ideological agenda I feel like punching a puppy. How fucking hypocritical can you be? The team at CNN I'm pretty sure jerks off to images of Obama and holy shit does Chris Matthews have a hard on for the guy.

This is a glaring example of the Obama Administration's above the law approach to policy making and agenda setting. There have been members of the administration who have gone onto news programming and essentially told everyone to ignore Fox. They make claims that they are not a news organization and should be treated as such. Their examples? Well Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity of course. Guh. That would be like me saying that MSNBC should be ignored and now allowed access to the president and his staff because Keith Olbermann gets to spout his ridiculous liberal agenda for an hour every night. Everyone knows that Beck and Hannity are douchebags. Actually, strike that. Smart people know that Beck and Hannity and Olbermann are ideological douchebags.

In the United State of America we have a thing called the the Bill of Rights. (Cue: Battle Hymn of the Republic) The Bill of Rights introduces the first amendment to the Constitution and provides us with freedom of the press, speech, religion and assembly. There is not a provision for "as long as the president and his cronies agree with you." A United States President's administration's attempts to slander a news organization and marginalize them based on ideological disagreements is an appallingly brash and inappropriate thing to do. It scares me a little bit that the Obama Administration thinks that it is OK to take this public course of action against Fox News. If they feel they can flaunt their disregard for the rights afforded us over 200 years ago, and that people will be OK with it (which by and large they are), then where does the line get drawn before people stand up to them?

And liberty and justice for all. (Except Democrats)

Bring. On. New York.

2009-10-21T15:47:00.001-04:00

As it turns out, yup, anyone who wants to can have a kid

2009-10-19T16:24:00.005-04:00

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. Ever. I am not the picture of responsibility but I have absolutely zero problem calling out the author of this particularly idiotic Facebook status update on October 18:

Mother of the Year: all you nurses/med professionals out there: Sean has a 103.4 fever diarrhea, vomiting yesterday morning......Should I go to the ER or is it safe to wait it out until tomorrow, waiting to hear back from the doctor too. Have him on kid's motrin and trying to keep him hydrated! I need some advice please!!

Holy fuck. I have a three year old niece. I can guaran-fucking-tee you that if she was puking and shitting all over the place and also had a 103 degree fever her ass would be in the ER before I had a chance to update my precious fucking Facebook status.

I am aware that this observation is not terribly unique or clever; but, you need a license to have a gun and drive a car. You also need a license to practice medicine, which is to say you need a license to provide medical care to another person. There are professionals who have such licenses that I like to call "Doctors." As it turns out, if something hurts or you are puking and shitting uncontrollably with a high fever you can call these "Doctors" and they will help to diagnose and treat your particular ailments. To the best of my knowledge, they do not offer consultations via Facebook.

What we have here is a parent who is "waiting to hear back from the doctor" as her son is clearly very sick. I have a hard time comprehending how you can have your child in such a terrible state and not panic. How do you not freak the fuck out when your first and only child is sick like that? In the interest of full disclosure, it became apparent after the doctor returned the call that fluids and rest would do the trick, however, such a lack of apparent concern and proactive action is inexcusable. Kids have no say in who their parents are and how their parents choose to rear them. Is it so much to ask that someone with that kind of responsibility actually exhibit some?

Attention Whores and Pussy Journalists

2009-10-17T10:15:00.010-04:00

Apparently right before the picture to the left was taken a reporter asked the Balloon Boy's dad, Richard Heene, "Can you give us an idea of exactly how big of a pile of shit this whole story is?"

I despise anyone who exploits their family for personal or financial gain. That includes, but is not limited to: parents who pimp their children out in the entertainment industry, parents who invite cameras into their home to film their lives because they are irresponsible and have a shit ton of kids, people who experience family tragedy and try and cash in on it, and people who ask their kids to do unethical things in an effort to gain publicity, fame and/or money.

Speaking of people who ask their children to do what they know is wrong to perpetuate a hoax or publicity stunt, how about that balloon boy, Falcon Heene. (Oh, I also hate people who give their kids retarded names. It's not ENTIRELY relevant to the point of this particular story, but come on. Falcon? Ugh. I think it's also germane to the point that the same type of douchebags who name their kids idiotic things like Falcon and Apple and Reignbeau are the same types of parents who obviously have such little regard for the well being of their children that they would put them in one of the above scenarios.) This kid was all over the news the other day because he had apparently snuck into his dad's giant floating serving of Jiffy Pop and sailed off into the wild blue yonder when the tethers came undone.

Not since June 17, 1994 when OJ Simpson and Al Cowlings made off up the 405 in California have Americans been so glued to their TVs watching basically nothing fucking happen. For 5 hours the balloon boy was the most famous kid in America. For 5 hours the media salivated over the story because there is nothing, absolutely nothing, the American media loves more than tragedy. Especially if it involves a child. Is he really in the balloon? How did he get in the balloon? Will he live? Will he die? Will that retarded father of his be held accountable in any manner whatsoever? Could we possibly milk this shit any more?

And so it was, at 4:05pm MDT Larimer County's Sheriff's department receives word that Falcon Heene was found inside his family home, safe and sound. So of course the answers to the aforementioned questions are: no, he never was in it, yes, no, probably not, and no because he didn't die. And then it was the Silver Fox's turn. Oh, Wolf Blitzer, you of the election day holograms, Situation Room douchebaggery and EPIC Celebrity Jeopardy fails. You, sir, landed the interview that the public craved!

You just know that Wolf would never let us down. He'd ask the tough questions. He'd pepper the family with follow ups so that if there were inconsistencies in an already suspicious story he could sniff them out like a, well, wolf. HE WOULD NOT TAKE ANY KIND OF BULL SHIT FROM A FAMILY WHO CONNED AMERICA AND WASTED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF PUBLIC FUNDS!!!!

To the interview we go!

Wolf: Congratulations to all of you.

For losing your 6-year-old in the attic for 5 hours? Well, OK. Start off on the right foot Wolf. Don't put them on the defensive yet. Make them comfortable so then you can POUNCE!!

Wolf: Richard, walk us through slowly but surely, what exactly happened to Falcon today and how all of this got so way, way out of control.

Yeah, atta boy Wolf. You know something's fishy. Just give him a little bit of rope so he can hang himself.

Richard Heene, Balloon Boy's Dad: OK. Yes, so we were setting up our family experiment for my wife and I's anniversary. It's a good excuse. And, anyway the kids helped to actually construct the saucer- looking craft. We had glued panels of plastic wood and, you know, they helped paint it. And the experiment was for one of our family inventions. And we're trying to build a craft to where people can no longer drive in their car and just kind of elevate and float to work at 50 to 100 feet off the ground.

Wait. What?

Wolf: And you were doing this in your backyard?

R. Heene: That's correct. Yes, we did this in our backyard. And anyway, so we started inflating it with helium, which keeps it buoyant, so we could conduct the -- the high voltage experiments. The outer skin of this thing had -- had aluminum foil on it for a positive charge and a negative charge. And you ignite this thing and it kind of gets you to go left and right, horizontal.
But I explained it to all the kids. They actually taped on the high voltage signs earlier, so they knew it was high voltage and they can't touch it.

Alright. So the family was making a craft so people can float to work a hundred feet above the ground. And the kids are first graders and were helping with the "high voltage experiments." But the Heene's were careful to at least tell the kids to be careful. Whoa. That's a whole lot of responsible parenting going on there. But how about we cut to the chase. The meat of the interview. Come on Wolf. Bring it home.

R. Heene: He's asking, Falcon -- did you hear us calling your name at any time?
Falcon Heene: Uh-huh.
R. Heene: You did?
Mayumi Heene (the mom): You didn't?
R. Heene: Well, why didn't you come out?
F. Heene: You had said that we did this for a show.

HOLY FUCK!! Did you hear that? The kid basically just said that his parent's told him to hide up there for some kind of show!! There's got to be a reason he said that. Was this a publicity stunt all along? What show is he talking about? Oh, boy I can't wait to see Blitzer rip these people to shreds!

Wolf: I heard what he said, but I'm sure that's -- I'm not -- it wasn't real -- really clear. What was his -- his reasoning why he heard -- he heard you screaming, "Falcon, Falcon." And I'm sure he heard his mom screaming, "Falcon, Falcon."

But why didn't he come out of the garage at that point?

R. Heene: Well, you know, whenever he -- whenever we tell him things like, you know, it's a bad thing to do, he does go and hide. He cowers down. And like if we go to the store and he wants to buy some candy or something, I have to tell him no. So he's always behind. I mean, the other boys are always telling him, hurry, Falcon, hurry.

So he does -- he does tend to do that.

Wolf: Did you think -- Mayumi, did you think it was possible that Falcon was just hiding out this time and was not necessarily on board that balloon?

M. Heene: We searched any -- any place, even the small drawers and possibly Falcon can fit in any -- any part of house -- and we couldn't find him. Also, we searched his friends' houses, you know, he might be visiting. We -- we went through possible -- any places so (INAUDIBLE).

Wolf: Well, the ordeal was...

(CROSSTALK)

Wolf: The ordeal was only just beginning.

And we're going to pick up at that point right, after this short break.

That is some top flight journalism. It also began the the remainder of the interview which consisted of everyone pussyfooting around the fact that the kid just blew up his parents' spot. Of course Wolf didn't go after them with any kind of tenacity. Everyone pussyfooted their way around the interview in an embarrassingly PC manner. God forbid someone get called to the carpet for making up a ridiculous lie and using a child to perpetuate it. It's OK though. I'm sure the whole thing is just a giant misunderstanding and that the Heene's would never manipulate their kids into props for a stunt to bring attention to themselves.

Oh, wait.

R. Heene: Well, you know, we were on "Wife Swap" a couple times.